Soulmate

Amor junto al río, photo by Hernan Herrero, Capital Federal, Argentina, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/364492, loving relationshipSuccessful relationships can take place between people who are not soulmates. This is because soulmates can sometimes be just good friends. Nevertheless, when a loving relationship involves a lover who is also a soulmate then it is considered by some to be ideal. So if you’re searching for the ideal partner make a list of all the pros and cons of such a person – it is important to show both what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. In doing that you raise your awareness of the type of person that will suit you best. Everything in life needs a blueprint and likewise relationships do too. Make sure that you are meticulous in making your list and then affirm it by thinking positive about finding your soulmate and life partner.

he had been unlucky in his choice of partners
someone who had appeared to be a soulmate
turned out to be codependent hell
he wanted to stop repeating this mistake
his life coach suggested he make a written list
of the likes and dislikes he had about
a future loving relationship
she said it was a phenomenon that worked
but she stressed that he make sure he
does not leave anything out from the list
he laughed because he thought it stupid
but he did it because she’d been right before
about some important things
not long after he found his wife and soulmate
and ten years later they have a life
he wouldn’t have believed was possible
children, security, love, fun and
above all sanity and serenity

Amor junto al río, photo by Hernan Herrero, Capital Federal, Argentina

13th Step love

Together, photo by Puiu Adriana Mirabela, Bucharest, Romania,  loving fellowshipPeople who find recovery from addictions in a 12 Step program create close loving friendships together, which is the basis for this fellowship. It’s known that some members also find a soulmate or life partner in the 12 Step fellowship, when both partners have a strong recovery and are ready for an intimate relationship. In such cases a life partnership is rewarding because they share a way of life which they understand and which enhances their recovery choices. However, people need to be vigilant about 13th Step love. That’s what they call it when someone who is experienced with the 12 Step program gets involved with a member in recovery who is vulnerable and who is usually a new member (also see my other posts on the 13th Step which is the unofficial term for this involvement).

he resisted his feelings about her because
she was new in recovery and he was her guide
he had many years in the 12 Step fellowship
and was grateful for the sanity and serenity he had
but he was fooled about her level of recovery
because it was not her first time in the program
so when their relationship became intimate he had
hopeful plans for their future together
but then she relapsed and he realised
it had only been a 13th Step love
he took responsibility for the mistake as he was the more
experienced one and had needed to be more aware
she was now a ‘runaway train’ with her addiction and
they suffered in more ways than one
a painful lesson for both

Wedding presents

Wedding gifts, photo by Gary Scott, Cambridge, Canada, wedding wishesWhen two people get married, guests share the happy event by giving wedding presents. The size and expense depends on the giver’s budget and their closeness to the couple. Nowadays, in this country, the couple chooses a store where they set up a register and the guests can go and buy whatever items the couple want. The purchasing process is made easier that way and duplications are avoided.

as we discussed their wedding plans
the bride mentioned that they had
even chosen the store for the register
and it was one which had a variety of prices
so that the wedding presents could even
be bought for a reasonable price
this was especially good because their guests
varied in financial circumstances so that
some could afford expensive presents
and others could not
this was a smart choice

Chocolate highs

Hearts, photo by Stephen Gibson, Sydney Australia,  chocolate thrillsMost of us have heard about surveys that showed when we eat chocolate we get the same high as being in love. That is why we love chocolate. Eating chocolate releases endorphins which make us feel contented and happy. That’s quite harmless as long as we don’t do it to excess (addiction) and as long as we stay aware of our true feelings which will only become troublesome if we do not acknowledge them.

at the age of 11 my father married again
I was happy to have a stepmother and step siblings
family was important in my worldview and since
my mother left us taking my brother with her
I missed having my brother close but I didn’t miss
my mother’s screaming and abusive behaviours
my stepmother was a nurse’s aide and she
taught me how to keep a spotless house and
cook and wash and iron all the family’s clothes
she said I would always appreciate this in life
I don’t think she would be happy to hear that
thanks to that hard work when I married I
used to hire people to do my ironing and vacuuming
anyway, the best thing I remember about her is
that on Sunday mornings we used to all get into
bed together just long enough to eat some chocolate
she taught us how to suck the chocolate to make it last
and to really enjoy the taste – delaying gratification
now and then that’s how I still eat chocolate but
I can do that because I’m not addicted to chocolate

Soulmates or love addiction?

Forelove @ Backlight, photo by Ertl Balázs, Soroksar, Hungary, true loveThere is a fine line between having a loving relationship and love addiction. A loving relationship involves soulmates having a fulfilling life based on like-minded friendship. Love addiction is a relationship that brings extreme highs and lows with unmanageablity as the distinctive characteristic which gets progressively worse. Soulmates or love addiction, which will it be for you?

he had experienced great unhappiness
and yet mad passionate love with her
he was finally free of that madness
and it hadn’t been easy to achieve!
in therapy he tried to understand
why he felt disinterested with his new love
and yet he knew he loved her deeply
it took a while for him to realise
that he needed to adjust to the reality of love
in other words: soulmates or love addiction?
he finally understood the difference
and since then his life has been
what he’s always hoped for and yet
thought he’d never have
together with serenity at last
as well as three adorable young children to love

Beach wedding

sunset, photo by Aneta B., Elblag, Poland, romantic loveOften people appreciate the elegance of a wedding but not the church ceremony. They love the formal outfits – the bridal dress and the suave groom’s suit. Many couples fancy a beach wedding. It’s a beautiful choice and easily attainable. After the marriage, there is the choice of where to celebrate the union – in the backyard of their home, a reception house, or on a boat. Nevertheless at some time or other they want photos on the beach in their outfits.

this was the second marriage for both
they loved each other like never before,
their marriage was on the beach
he wore a white dinner suit and
she a beautiful strapless wedding dress
the ceremony was so romantic and
as the waves splashed along
the sound was mesmerising
I spoke the words that
formalised their marriage and
made them husband and wife
it was twilight and cool with the sea wind
once the photos were done everyone went inside
to the restaurant which was on the beach and
during the pre-dinner drinks the bride and groom
had the rest of their photos taken on the beach
once they were finished they joined us and
we had the most delicious French cuisine
as entrancing classical guitars and piped music
played softly in the background
we could see the beach with it’s ocean view
how spectacular yet so simple

Practise to make perfect

A helping hand 2, photo by Melodi T, Waiuku,  New Zealand, not alone Human beings have an innate need to be united with another. That is why we keep going back for more even if it is unpleasant. Avoiding being attracted to dysfunctional relationships means developing the art of being clear about what is acceptable to us and what’s not. From when we are children we need help to learn about new things from others who are experienced, especially those we can trust. Then practise to make perfect, as the saying goes.

he said that he had been a proactive person
successful in his endeavours and happy too
then he met her and after the initial bliss
it all went downhill because she wanted him
to change just to please her
as he did it just got worse – he felt like a doormat for her
but she was still not happy, his self esteem plummeted
then he walked away from the breakup
and in an attempt to pick up the pieces
he asked me what to do? I reminded him that
once he was strong and capable as well as happy
so he could start again because he had done everything
to save that dysfunctional relationship
also it was now time to note what he didn’t want in
the next relationship and get on with his life
I saw him again and he was confident, refreshed and
optimistic about life

Syron bush wedding

our bush wedding, Elaine Kitchener and Gordon Syron, on SBS 2/11/06Choosing the place to celebrate a marriage is possible when you have a celebrant flexible enough to go wherever you want. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve conducted weddings in the most interesting places – in Sydney on land, on a beach, on the harbour and out in the country, in the bush. The place needs to have meaning for the marriage to be memorable for you. It need not be difficult nor expensive for the location of choice. Then again, sometimes, it does involve a bit of organising and expense, depending on your needs.

SBS showed the Syron bush wedding
which took place at Wilcannia
where originally Elaine Kitchener and Gordon Syron
had discovered their love and where they had
their bush wedding in November 2004
they flew me to Broken Hill and
after a 2 hour drive I joined them
and finally planned their ceremony
which took place on the banks of the Darling River
where the bride carried a bouquet of
Australian wild flowers and they
exchanged their vows that were
based on his Aboriginal culture
and her Jewish custom of
the groom stomping on a glass
wrapped in a hanky on the ground
the weather was perfect
and nature’s playground
was breathtaking

Simple and quaint wedding cake

Marriage Cake, photo by Stenio Silva, Sao Paulo, Brazil,  symbolic joy Here is another wedding cake which is representative of a traditional wedding cake with the bride and groom dolls on top. Yet it is simple and quaint for those who do not wish to have a many tiered wedding cake. As a celebrant I have seen many cakes. If you search you will always find what you like. This lesson also applies to everything in life.

a couple who came to me for
their wedding plans
turned out to be people who
had financial and emotional security
as well as fulfilling careers
they wanted a wedding which
would celebrate their loving relationship
without pomp and ceremony
a more personal event which
they could share with family
and close friends
so they wanted
a simple and quaint wedding cake
to fit the occasion

Marriage Cake, photo by Stenio Silva, Sao Paulo, Brazil, symbolic joy

Loves me, loves me not

Daisy, photo by Allison Choppick, Toronto, Canada, true loveSo many people rely on their partner to constantly reassure them that they are loved. Having your significant other express their love for you is great, but to depend on that can only take its toll on you and your partner. It’s much like living in the fantasy of plucking a daisy and counting the petals with the chant “loves me, loves me not” to find out if you’re loved or not. It is far better to love yourself first and believe that others love you, than the other way around.

if you have ever plucked a daisy in your youth
saying “loves me, loves me not”
you will remember the disappointment
when after mutilating the poor daisy
you reach “loves me not” and your
heart plunges in the depths of despair
or if the outcome was “loves me”
and the feeling was that
you didn’t believe it
then that didn’t feel good either
maybe you experienced
feeling insatiable and wanting
to pluck another poor daisy again!
really it’s about
not feeling lovable to begin with
and therefore many of us have given
into the curiosity of plucking
the poor daisy!

Daisy, photo by Allison Choppick, Toronto, Canada, true love