Affie Adagio – Page 26 – Dr Affie Adagio

Motivation and recovery

It doesn’t matter whether we search for recovery from addiction or any other form of emotional or mental ill health, motivation and recovery go hand in hand. Good intentions are not sufficient. How many times have we heard the afflicted person being accused of not wanting recovery otherwise they could have it. In response the addict desperately claims that they do want recovery. Motivation is vital to recovery. Usually reaching rock-bottom motivates the afflicted person to commit to recovery. They say ‘no pain no gain’. But it would certainly be great for motivation to be accessed without the pain of rock-bottom.

Getting free of the grip of addiction is like learning anything new. Practise makes perfect and then the most difficult becomes easy – it’s the same as learning to ride a bike or learning to play an instrument. Repetitive positive behaviour (recovery) replaces the repetitive negative behaviour (addiction). There is a big difference between negative addiction and positive addiction (recovery). Although one needs to be always on guard that the positive addiction does not become negative addiction. The way to avoid that is by knowing that negative addiction makes life unmanageable whereas positive addiction is the serenity in recovery.

he came to me, a sorry sight
having been in detox 27 times
coming out each time with
the promise of recovery and
freedom from the clutches of addiction
yet after a short period he busted
on alcohol and narcotics
I feared that death would find him
before recovery did
and deep down inside he felt the same
but as advised by those who know better
motivation and recovery would come when
he attended 12 Step meetings even though
there was great resistance from within
“get your bum on a seat” they said
and he did until eventually it worked
and sobriety and clean time became
his positive addiction
serenity and freedom at last
what bliss?!

Opera House Wedding

Having a marriage celebrant conduct your wedding means you can have the event anywhere you wish. Several couples have had an Opera House wedding. My son and his wife had their reception at the Opera House where the celebration involved exchanging their wedding vows. Others were on a wharf or the steps of the Opera House or even on a cruiser, which we all boarded at the Opera House. As the ceremony does not take long this is just what people enjoy. Some have had their wedding at Mrs Macquarie’s Chair with the Opera House and Harbour Bridge in the background. The atmosphere is magical.

a couple came to me requesting
an Opera House Wedding
the wharf was their choice
it was so exciting because it
was a wedding with a difference
not only because of the location but also
because of the black colour scheme for
the bridal party, guests and me
furthermore as they worked as film FX people
their wedding ceremony was
attended by some colleagues in
a helicopter flying in circles above us
how fascinating!

Self parenting

Before we can have fulfilling relationships we need to first have a good relationship with self. This is done successfully when we have the emotional maturity to carry out parenting ourselves – self parenting. Otherwise we are out of touch with our feelings because we do not know how to deal with them and to befriend them. Our feelings are anywhere on a continuum between elation and depression. Feelings can be fearful unless we can recognise them and own them as being important to our personality. Only then can we handle the feelings of others in a relationship, be it a working or a loving relationship.

he looked at me with smirking eyes
when I mentioned self parenting
and laughed heartily saying
I was being ridiculous
but then I asked him to
tell me how he was feeling
about his unhappy relationship
and he struggled for the words
to express himself
so we spent several counselling sessions
until he found how to identify his feelings
and how to stop trying to bury them
the change in him was obvious and
this was confirmed by his partner and
by not needing so much booze to
self medicate the inner turmoil

False modesty

So many times when we compliment someone on their talent they negate our perception. This is sometimes because of low self-esteem, or because they have not learnt the social graces to respond in gratitude, or because they prefer to be modest. Nevertheless it all comes down to false modesty. It is apparent when someone exhibits false modesty. They not only reject the praise offered but they insult the person who gives it only to then show that they are indeed talented. When someone praises you then just say thank you, that’s all that’s required and the exchange is then positive and complete.

she had a beautiful voice and
everyone present knew it
and so did she
then someone invited her to sing
she refused in a manner that
was one of modesty
however it was a false modesty
because once everyone applauded
and screamed out for her to sing
she performed just as expected
beautifully and unforgettable
however her false modesty
was disappointing to me
and I’m sure to others

singer statue, photo by andrea andrea, cluj-napoca, Romania, natural talent

13th Step disaster

‘Collage-Life’ said “Why no one has commented on this bright bit of information, I know not.” She is referring to my post 13th Step – don’t screw anyone crazier than you. This is not a new concept in the 12 Step fellowship but perhaps not written about often enough. Entering into an intimate relationship with someone in early recovery, who is basically attempting to regain their sanity, has a doomed outcome. The suggested period of time to avoid relationships is at least one year when the person can focus their total efforts on developing a new lifestyle. As sobriety or clean-time becomes the preferred option, emotional maturity takes place. Then the person is ready to safely enjoy and manage the madness of romantic love which takes place in an intimate relationship. Sometimes this also applies with old relationships that became dysfunctional because of the addiction. Better to be safe than sorry that you have a ‘wounded bird’ for a partner – 13 Step disaster.

Your partner made a good beginning
with 90 meetings in 90 days
lying is part of addiction and
ignoring your own intuitions is
part of being an enabler for addiction
you have learnt the hard way and no doubt
it must have been very painful
you have understood better than both of you
that you need to stay apart until he is
strong in his recovery otherwise quite likely
he will relapse and will blame you
it’s the nature of the disease
you have chosen well to wait
trust your intuition and
in the meantime attend Al Anon meetings
which helps friends and relatives of alcoholics
to know how to relate for the best and
avoid the 13 Step disaster

Sorrow

Sorrow has its place in our repertoire of emotions. It helps us to appreciate happiness and all other feelgoods. Sorrow also lets us express tension and other pressures because it is a safety valve for stress. Nevertheless, it is an emotion that can be a nuisance, because sometimes it appears when we do not wish to show sorrow, quite out of the blue. It does, however, cause us to stop and observe what is happening inside us. This makes us more self-aware and thereby more healthy.

I received good news about a matter
which had caused me great concern
all day I felt light hearted and happy
then out of the blue I was overcome
with sorrow, such sadness!
as I wondered where this came from
I remembered that sometimes for me
after I am relieved of serious stress
I experience happiness followed by
momentary sorrow and sadness
more like a delayed shock that
I need to acknowledge and process
something I had not allowed myself to
truly feel when I was stressed

Pets are therapy

It is well documented that having a pet is more than just a pastime or a fancy. Pets are therapy. People who are recovering from serious illness show more of a remarkable recovery than those who don’t have a pet. Have you wondered why? One school of thought claims that when we show love to another we heal. A pet can return unconditional love and love is the emotion that heals us. How many times have we seen people melt at the sight of an animal? How many times have we seen people be cruel to their animals and yet they put up with it. Few times an animal will react viciously, but usually that’s when they become scared. Understandably, pets are therapy when they are treated well and not abused.

I have had pets since when I was a young girl
my pets are therapy to me and have
always been a part of the family
living inside with easy access to the outside
Anna, my Siamese cat lived for 17 years
and when I could not care for her she lived with
my son’s family, coming back to me when things changed
Lolita my Chihuahua, lived 16years,
very unusual for both breeds
my Burman cats had to be relocated for more room
now, Midnight, my black cat has been
with me for 4 years and is 7
he gives me so much delight as I speak to him
and he answers
his purring is like an expensive car must
sound to a car lover
he is worth his weight in gold, as they say

Meditation

Whether recovering from addictions, emotional and physical burnout or any other disorder, one of the more effective tools for healing is meditation. Meditation can accompany many different activities such as sitting still and meditating, or yoga meditation, dance meditation, music meditation, chanting meditation, art meditation (drawing, painting, sketching) and even work meditation. Whatever places us in a quiet space where we do not think, in other words we clear our minds of the chatter and busy thoughts. This process centers and grounds us so that we are able to think clearly and take care of our own needs better. Search for whatever takes you into that meditative state and you will know bliss.

I had known of the benefit of meditation
for our wellbeing but whenever
I tried to meditate I would either
fall asleep or do ‘head miles’ about
whatever came into my mind
then one day I stumbled across
fine point abstract sketching and
I discovered the bliss of meditation
1,000 sketches later I still enjoy
the process of my mind hooked in
to every stroke I make whilst
thinking of absolutely nothing and
feeling the amazing thrill of that
state of bliss from being without
any thoughts whatsoever
in that moment in time

Dance in sunset, photo by Sara Hammarback, Stockholm, Sweden, bliss, peace

Double standards

Angela commented on my post on infidelity

“Others yet believe that infidelity is OK for them. They will justify and rationalise it and will be willing to murder (literally and metaphorically) their partner if the latter dares do the same. What sort of people are these? And to add insult to injury they will moralise and talk about values in public!”

Angela, it is one thing to have infidelity as a mutual relationship choice and another to behave in the dysfunctional manner which you describe. To even consider murdering for any reason is indicative of a person’s mental instability.

Furthermore, those people who practise infidelity and expect their partner to be monogamous have double standards. That is definitely not the concept I was describing as part of an open marriage. Not very many people have the emotional maturity to live in a truly open marriage without double standards and that is why the majority of couples choose to place fidelity as the foundation of their relationship.

Again whether they succeed in having a monogamous relationship or an open one, it depends on their emotional maturity and commitment to the choice they have made.

I’ll be happy when…

How many times have we said “I’ll be happy when…” and we give numerous reasons such as after the lottery win, after the weight loss, after the dream job and so on? The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow holds the promise of bliss. Even if that happens, and it has sometimes, we don’t know what to do with ourselves – there’s delayed shock to overcome before we can enjoy the prize. Nevertheless, for some of us we still can’t cope with the fact that something good has actually happened. Stop wishing for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and become proactive about your happiness.

as he shared his ideas about how they
could overcome their financial difficulties
I turned to her expecting to see relief in her face
but instead she looked as though
someone had just died
“what?!” I asked
she said that until it happens
the worry will still plague her
when she realised she was doing the
“I’ll be happy when…” routine
the insight set her free of negativity
and she could enjoy the moment

Pot of gold 2, photo by Kim Beardsmore, Kellyville, Australia, wishes, dreams