Maintain vigilance

Owl eyes, photo by Kristof Degreef, Nieuwerkerken, Belgium, nothing missedOne human weakness is the need to stop doing what works when things are going well. Usually people who have found their sanity by taking the relevant medication will, against medical advice, stop taking the medication when they feel well, with horrendous consequences. Others will find solutions to their problems through counselling and once the situation improves they stop doing what was necessary to achieve the results, again with horrendous consequences. We need to keep vigilant about unacceptable changes in our wellbeing and once we find solutions then also maintain vigilance to ensure that improvements are not lost.

the last time I saw them they had after a few sessions
resolved their difficulties and made a checklist of what
they had done to sort things out so that they could
continue what worked and maintain the improvement
intelligent, successful, people meant commitment to
the system for success, or so you’d think
why should they be any different to the rest of us
a human frailty is becoming overconfident
and stopping what works
it can happen to me too if I don’t maintain
the vigilance and even then I am prone!
a year later they were back almost ready to divorce and
full of resentment, anger, defensiveness and vengeance
they had time to each tell their version of the problem
having expressed themselves we looked at their checklist
maybe one or two items had been maintained
but the rest had been grossly neglected
although it seemed hopeless we began again
and bit by bit things got turned around
after a few sessions they were back on track
back to basics always works yet we have
a tendency to complicate things

Soulmates or love addiction?

Forelove @ Backlight, photo by Ertl Balázs, Soroksar, Hungary, true loveThere is a fine line between having a loving relationship and love addiction. A loving relationship involves soulmates having a fulfilling life based on like-minded friendship. Love addiction is a relationship that brings extreme highs and lows with unmanageablity as the distinctive characteristic which gets progressively worse. Soulmates or love addiction, which will it be for you?

he had experienced great unhappiness
and yet mad passionate love with her
he was finally free of that madness
and it hadn’t been easy to achieve!
in therapy he tried to understand
why he felt disinterested with his new love
and yet he knew he loved her deeply
it took a while for him to realise
that he needed to adjust to the reality of love
in other words: soulmates or love addiction?
he finally understood the difference
and since then his life has been
what he’s always hoped for and yet
thought he’d never have
together with serenity at last
as well as three adorable young children to love

Syron bush wedding

our bush wedding, Elaine Kitchener and Gordon Syron, on SBS 2/11/06Choosing the place to celebrate a marriage is possible when you have a celebrant flexible enough to go wherever you want. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve conducted weddings in the most interesting places – in Sydney on land, on a beach, on the harbour and out in the country, in the bush. The place needs to have meaning for the marriage to be memorable for you. It need not be difficult nor expensive for the location of choice. Then again, sometimes, it does involve a bit of organising and expense, depending on your needs.

SBS showed the Syron bush wedding
which took place at Wilcannia
where originally Elaine Kitchener and Gordon Syron
had discovered their love and where they had
their bush wedding in November 2004
they flew me to Broken Hill and
after a 2 hour drive I joined them
and finally planned their ceremony
which took place on the banks of the Darling River
where the bride carried a bouquet of
Australian wild flowers and they
exchanged their vows that were
based on his Aboriginal culture
and her Jewish custom of
the groom stomping on a glass
wrapped in a hanky on the ground
the weather was perfect
and nature’s playground
was breathtaking

Relationship dance

Light dance 2, photo by Audrey Johnson, United States, healthy loveResearch has shown that in a roomful of people we unconsciously choose a person who will do a relationship dance with us which suites our present need. That need can be healthy or not, a happy one or full of misery – depending on our self esteem level. There may be unfinished business with our parents and we choose someone to be attracted to who will give us the opportunity to resolve those issues.

Although we know that it’s not good to
fall in love with someone who reminds us
of one of our parents, nevertheless,
it happens so often unknowingly
the relationship dance that follows
can make us or break us
all in the name of being in love
her first husband reminded her of
her charismatic neurotic mother
whilst her second husband reminded her
of her gentle dignified father
neither marriages turned out
no wonder, but she resolved many issues
and said that perhaps her third marriage
will have a better outcome

Intimacy

Peek by Tom Denham, Palm Bay, USA
Peek by Tom Denham, Palm Bay, USA

People need intimacy to feel fulfilled in life. Intimacy means more than just sex. Intimacy means being close enough to someone so that we are able to be honest about our innermost feelings – positive or negative. Intimacy can make us feel blissful and complete. Without intimacy we slip into dishonesty, defensiveness and ego inflation. Although a strength, intimacy can be fearful to contemplate. Sometimes in a relationship we argue because the ‘making up’ process brings back the intimacy that has slipped away.

they were arguing more and more
and came to me to see what was wrong
as we spoke about their life process
it became apparent that they were
both absorbed with their own work
and had little time left for their
relationship enjoyments
and they had not noticed that
this meant there was a lack of
intimacy between them unless
they argued and then ‘made up’
simple but important to know
and rectifiable

Pets are therapy

Ziggy the cat, photo by Ali May, Forfar, United Kingdom, loyal friendIt is well documented that having a pet is more than just a pastime or a fancy. Pets are therapy. People who are recovering from serious illness show more of a remarkable recovery than those who don’t have a pet. Have you wondered why? One school of thought claims that when we show love to another we heal. A pet can return unconditional love and love is the emotion that heals us. How many times have we seen people melt at the sight of an animal? How many times have we seen people be cruel to their animals and yet they put up with it. Few times an animal will react viciously, but usually that’s when they become scared. Understandably, pets are therapy when they are treated well and not abused.

I have had pets since when I was a young girl
my pets are therapy to me and have
always been a part of the family
living inside with easy access to the outside
Anna, my Siamese cat lived for 17 years
and when I could not care for her she lived with
my son’s family, coming back to me when things changed
Lolita my Chihuahua, lived 16years,
very unusual for both breeds
my Burman cats had to be relocated for more room
now, Midnight, my black cat has been
with me for 4 years and is 7
he gives me so much delight as I speak to him
and he answers
his purring is like an expensive car must
sound to a car lover
he is worth his weight in gold, as they say

Rescuing a relationship

love and light, photo by Camilo Labrador, Merida, Venezuela, intimacy, passionIt’s awesome to be in relationship that is fulfilling. The laughter, mutual interests, companionship, and passionate connection. Sure, there can be moments of friction too, but that is to be expected when two people are intimate. Sometimes the friction is a subconscious attempt at igniting a dying flame, because the make-up process heightens intimacy again. Rescuing a relationship can be enjoyable, nevertheless it is far healthier to do so without allowing friction to be the tool. Other methods such as booking in quality time to have fun can be far more effective to bring two people close once more.

they sat across from me looking so tense
what happened to their close loving friendship?
not so long ago they were full of happiness
and plans for the future which always proved
to be exciting for them!
there had been preoccupation with work
and many expenses which restricted socialising
the children had their problems
everything had been too much, and
as they shared about it they realised that
they were not as close as they liked
amazing how a few moments spent together
talking about rescuing a relationship
can bring people closer and feel
loving towards each other again