Dr Affie Adagio Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer

I had a comment from Renee about a problem they were experiencing, which is worth writing a post on here. Many families are faced with the discomfort that a member’s compulsion can cause. There is a concern for what is obvious and then struggling with a need to not cause distress for the person in question, as can be seen in this plea:

Tags: addiction, anxiety, attitude, childrearing_practices, counselling, family_therapist

I promised to let you know why some visitors to Australia come here to get married because it is not possible to marry in their own country. I also wrote that as I was not exactly sure why this was the case I would wait for the next such wedding and then after more research I would let you know the facts. The reason is quite simple really. In a country where there is a main religion, the partner who is not of that religion needs to change to the religion of the land for a marriage to take place in the church. Here in our country inter-religious marriages have become easier in some cases. Back to the case of marriages in countries outside Australia – when a couple wished to have a civil marriage in such a country, red tape can take so long that it becomes thwarting. So couples visit other countries, bring back the formal documentation which is then recognised and registered in their own country.

Tags: -Marriage-Celebrant, ambiance, bliss, bride_and_groom, celebrate, choices

People who are torn apart by their addiction can lose years struggling to find happiness. Having unhealthy behaviour, whether it is substance or process excesses, keeps us from finding fulfilment and serenity. Nevertheless, only when we become willing to go to any lengths to gain recovery are we able to achieve this freedom. The willingness to be abstinent is not so easy as it sounds. That is why it can be achieved with help from professionals and from self help groups where people have the experience to share about how they did it. Such groups are primarily the 12 Steps fellowship and/or SMART Recovery. The important thing to remember is NOT TO STOP SEARCHING FOR A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM.

I cannot stress enough that people who are not experienced or qualified need to know their limitations when it comes to providing guidance or therapy to those who are afflicted with dysfunctional or addictive behaviours. I am being approached by so many visitors to this website who think that they can help by accommodating or enabling an addiction otherwise the person depending on them will die. Such people at times have risked their own and their children’s happiness and wellbeing in the belief that their partner is more important. The best action is to refer the afflicted person to a therapist and to also get help themselves to process the trauma they have experienced. Here is the answer I gave to one such comment.

I wish you all a Happy New Year with happiness and love in your lives.? The festivities found me recuperating from a shoulder injury, as you know,? but now I am feeling more agile. My mind has turned to new year resolutions that we often make, some do-able and some unrealistic. Far better to set realistic goals so as to have a better chance of achieving them and less chance of failure with the outcome of guilt.

Tags: plan_of_action, promises, prosperity, recovery, relationship_skills, role-model

When we are injured physically or emotionally (burnout) the recovery process takes some time and we need to give ourselves permission to veg out and rest in order to heal. Sitting around doing nothing can cause us guilt but the recovery from injury takes time. We need to follow doctor’s orders and not push ourselves to do things that might throw us backwards. Patience is important and logic helps us to be patient till we are again well enough.

Tags: burnout, emotional_trauma, pain_grief

When two people enter into a relationship it quite often happens that they slip into roles as though they are on opposite ends of a ‘see saw’ and this causes a perceived power imbalance where one feels overpowered by the other. The dominant partner increases their ability to be outspoken and the passive partner becomes even more quiet. But it can be an illusion because the partner who appears dominant is behaving that way because they feel unheard and the one who appears passive actually controls the relationship through passive aggression – both contribute to the disintegration of the relationship. It is vital that the couple stops the aggressive dance and looks at the whole situation with a willingness to talk through and to resolve the issue at hand, rather than trying to win the battle.

I have not written regular posts recently because I have been preoccupied with other priorities and because, more recently, I dislocated my shoulder. When life intervenes we reorganise our priorities to cope with the obstacles and eventually we learn to ‘go with the flow’ until everything is sorted out once more. As I live on my own, I had often wondered how I would manage should something serious happen to me. Well last week I found out. I tripped and felt the horrendous pain as my shoulder became dislocated. As I sat on the floor moaning and groaning holding onto my injured shoulder I manage to reach my mobile and call 000, twenty minutes after which I was picked up by an ambulance and taken to St Vincents Hospital Emergency. I was Xrayed and under anaesthetic they took care of the injury. My arm is in a sling and I am on the mend. The point I am making is that when life intervenes we can manage to ‘dust ourselves off and start all over again’.

Rachel commented on my post on addiction and anorexia saying that she hoped I could help her. When it comes to eating out she tries to order a meal that will be easier for her to finish instead of one that she really wants and feels nervous throughout. Rachel claims she is so preoccupied with this thinking that she doesn’t finish the meal. As she is planning to travel, this problem is preventing her from going.

Tags: life_experiences, life_threatening, mind_power, obsessive_compulsive_behaviour, recovery, self-help, unhappy, unmanageability

An identifying characteristic of someone who is using drugs excessively can sometimes be that no matter how attractive they are they have a wild look. A look that threatens any notion of the personal safety of those around, even though it may not be intentional. That look appears to see through people and lacks intimacy. It creates a feeling that the afflicted person is possibly out to take whatever they can and we need to protect ourselves and our possessions. Yet the person in question thinks that no one can tell that they have be using drugs. Therefore, it is important to challenge the behaviour safely and tell them what we see, instead of pretending it is not obvious.