A main symptom of addiction is lying. Lying to yourself (denial) and lying to others. ‘The eyes are the windows to the soul’, that’s how the expression goes and it’s real. When addicts lie they believe that others can’t tell that they are not telling the truth. That is why it is important to communicate what we see to an addict instead of being too embarrassed to say that they look stoned, drunk or that they seem to be concealing something. The best way to do that is to say that their eyes are giving the game away and then let go of the outcome. In other words, don’t expect an addict to own up straight off. Instead say what you see and feel, and then be prepared to walk away rather than argue the point.
I was running a halfway house meeting
for men in recovery from drug addiction
one of the guys came late and made a feeble excuse
and his behaviour was suspicious
I felt uncomfortable and so I asked him
what he had used?
he denied it vehemently
addiction is lying
I then repeated my question, unemotionally
and he owned up that he had used codeine
saying that usually he got away with his lies
I then offered to take him to a detox unit
as the house rule stipulated so that
he would be given one more chance
to come back
I had trusted my gut feeling and
he gave up the lie
it’s as simple as that!
I feel lost in this whole drug affair. My only connection to drugs is through my husband. We have been married for almost 9 years. I only knew him a year before we married. I knew he had used drugs (meth) before we met but I didn’t understand or ask or want to know more than that because he wasn’t doing them when we met or any time before the wedding, that I know of. Nowadays, I’m not so sure of anything. I know he has used 3 or 4 times since we’ve been together and only once has he ever came to me first about it. The other times I found out from other people and when I confront him about it he denies it over and over again until he finally confesses what seems to be the truth. At least to the story I have been told. The most recent event I found out about was this past week. He works out of town with a bunch of construction guys. He started off “fine” with just a beer one or two nights, but the next week it’d be a six pack for the week and it just kept growing until this past week. He roomed with a guy who snored like crazy and my husband couldn’t sleep. So one of the guys offered him a drag from his joint. He “didn’t know” it was laced with cocaine. I only found this out after he was home for the weekend and pulled a bad move against a family member. He “jokingly” offered someone a small plastic bag of cocaine to see if they would take the bait. That someone told their parents about the situation and they told me. The someone saw where he put it back after the offer was made and let me know, but when I checked, it wasn’t there. I confronted my husband about the offer he made to the someone and he at first denied it. Then I asked about using drugs and he denied it and like every time I confront him about drugs he puts a wall up and avoids people the rest of the time. I knew, this time, to not let it go. So I called a close friend of ours in to help mediate the situation and hopefully draw out the truth. It didn’t work. He says the bag was just flour and that he dumped it in the sink right after the event happened. He was just “testing” the someone to see if they would cave under peer pressure. I told him to bring me the bag. He did, but it wasn’t what the someone described to me previous and it didn’t have any residue on it like flour would leave. Our friend took him for a drug test. They bought a home test, it came up positive for cocaine. But even then he swore he didn’t use and that the test was faulty. I have sent his urine sample that was used in to be tested by the companies lab. He has told me several times in the past that if drugs are offered to him, he can’t say no. What sucks is every time this happens, it’s always a coworker that offers and he never has to pay. He gets to use without any effort to score. He’s only had this job about 6 weeks. And with him out of town, he has no accountability, no sponsor, no real friends who know his weaknesses to help him. He hasn’t gone to an AA/NA meeting in 9 years and til now hasn’t even considered going. I believe he may also have a prescription addiction for Xanax. He needed them about a year ago, but now he uses them to help relax and go to sleep. He’s also sold them to “friends” a few times when he thinks he needs cash. When I find the cash, he always tells me to not worry about it. He has no qualm about doing illegal activities for cash; for instance: he used to work for a technology company that would discard outdated computers and other components and he and a coworker would pull them out of the trash and sell them to guys the coworker knew; also, he used to install cable for a subcontractor, but on the weekends he had no problem hooking a friend of a friend up with free cable. He hasn’t kept the same job for more than 2 years, sometimes it’s economy’s fault, but more often than not, it’s his fault. We have 3 small children and I have decided enough is enough. All this does is make me angry and stressed and I can’t be the mom I need to be for those kids. So I have told him to move out. We are going to be seperated for at least a year. And when the year is over, if I believe he has changed and have built up relationships and accountability to keep him strong and help him say no, then I will consider staying married to him. If there is no evidence, then there is no hope in keeping the marriage alive. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to decide. He is generally a good man who loves me and his kids, but he is weak in this area. I can’t be with him and know I can’t trust him when he is not right next to me.
@ Treva you cannot fight this on your own. Go to a codependence counselor and attend meetings so you know how to take care of yourself.
To Maria,
My daughter is an OC user, and has been for 5yrs. She is 24yrs old and lies to me all the time. She believes what she is telling me and others and so much of me wants to believe her lies. I want this to stop for her, I want my daughter back. When she is clean, and that has only been for a couple of months, I can see the light and life in her eyes, she is serene and pure. Her Aura is bright. Then comes a darkness, the anger and then all the lying. I feel sometimes as though I am losing it. I begin to doubt myself and my intuition….anything to hold onto hope that I still have my baby girl back. The disappointment in knowing that she has relapsed and the fear of what will happen to her scares me. She steals from me, and her younger sister. I fear her presence in my home, I do not know what she’ll bring into my home and my life with her addiction. I have asked her to leave, and she has, but once she cleans up, I take her back…only to repeat the cycle again.
Her choice to take drugs has impacted so many lives, yet she doesn’t care, the drug is what she cares most about. Because its the drug that she craves, she will do anything to get her hands on it, she will lie, steal, hurt, and put herself in such harms way, not caring about any consequences.
What hurts the most, is not believing anything she says anymore, and not respecting her at all. I love her, but do not respect her, am not proud of her, and wish that this will all end for her…whatever that means. I feel I say and do all the right “Mother” things, but in my heart, I am tired and worn out and wish she would go away. The pain of watching her do this to herself and to the family is so great, that I want it to stop…..
I feel your pain Maria, we have lost our children to drugs…I do not know how to get them back.
P.S. My mom has been so munipulated by them she is now once again in denial and wont see the truth.Me and my father have stood our ground and have offered help but if they dont want it then we have walked away practically,my mother on the other hand was strong for a few days since our family intervention I guess u could say.But once my sisters husband and sister got my mom alone they have now once again brainwashed her into thinking there not using and there angels.I told my mother to please stand strong and do not give in and except this life they live.But she now says you can talk and I will listen but I am not speaking anymore.I cry and explain she is poisoning the situation.She needs to be strong and stay focused so they will get help and live.Not keep using and die.It just seems as though she feels sorry for my sister and just being weak is easier.My sister for years and years has ultimatly known how to cry and deter my mother from doing whats right and to not accept her drug use,so the lying and crying always seems to work with our mom.I am hurt and sad.I just hope my niece and nephew dont loose there parents to an early death and me lose the only sister I have to the Devils Drug!By: Her Sister once more!
P.S. My mom has been so munipulated by them she is now once again in denial and wont see the truth.Me and my father have stood our ground and have offered help but if they dont want it then we have walked away practically,my mother on the other hand was strong for a few days since our family intervention I guess u could say.But once my sisters husband and sister got my mom alone they have now once again brainwashed her into thinking there not using and there angels.I told my mother to please stand strong and do not give in and except this life they live.But she now says you can talk and I will listen but I am not speaking anymore.I cry and explain she is poisoning the situation.She needs to be strong a
My sister & husband are addicte dto perscription medication,but were once heroin users.They have 2 children and use every day but get really drugged up at night.Its so bad that they can barely walk.W n they were on heroin they got there son taken away by CPS,they ended up after a while getting him back.Now 10 years later they are using perscription meds and cant even take care of themselves.They use every excuse in the book as of y they need these pills.From Migraines to carpal tunnel in her hands,to a pulled leg muscle and sciatica nerve pain to it helps them sleep,to it takes my mind away from my depression,to back pain.I have heard it all.I have offered them to go to detox and rehab and I will take care of the kids.They say no way they dont need help its Dr perscribed its legal.In the mean time there killing themselves and abusing the kids by not taking care of them.I have threatened CPS and thn I will get thm till there clean and they say no.They wont get the kids taken away for using prescribed medication.I dont know if that is true yet but will find out.I feel so hopeless.There is so much to this story I could go on forever.They mainly use at night and lock themselves in there house.And during the day not so high that they act normal and say nothings wrong..yet wn I see them at night through there windows they r loaded and also my sisters husband got brought home in a cop car cuz he was so loaded someone thought he was drunk.But they couldnt arrest him because he wasnt driving.The laws here suck and I dont know what to do.All they do is lie and when I catch them high they say ohh but this is our first time we messed up.I am so hurt and stressed I dont know how this is going to end!!!! By: Her Sister….!
MY DAD IS AN SPEED UOSER AND IT IS HARD BECAUSE IT HASE TORN OUR FAMILY APART HE CONSTANTLY IS LIYING ABOUT IT BUT YOU CAN TELL HE IS LITING BECAUSE HE WILL GET RILLY DIFENSIVE ABOUT . 15 yers old
My daughter is addicted to Roxy’s. She denies it and lies about everything. I know she’s lying and tell her so but it is coming to the point where I just would rather not say anything and be disgusted. For some reason I think that if I call her on her lie she will one day own up to it. Hasn’t happened yet. It’s been many years. She is only 21 years old and I’m breaking apart and so is our family. Don’t know what else to do. We’ve put her through rehab, medical detox you name it and she always goes back. I’m at the point where I wish she would get arrested so she will get clean cold turkey and never forget the pain it took to get clean. I’m thinking if she feels that pain she will never use again. Am I nuts? We will also have a much needed break at home and I know she will be safe. Am I the only person that feels this way. I can’t take this pain anymore of seeing my child do this to herself. I know she is slowly killing herself and I feel that jail would be better than the grave.
@Sam: you are in a miserably situation so what are you going to do about it? Just suffering and doubting what your eyes and intuition tell you will only cost you your health and sanity.
my partner is a morphine addict,l love him so much but l feel so lost at times,,l see him stoned over and over till his falling over and remembers nothing,l feel this cant be good for his heart and in the mean time its tearing mine apart to see him like this,his told him his not touched anything for over a month now but again l see that as a lie,,he will swear his not stoned,lie straight to my face,when l can see his off his face,,the doctors should be ashamed to hand out suck a powerful drug to people who they know will abuse them,,this isnt just his addiction now,,this is my whole familys problem,yet no one sees that
I believe my husband is an addict, but he will deny it with such passion. The facts and witnesses expose his lies again and again. He recently told lies about me and my daughters to his family to cover up his lies. Its such an unbelievable tangle of lies. I get so fed up, I threaten divorce. He cowers and cleans up his act for a while, but I know he doesn’t have the personal strength to do it himself and he will not admit the true problem to get the appropriate care. I’m in such a dilemma. I would LOVE to be free from this man, but I look for answers in the bible and I believe it says to work it out. I see a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness with this man. Is that what my path is to stay in a close walk with God?
Thanks John for your comments I wrote a post called “Addiction is a disease” as a result.
Hi,
I am a codeine addict & have been for over 15 years. Its true that you actually believe the lie. I have over this period convinced many doctors of my imaginary migraine beacuse I myself get into the same mindset.
It is also true that most doctors are not too concerned or wary to notice but I have come across some Drs who have seen through my act. Some care & offer assistance but sadly most of them just kick you out & say “not in my practice sonny”.
I totally take responsibility for my actions. I am an addict & though I have tried to get off it it appears I am either too weak or do not want to. I can honestly say I do not know which it is. In anycase Drs that don’t at least offer assistance if they know there is a problem should not be allowed to practice. There is no excuse if you are a medical practioner & does nothing about an obvious illness. It may sound like I am shifting blame but if they are not even trying then how is someone with an obvious issue going to get help.