Compulsion & Recovery – Page 2

13th Step Consequences

I have written about the dangers of getting sexually involved with someone who is early in recovery from addiction and/or any other vulnerable state. This is commonly known in the 12 Step fellowship as 13th Step consequences and needs to be treated as a serious warning, even though the term causes nervous laughter.? Steve’s comment is an example of such a traumatic outcome and here is my response:

Steve, I was sorry to read that you have had such a traumatic experience and that you are now disabled with a muscle disease too. Not all AA members are as thoughtless as the one who hurt you and your partner. There are many AA members who are careful not to get involved in that way and who make good supportive friends for each other and for new members. Perhaps you could both try another meeting if you want the benefit of the program. Then again no one says you must use AA. There is a group known as SMART Recovery and it does not encourage friendships? between its members, as there is no buddy system. It is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and does not use a God perspective.

Lying a symptom of addiction

Louanne wrote in response to my post on addiction is lying how she believes her husband is an addict and lies. When she threatens divorce “he cowers and cleans up his act for a while” but she doesn’t think he has the personal strength to admit the true problem and “get appropriate care”. She goes on to say:

I’m in such a dilemma. I would LOVE to be free from this man, but I look for answers in the bible and I believe it says to work it out. I see a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness with this man. Is that what my path is to stay in a close walk with God?

I don’t believe that working it out and “staying in a close walk with God” means the suffering of the family while a person who is addicted is in denial and does not seek appropriate help. In putting up with this behaviour you are accommodating his denial and lies. Nevertheless, when you and your daughters have had enough pain, in other words reached your ‘rock bottom’ as to what you can cope with, then you will take the steps that are necessary, based on ‘tough love’. Perhaps in the meantime it would help you to attend therapy to help you avoid enabling his addiction. Such help can be gained from an addictions therapist and/or a 12 Step support group of that compulsion such as Al Anon or Naranon or even CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

Difference between addiction or not

I have often been asked the question put to me by Uli Bartels, the photographer for the coffee addiction post, that is, how does one know the difference between addiction or not? The answer is quite simple – when the behaviour is repeated until it becomes problematic and often life-threatening then it is addiction. In other words when a person cannot stop themselves from repeating destructive behaviour then they have become addicted. So it is far better to reduce the behaviour before it becomes harmful and then it is necessary to abstain from usage all together.

Robert told me that he knew he was not addicted
because he could go without drinking for months
I asked him when he does drink what happens and
he pulled a face as he told me that he got high
but although he drank too much
he was a ‘happy drunk’ or so he was told
because he couldn’t always remember things
then the penny dropped as he realised
that he was a problem drinker
that’s the difference between addiction or not!

Perk Me Up, photo by Gomi Lao, Baguio City, Philippines

Coffee addiction

Everyone who loves coffee enjoys the taste and the lift it gives, as well as the social interaction that goes with having coffee with people – friends or business colleagues. It is considered safer than alcohol or other excesses but needless to say coffee addiction is dangerous. How many people do you know who have reached the stage of needing to reduce the number of coffees they have in a day because of doctor’s orders? As I see it if you like coffee, better to drink a safe number of coffees per day than to have to do without it completely, should it get out of hand.

I prefer a cup of tea to a cup of coffee
yet when we are out my first reaction is
to ask if anyone wants to have a coffee?
which surprises me immensely
I realise it is a socialisation outcome
just the thought of going out and
having a cup of coffee over a chat
appeals to me whereas
a cup of tea is something I
have at home or with breakfast out

cup, photo by Uli Bartels, Berlin Germany

People helping people

It is so important to belong to a community of like minded people. It prevents isolation. It provides social activities and above all it gives us support when we need it. Furthermore, providing service to the community is also a healthy activity and can be quite fulfilling. However, it is vital that we avoid gossip and that we practise good people skills otherwise the purpose is defeated. People helping people is a basic necessity for happiness and fulfillment.

sometimes we teach what we need to learn
and Jessie paid attention to the message she gave
to the people who came to her for assistance
so although she was giving service because she
found it rewarding she also was mindful about
what it meant to her wellbeing
and the lesson she got for herself today was that
she was glad to be free of the obsession
that others were still struggling with

Addiction to touching

Laurie commented on my post called Touch to stay alive asking whether it is possible to be addicted to touching, because she feels it may be her compulsion as she was deprived of touch? This compulsion is a symptom of codependence and love addiction which have the underlying characteristics of low self esteem, fear of intimacy and lack of trust, to name a few. In such a case we become addicted to touch and yet attracting more deprivation. Recovery will ease the pain because we learn how to give and receive affection in a healthy manner. Otherwise we attract those who reject us or those who are needy.

I recommend reading Pia Mellody’s books Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction. It is important to understand how in a relationship we can either be a love addict or an avoidant – the “back walking away”. We can switch roles too, which comes with fear of intimacy, low self esteem and lacking in trust. In recovery we learn to think rationally.

Recovery is also possible through belonging to self help groups like CoDA and SLAA, where it extremely invaluable to hear how members have found recover.y. Sometimes therapy is also needed with an experienced, qualified therapist who specialises in codependence and love addiction.

Hands, photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert, Concord, United States,

Freedom from food addiction

In response to my comments on food addiction, Mandy and Tiffany shared about their own struggle and reached out for help. They are not alone and there is hope for freedom from food addiction. A wise person once said to me “some things you cannot do alone – freedom from addiction is one of those things”. So here are some suggestions that may help.

First make a plan for what you want to achieve and make sure it has a healthy outcome.Then look at these options and find more for yourself to choose from.

1. get an addictions therapist to guide you and support you on your journey
2. attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings (based on AA 12 Steps program)
3. attend Smart Recovery meetings (based on CBT & REBT models)
4. look at Carbohydrate Addicts Centre program (see link on my home page)
5. If you live in Sydney – contact me on 02 9214 7529 for an appointment (I am also available via Skype for phone appointments)

she battled with food addiction just as
an alcoholic does with the urge to drink
she remembered the advice of an AA elder
who said “just get your bum on a seat until
the miracle happens”
so she attended meetings of like-minded people
who suffered with the same demons and she shared
about all the negative feelings she had buried until
she became bored with being bored and then
she realised she needed to review her plan and
sure enough she tweaked her recovery until it worked
she had expressed and released her misery and found
the tools to change her way of thinking and feeling
nevertheless the most important thing was to remember
that it was up to her to make the difference
and that she did!

Cookie, photo by Kathryn McCallum

Self love or codependence

An important part of being in recovery from codependence is having a healthy relationship with self. In other words, the choice is self love or codependence. A comment from Maranda on my post about having a relationship with self shows how difficult it is for some to conceptualise this – “Nice theory… How can you start “loving yourself” in real life, I wonder?” Some people can only feel lovable when someone else loves them and then they see themselves through someone else’s eyes. No one can make you feel in a certain way unless you allow yourself to feel that way to begin with. So the ability to feel one way or another comes from within. The same way that you can feel terrible about your self, you can feel confident about yourself and, therefore, feel lovable – that’s self love. To hand over your power about how you feel is codependence or being neurotic.

Loretta came home with her small children and
found his clothes gone!
she managed to get the toddlers bathed, fed and to sleep
then she collapsed as the reality hit her
what happened? how come she didn’t know?
how did he expect them to survive without him?
she got through the night without any sleep
then the next day she was in ‘shell shock’
but the next night, too exhausted to stay awake
she drifted off believing that without him she
would be forever alone raising their children
it never occurred to her that she was lovable
at 25 she thought she would live alone forever!
fortunately, she remembered that she is lovable
and when faced with self love or codependence
she chose to focus on the relationship with self
he came back but in time she just sent him away
because she discovered that she deserved better

It’s only food

How many times have we wondered how a person can be out of control with food, after all it’s only food. Nevertheless so many are afflicted with an eating disorder – either overeating or undereating. It is a life threatening addiction. People who suffer with anorexia lose so much weight that their organs waste away and finally stop working. Those who suffer with bulimia have their insides torn up from the binging and purging. Those who are overeaters stress their organs with the excess weight and are at risk of developing diabetes, or when they already have it then they risk loss of limbs and death. Those who overeat and don’t put on too much weight have raised cholesterol which can reach dangerous levels and they don’t deal with their condition because they don’t believe it is dangerous. Then there is the madness of this addiction where we are preoccupied with food all the time – being driven or compelled to eat in order to satisfy the urge which is insatiable. Only in recovery are we free from that obsession and compulsion, and then we experience the feeling of serenity.

as I sat watching a movie in my lounge room
I enjoyed sipping my cup of tea after dinner
how great it is to be in recovery
free from struggling with my mind being
constantly in my fridge, wondering
what I could eat next and knowing
it wouldn’t be enough – insatiable
that was then and this is now
it feels so great to be satisfied and
enjoying the movie in serenity
at peace at last
after all it’s only food
but what a demon it can be!

This too shall pass

I’ve written about burnout in the last two posts because it is so prevalent in our day and age. Having experienced it myself, I shared with you about how burnout crept up on me and its consequences to my health. Fortunately, I was able to nip it in the bud, nevertheless it had left me not as strong as I am normally. As a food addict in recovery this causes me to think of rewarding myself with trigger foods to give me the energy. However, I reminded myself of the saying this too shall pass. So, I gave myself permission to do everything at 80% level so as to recuperate and not put myself at risk of burnout again. Admittedly, it takes a while to get back to normal.

I was lacking in energy to go to hydrotherapy so
using an NLP (Nurolinguistic Programming) technique
to integrate the different selves
I got in touch with that self in me who
is responsible for this sabotage and found out
that it was a he, and that he wanted more recreation
so I agreed to spend time writing and sketching
which I had not done in at least a year
and was pleased to find as a result
I was eager to go to my next hydrotherapy session