Dr Affie Adagio Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer

I was talking to someone who re-commenced smoking after 6 months off cigarettes because of a persistent cough. Despite all the evidence of the long term effects of smoking he claimed he was healthier smoking than not.

Some people never seem to get the QUIT message. But the nature of addiction is to fool ourselves.

Some people quit smoking with the help of nicotine patches or gum. Others attend meetings of NicA to remain smoke-free. There are even therapies with great “quit smoking” results, which I’ll cover in this and future posts.

A proven and guaranteed way to Quit Smoking Today in less than 39 minutes using Rob Mellor’s power-packed Neuro-Linguistic Programming recording.

setting foot on the ceiling 3, photo by Thiago Tavares, Maringa, Brazil, semcriatividade.com/tchago, sex addiction

A discussion has evolved from my post on the practice of 13th Stepping – having sex with a person who is more vulnerable than yourself. There have been comments denigrating the 12 Step program, partly blaming 13th stepping. Having worked for over 20 years in the recovery field I can only say that if someone criticises the 12 Step program and fellowship then they are ignorant about how beneficial and lifesaving it is for those who suffer from addiction. There are other programs such as cognitive behavioural therapies which may work for those who commit fully to them but nevertheless larger numbers have benefited from the 12 Step program. Now I will deal with this particular request:

I had a comment from Renee about a problem they were experiencing, which is worth writing a post on here. Many families are faced with the discomfort that a member’s compulsion can cause. There is a concern for what is obvious and then struggling with a need to not cause distress for the person in question, as can be seen in this plea:

People who are torn apart by their addiction can lose years struggling to find happiness. Having unhealthy behaviour, whether it is substance or process excesses, keeps us from finding fulfilment and serenity. Nevertheless, only when we become willing to go to any lengths to gain recovery are we able to achieve this freedom. The willingness to be abstinent is not so easy as it sounds. That is why it can be achieved with help from professionals and from self help groups where people have the experience to share about how they did it. Such groups are primarily the 12 Steps fellowship and/or SMART Recovery. The important thing to remember is NOT TO STOP SEARCHING FOR A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM.

I cannot stress enough that people who are not experienced or qualified need to know their limitations when it comes to providing guidance or therapy to those who are afflicted with dysfunctional or addictive behaviours. I am being approached by so many visitors to this website who think that they can help by accommodating or enabling an addiction otherwise the person depending on them will die. Such people at times have risked their own and their children’s happiness and wellbeing in the belief that their partner is more important. The best action is to refer the afflicted person to a therapist and to also get help themselves to process the trauma they have experienced. Here is the answer I gave to one such comment.

Rachel commented on my post on addiction and anorexia saying that she hoped I could help her. When it comes to eating out she tries to order a meal that will be easier for her to finish instead of one that she really wants and feels nervous throughout. Rachel claims she is so preoccupied with this thinking that she doesn’t finish the meal. As she is planning to travel, this problem is preventing her from going.

An identifying characteristic of someone who is using drugs excessively can sometimes be that no matter how attractive they are they have a wild look. A look that threatens any notion of the personal safety of those around, even though it may not be intentional. That look appears to see through people and lacks intimacy. It creates a feeling that the afflicted person is possibly out to take whatever they can and we need to protect ourselves and our possessions. Yet the person in question thinks that no one can tell that they have be using drugs. Therefore, it is important to challenge the behaviour safely and tell them what we see, instead of pretending it is not obvious.

Last Saturday I had my PhD Celebration at the Rose Garden Pavilion in the Royal Botanic Gardens between 12.30 and 4.30. Many weddings and other celebrations are held there because it is such an attractive venue with ambiance. There were 61 people and those who wished sat on the comfortable benches around the inside of the Pavilion and others sat outside in the beautiful garden. Everyone commented on this amazing venue. I bought food from Peter’s Cafe – roasts and baked potatoes ready sliced in nice trays. Also delicious foods prepared by my daughter Tina and my daughter-in-law Nella with help from their husbands Bill and Paul. I invited guests to bring their own drinks and desserts so that individual needs could be taken care of personally, without tempting those who don’t drink alcohol and those who don’t eat sweets.

I have written about the dangers of getting sexually involved with someone who is early in recovery from addiction and/or any other vulnerable state. This is commonly known in the 12 Step fellowship as 13th Step consequences and needs to be treated as a serious warning, even though the term causes nervous laughter.? Steve’s comment is an example of such a traumatic outcome and here is my response:

Louanne wrote in response to my post on addiction is lying how she believes her husband is an addict and lies. When she threatens divorce “he cowers and cleans up his act for a while” but she doesn’t think he has the personal strength to admit the true problem and “get appropriate care”. She goes on to say:

I’m in such a dilemma. I would LOVE to be free from this man, but I look for answers in the bible and I believe it says to work it out. I see a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness with this man. Is that what my path is to stay in a close walk with God?