Dr Affie Adagio Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer

An interview with Dr. Affie Adagio:

“These statements from the people in Bougainville just brought me to tears,” said Dr Affie Adagio, when she announced that the statemnts would be read out publicly. “What happened in Bougainville needs to be known. It was truly awful,” she said.

“I was helping Waratah Rosemarie Gillespie out by typing the sworn statements to go in her book Running with Rebels, behind the lies in Bougainville’s hidden war (Ginibi Productions). The statements are so powerful and so terrible I felt I needed to do something myself so I have organised for them to be read out by actors at the Theaterette in Parliament House at 2pm. on Wednesday 11th March.”

I wish you all a Happy New Year with happiness and love in your lives.? The festivities found me recuperating from a shoulder injury, as you know,? but now I am feeling more agile. My mind has turned to new year resolutions that we often make, some do-able and some unrealistic. Far better to set realistic goals so as to have a better chance of achieving them and less chance of failure with the outcome of guilt.

When two people enter into a relationship it quite often happens that they slip into roles as though they are on opposite ends of a ‘see saw’ and this causes a perceived power imbalance where one feels overpowered by the other. The dominant partner increases their ability to be outspoken and the passive partner becomes even more quiet. But it can be an illusion because the partner who appears dominant is behaving that way because they feel unheard and the one who appears passive actually controls the relationship through passive aggression – both contribute to the disintegration of the relationship. It is vital that the couple stops the aggressive dance and looks at the whole situation with a willingness to talk through and to resolve the issue at hand, rather than trying to win the battle.

Parents have the responsibility to provide a safe and nurturing environment for their children. Being a role model for a loving relationship is both satisfying for the parents and rewarding for the children because it helps them all live a functional, healthy lifestyle. When children become adults it is important that parents learn how to let go and let their adult children get on with their lives. Parents can trust that their childrearing practices were beneficial and that their adult children will make the appropriate choices in life. Sometimes this parenting stage can be the most difficult part of all, because we need to observe and not interfere or make comments no matter how useful we think they may be. At such times our contributions can be perceived as criticisms or disapproval. What makes it difficult is that we need to then change the parenting role from one that’s based on responsibility and guidance to one based on validation and support.

In March 11 2006 I wrote about avoiding the 13th Step which means “screwing someone crazier than you” – a term clarified by Dr. Stephen Jurd (a leading addiction psychiatrist). There have been more comments on this post than any other post I have written. The more recent comment on 12/10/07 by the author of Damn That Ojeda! website is worth mentioning here because of the enthusiasm with which the message is being relayed, and in order to correct the interpretation of my qualifications. The author refers to Coulter, ‘a right winged journalist’, intending to promote her book whilst appearing on a Carlson program which should discourage similar types from being edified because they are described as having…

The difference between authority and autocracy is as huge as the difference between functional and dysfunctional or negotiation and abuse. Having authority when we want to make a point means we are using our assertive skills to get a point understood whilst keeping it short and sweet. When a point is made in an autocratic punitive manner and wordy then the lesson is lost. Our defenses block out any information that is given to us in a loud critical manner. Whether this method is used on children or adults the outcome can be the same – a failure to communicate.

Friendships can be lifelong, providing the parties involved eliminate the resentments which can occur naturally. It is well known that ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ and moods become problematic between close relationships even friends. When a resentment festers it is easily settled by making amends. In this way the relationship is made the priority and restored. Otherwise grudges develop and power games are fostered with sad endings.

it was fascinating that although Geoff was
such a difficult person to get on with
he had such longlasting friendships
years and years with the same friends
this was a skill, indeed!
when examined closely, it became apparent
that he had the ability of making amends
and much easier than most people
therefore any disagreements were
easily swept away and the
friendship made longlasting

Any sexual activity that does not hurt another person and takes place between consenting adults is sex with no shame. This does not mean something that involves rape or violation of a person’s rights including children. If you are not sure check it out with someone you respect who is knowledgeable about legal and moral issues.

They spoke to me about their sex that
keeps them close and happy
it was unusual in many ways
compared to most sexual acts which
are supported by our society
she felt worried that it was shameful
I asked who was it hurting and
they responded no one but that
their parents would be disgusted
if they knew but then they realised that
this is their private life and no one has
the right to know or judge
instead they need to enjoy the
happiness they share
and have sex with no shame

Many people resort to sulking when they are not pleased with someone’s behaviour. It is aimed at getting attention in the hope that the other person asks “what’s up” and then the sulker says “nothing”. The dance goes on until finally the sulker is convinced to share their hurt. Surely it is far healthier to learn how to be up front and honest about how you feel than doing this attention dance which can be such a waste and it causes resentments in relationships. We need to teach our children too how to communicate their needs openly to spare them resorting to sulking to get their way which in the end costs them.

How many times have we seen inappropriate behaviour in the media. Which comes first dysfunctional behaviour in real life and then depicted in the media, or behaviour role modelled in the media which we copy in real life? It is commonly thought that what happens in real life comes first. But how many times have we seen adult friends slapping each other around in real life as has been on TV? I haven’t once seen any such behaviour in real life that has not caused major emotional and physical hurt. I remember the Dynasty arch enemies, Linda Evans and Joan Collins, wrestling in their diamonds and designer clothes whilst falling into the swimming pool, making people laugh. Surely we must be more responsible for what behaviour examples we support in the media because ‘monkey see, monkey do’ and people can repeat dysfunctionality just because it appears popular in the media.