June 2006 – Dr Affie Adagio

Rescuing a relationship

It’s awesome to be in relationship that is fulfilling. The laughter, mutual interests, companionship, and passionate connection. Sure, there can be moments of friction too, but that is to be expected when two people are intimate. Sometimes the friction is a subconscious attempt at igniting a dying flame, because the make-up process heightens intimacy again. Rescuing a relationship can be enjoyable, nevertheless it is far healthier to do so without allowing friction to be the tool. Other methods such as booking in quality time to have fun can be far more effective to bring two people close once more.

they sat across from me looking so tense
what happened to their close loving friendship?
not so long ago they were full of happiness
and plans for the future which always proved
to be exciting for them!
there had been preoccupation with work
and many expenses which restricted socialising
the children had their problems
everything had been too much, and
as they shared about it they realised that
they were not as close as they liked
amazing how a few moments spent together
talking about rescuing a relationship
can bring people closer and feel
loving towards each other again

Marriage in the Blue Mountains

Being in love is a wonderful time. In the beginning the lovers think alike, enjoy the same interests, want to spend lots of time together, and rarely disagree. They have passion in their lovemaking and the future looks perfect. So their wedding day needs to be ideal to celebrate such an important day. Some want their celebration to be by the sea, others prefer the country and my latest couple whose marriage is approaching want it to take place in the Blue Mountains.

“will you travel to the Blue Mountains for the wedding?”
“of course I will”, I replied
their smiles indicated their delight because
to them a marriage in the Blue Mountains meant
going back to where they had originally come from
that was important to them as it took them
back to their roots
however, there are others who want to
celebrate their wedding in the Blue Mountains
because as city folk they loved the ambiance of
the Blue Mountains and the atmosphere there
some have had their photos taken after the marriage
at one of the lookouts with the beautiful surroundings
undeniably a day to remember and the closest to heaven

Food addiction

Food addiction sounds so harmless, yet the obesity plague is affecting many nations. Whatever the reason, whether we need comfort food in a stressed lifestyle, or whether we are overeating compulsively because of hedonistic reasons such as trying to maintain the feelings of fun, it is a major problem with children as well as adults. Obesity is killing us. At the other end of the food addiction continuum, anorexia gives its victims a feeling of power and control by not eating, which is life threatening too. It all spells food addiction – undereating or overeating and recovery cannot be achieved without help.

as she sat it the self help meeting
every story had elements of her own life
food had been her friend in the same way as
chain smoking had once been
at least she got free of that 18 years ago
but overeating was a different story
people joke about things like chocolate and chips
yet she knew her diabetes was so aggravated by that!
she used to binge and fast and that helped
but nothing worked any more, so
joining others and listening to their stories
was proving more helpful for her
recovery from food addiction
already she had identified her trigger foods
and keeping to her food plan was much easier

New beginnings

When relationships end, either by death or divorce, part of the growth process is how we make new beginnings. We complete our grieving and only then can we accept that it’s over. Some decide to spend time alone to recover from their loss, while others search for a new relationship. Nevertheless, Life goes on and so do we, that’s the way it should be.

every other time he had gone after her
this time he waited for her to come back on her own
and she didn’t!
so he licked his emotional wounds and
got back up from the depths of his depression
“Life goes on” someone had said
and now it was the best thought
as he considered new beginnings
the future was more promising
last time I saw him he was smiling and his life
was so much brighter now
behold, photo by Arjun Chennu, Chennai, India, http://arjmage.blogspot.com

Grief

When we are faced with the death of a loved one the pain is deep. The shock can be so immense that we cannot believe it’s true. Sometimes even sorrow is buried by the shock. As time passes we adjust to the reality of the death and grief takes over. Then we flip back and forwards through those stages of shock, awareness of the reality, and grief peppered with attempts to justify our inability to have prevented this outcome. Finally with relief reality takes hold and we accept that we must give up and say goodbye.

last week a dear friend told me of the
loss of her friend as she mourned Verna
then at the beginning of this week we lost
another respected member of the community
Dr. John Hirshman A.M., such a loving friend
and today I found out that our closest friend Sally
was killed by a car on her way to work
all week I was sorrowful but today I kept repeating
“it’s unbelievable” realising that I will not see Sally again
such a heartbreaking week full of death and grief
it made me become aware of my mortality and
that of everyone else near and dear to me

center of a rose, photo by Jan Roger Johannesen, Trondheim, Norway, http://www.janroger.no

Wedding Vows

When a couple plans a wedding the most confusing part is preparing the wedding vows. The excitement of the event sometimes overwhelms the couple and thinking of what to say to each other only adds to the confusion. As a marriage celebrant I show them many examples. However, the most important part of composing wedding vows is that they paint a picture of the feelings they have for each other. How they met and discovered their love, adds colour to the event.

he looked into her eyes and smiling
said that he loved her and promised that
his goal in life would be to provide reasons
for her to be happy in the marriage with him
he added that when they first met at a friend’s place
he knew that she was the one he wanted to spend
the rest of his life with.
with love in her eyes she agreed that
she had felt the same when they first met
and she promised that his happiness
would be the most important thing in her life.
Their words were simple yet straight from the heart
and this showed the love they have for each other

Lonely

Human beings have an innate need to belong. This includes being in a union with a significant other and groups such as family, friends, community, work. Happiness also comes as a result of activities carried out alone such as walking and meditation. Then again sometimes being alone can bring on feeling lonely. This may not last long but it is a feeling which is unsettling. Nevertheless, without this feeling we would not socialise, so it has its value even though it is a nuisance.

it was a relatively happy day for me
then out of the blue I felt lonely
so I sat with the feeling for a moment
am I isolating? have I socialised lately?
then I realised that I am faced with a
necessary but unpleasant task to do now
which made me miss having fun with others
so feeling lonely was more manageable than
feeling self pity!
better get on with it I guess and
if I still feel lonely I’ll call someone

Love addiction

How often are we amazed at how we are held hostage by loving someone who does not return that love. Unrequited love is very potent and keeps us hooked. We become unaware that the other person does not feel for us as we feel for them and just because they show interest we interpret that as being what we want it to be. This is called denial and the core issue is love addiction. When we can see it for what it is: purely friendship, then we are able to stay real. But when we make something of it that it is not then the end result is pain. Love addiction is experienced by both the giver and the receiver.The receiver (victim) is the one who hopes that what they want is truly happening. The giver (perpetrator) is blind to the needs of the other and keeps them hopefully dangling. The whole process causes intrigue and is in itself love addiction.

she smiled, joked and had a sexy look
he thought he had found his soulmate
they thought alike but when he tried to
get closer she ran away
when he gave up, she was back
promising more than before but then nothing
he decided that was it, never again!
but she looked at him and he melted
what was he to do with this joy and pain?
she couldn’t understand why he was making
such a big thing out of nothing
she wanted just friendship and
was not ready for anything more
yet she couldn’t stay away!
they call it love addiction

Fathers

Nowadays it seems that fathers are not credited for how important they are. Quite often people minimise how caring fathers are and it’s maintained that males are only interested in their work, mates, sport and sex and that they leave the family things to the women. Yet so many men make wonderful fathers and this is so important for their children.

my father was so reliable
not demonstrative with his affection but
I sensed he loved me by his caring ways
he worked hard to provide for us and
when my mother left he took on
both parenting roles
when he didn’t approve of something I did
he firmly but gently expressed it
when he was pleased his smiling eyes
were my reward
he died forty years ago and still I miss him

father and kids, photo by mario gonzaga, Bage, Brazil, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/473343

Spending addiction

We delight in the thought of going shopping when we want to lift our spirits. Everyone supports this by laughing about it when it’s mentioned. It is healthy fun except when it is a spending addiction. How do we know the difference? It’s a matter of whether the spending is affordable, not excessive, and above all does not create clutter by accumulating too much. Mainly when we feel uncomfortable about the spending and still do it then it needs attention.

she looked depressed and opened up to
how low her finances were and how hard
it is to feed small children as a sole parent
with no support from the father
her job was not paying well and the
expenses were high
there was no time nor money for
socialising and having fun with friends
her only delight was shopping sprees at
St. Vincents de Paul where she spent little
and got things she couldn’t otherwise afford
however her spending addiction was getting out of hand
in therapy she found out that by admitting it
half the problem is solved and she made a plan
to get her spirits lifted a healthier way