‘Collage-Life’ said “Why no one has commented on this bright bit of information, I know not.” She is referring to my post 13th Step – don’t screw anyone crazier than you. This is not a new concept in the 12 Step fellowship but perhaps not written about often enough. Entering into an intimate relationship with someone in early recovery, who is basically attempting to regain their sanity, has a doomed outcome. The suggested period of time to avoid relationships is at least one year when the person can focus their total efforts on developing a new lifestyle. As sobriety or clean-time becomes the preferred option, emotional maturity takes place. Then the person is ready to safely enjoy and manage the madness of romantic love which takes place in an intimate relationship. Sometimes this also applies with old relationships that became dysfunctional because of the addiction. Better to be safe than sorry that you have a ‘wounded bird’ for a partner – 13 Step disaster.
Your partner made a good beginning
with 90 meetings in 90 days
lying is part of addiction and
ignoring your own intuitions is
part of being an enabler for addiction
you have learnt the hard way and no doubt
it must have been very painful
you have understood better than both of you
that you need to stay apart until he is
strong in his recovery otherwise quite likely
he will relapse and will blame you
it’s the nature of the disease
you have chosen well to wait
trust your intuition and
in the meantime attend Al Anon meetings
which helps friends and relatives of alcoholics
to know how to relate for the best and
avoid the 13 Step disaster
Hello, again,
I was here in Sept ’06 and you posted this response to my comment: “Hang in there and after the year’s up you will be able to know whether he is who you want to settle with.”
I hung in. We both did. Not perfectly but I tried only to break from that man in the fall of 2007, a year from my post to you here. We separated for maybe three months then, but in a moment of guilt and loneliness, I contacted him. 15 minutes later, literally, he was at my door. This has been our cycle, my cycle, to break and mend and break. I was not ready at the beginning of the relationship, having just left an abusive marriage, and he has blamed me for most of what is/was wrong with us. I knew I needed to take time and space to heal, but out of fear I did not.
Now, another year later, I understand what I need to do. I am an ACOA who is affected by early and on-going traumas. I need time and space to heal and make peace with the past. Time and space are the things that man will never give me – despite knowing much of my past, and how he himself attended AA meetings (up to a point). He has said “we’re in recovery” as a couple, but I need to recover by myself.
I must take it, the time and space for me. But this time, without guilt or fear.
No matter how I feel about that man, being in a relationship with someone trying to get themselves back together while I attempt the same seems like a recipe for disaster. It’s ironic that love cannot solve everything.
I need – and want – to reclaim my Self. That must happen now for there will never be any better time. Thank you for your comments back to me last year. They were very helpful.