Dr Affie Adagio – Page 29 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Wedding plans

Two lovers making their wedding plans experience not only the high of being in love but also the excitement of organising their special day. It has to be just the way they have envisaged. For these people it was important that their wedding take place as close to the beach as possible. The reception house sat on the golden sands of the beach, partly under the shade of some trees. So the guests came in their finery and yet some wore smart casual, and all fit in nicely. After the ceremony the bridal party had photos taken on the beach. Then went into the function centre where they ate a delicious meal and enjoyed the touching speeches, some filled with humour. This is one way of creating the event you have dreamed about with the celebrant of your choice.

as they made their wedding vows
the weather was perfect
the sun was shining as
the waves crashed onto the sand
seagulls sang and in the distance
faint laughter could be heard
surely this is the best way that
wedding plans can be made
everyone felt the love in the air
of the new husband and wife
and when we think of them
we remember that wonderful day

Food Addiction has triggers too

In all addictions, there are triggers which hook in the compulsion. Food addiction has triggers too. Triggers involve people, places and things which result in the food addict being driven to the very thing that they are trying to abstain from. ‘people‘ refers to those who have dysfunctional behaviour and affect us negatively. ‘places‘ are those which we need to avoid because of the temptation presented. ‘things‘ can be carbohydrates such as flour and sugar, which are poison to the food addict (one is too many, a hundred’s not enough). Then there’s the HALTS – hungry, angry, lonely, tired and serious – the states which are triggers for using feel-goods.

she had come to see me about the insanity
that overeating was causing her and
how she had tried everything!
belonging to a weight loss club
which had worked in the beginning,
special weight loss programs
which involved everything from
juice fasting to food replacement shakes
even nutritionally balanced diets
and yet all these worked temporarily
only to put on more weight than that lost!
we discussed her successful skills in business
and her unhappy experiences in life
she came to understand the meaning of addiction
and that food addiction has triggers too
that was the beginning of her recovery

Procrastination and self doubt

The moment just before we begin a task, which is causing us some anxiety, is when procrastination usually happens. Even if it is a task that we would enjoy once we begin it, there can be a major block. Once we begin, however, we wonder why we had been so bogged down. It’s usually because our expectations and our perceived abilities are in conflict. That is, there is excitement about embarking on the task and in the last minute there is doubt as to how well it can be done. Procrastination and self doubt go hand in hand. The solution is to just begin and it will all fall into place.

I got so annoyed with the block I had
as I was about to begin a project which
I had been looking forward to and
had felt confident in achieving!
then the time came and I froze
could I do it? really do it well?
how will I do it? where to begin?
why had I undertaken the job?
then I remembered that
procrastination and self doubt
go hand in hand
so I sat down and began
and as usual I experienced
such a buzz as the project
got under way!

Red Nightmare, photo by Daniel Diaz, Madrid, Spain,anxiety, deadlines

Wedding fantasy

Have you wondered why people choose a wedding extravaganza for their marriage? There are expensive celebrations and there are beautiful ones on a limited budget. It’s all in the research. Nevertheless, for people in love who embark on a marriage the event, large or small, needs to be a wedding fantasy. Something they will always remember as being a dream.

when they told me the wedding would be
in a lovely garden reception centre
I, too, was so excited because
such a place has a regal appearance
and so dreamlike with the gardens outside
this creates the wedding fantasy that
so many dream of and
fondly remember always
that’s the way it should be
so we planned the ceremony
around this fantasy

Wedding 4, photo by Elvis Santana, Hialeah, United States, romance, wedding vows

Codependence and addiction

Codepedence, sometimes a relief to admit and sometimes people resent the term. It is very simple in definition – when you totally sacrifice your needs for those of another and when you believe that your happiness can only come from outside of you (from people, places, and things) then your are in the clutches of codependence. You can commit yourself to being of service to another person, or a project, which can be worthwhile to everyone concerned. However, in such a case you need to be true to yourself first and then you can be useful in the service you give. Codependence is the undercurrent of addictions.

she sacrificed her talents and happiness
for the sake of her disabled son
saying he needed her love more than
the rest of the family did
as though there was insufficient for all
but in her dedication to caring for her son
she took away his independence and
he could not do anything without her
but this did not bring her happiness
for she often complained about the martyr
she had become and how miserable she was!
jealousy of her daughter’s achievements and
her own severe codependence caused
irreparable harm and loneliness to her

Unresolved grief issues

“I am wondering how much the loss of a parent contributes to a new, hopeful, but tentative relationship becoming dysfunctional and morphing into a love addiction.”

Letitia made this comment when I wrote about the loss of a parent and my response is that awareness is 50% of the solution to a problem. So if we are aware of our unresolved grief issues then we can avoid letting them contaminate our relationships and turning them into dysfunctionality and/or love addiction. With unresolved grief issues it is difficult to avoid loving someone who subconsciously reminds us of our parents, whether it’s a loving parent or a punishing parent. This is, mainly because we search to find either a replacement for the loving parent whom we miss, or the punishing parent whose approval we seek. That is why grief counselling is vital, so that we stand a better chance of developing healthy loving relationships.

Remove the stress

Serenity and peace of mind are easier to maintain if the stress in our lives is kept to a minimum. That is, negative and positive stress. Both forms of stress put pressure on our system and we reach out for, or do, things that helps us to cope better. Often the things we use are not healthy for us. Then we make excuses as we are faced with the consequences of our actions. This could be putting on weight from overeating or being fatigued from working too many hours, being sick from too much drinking or smoking. The list goes on. Our first step should be to remove the stress then we can deal with the excesses much easier.

retirement had promised to be a relaxing time
and she’d looked forward to doing the fun things
she had promised herself for such a long time
but somehow she became so very busy
how did that happen she wondered because
her healthy food plan had faded away?
her coping method had been comfort eating
and promising herself that soon she would stop
then she realised that she needed to
get down to basics and
remove the stress from her life before
everything else could fall into place

Getting Married

Some people prefer not to marry but just live together. Their reasoning is that they think marriage is just a bit of paper which creates a feeling of being in prison. Others feel that when they have reached a state of intimacy that is fulfilling and exciting, then getting married is the cherry on top. The planning of the event symbolises their loving future together and is a happy ritual.

the couple came to me to plan their special event
they were getting married and wanted the ceremony
to take place in a secluded spot on the river
as it turned out they found a unique cave which
was tucked in the side of the mountain
and we stepped off their boat and
to the music of a friend’s guitar
the ceremony took place and it was
very romantic and memorable

Addiction and relationships

When people first come into recovery from an addiction they are encouraged to focus on themselves and if in detox avoid contact with family or getting into new relationships. Once they develop the relationship with self and are comfortable living without their drug (or process) of choice they are in a better position to develop healthy relationships. Addiction and relationships cause major dysfunctionality. An ‘addictive process’ can represent one or more addictions to gambling, eating/undereating, working, being busy, spending, sex, love, relationships, avoidance of intimacy, and isolation (hermits) and no doubt more. ‘Drug’ means alcohol, narcotics, nicotine, tobacco, pot, prescribed pills, recreational pills such as ecstasy, ice and so on.

she had been to hell and back addicted to prescription medication
he had dabbled with pot and was a heavy drinker
he experienced blackouts too but thought it was OK
both smoked cigarettes cause it seemed cool
as their life spiralled downhill they realised it was unmanageable
unpaid bills, no work, no money, avoiding debt collectors, and
worst of all accidents with their cars, injuries, plus illness
jealousy and fights topped it all off – pure codependence
that’s unmanageability!
so they cleaned up their act with the help of a professional
who knew about this kind of craziness
that’s what addiction and relationships are about
major dysfunctionality and unmanageablity
then in recovery they planned their future
being happy and free of the demons that had plagued them
serenity and peace of mind at last brought about
emotional and financial security

Developing friendships

Some of us find it easy to reach out to others and some of us don’t. All it takes is for one person to reach out a few times and the other will reciprocate eventually. That’s the process of developing friendships. From then on the friendship becomes stronger and, despite natural moments of conflict, it becomes a lifelong relationship.

when I looked back on my closest friendships
to find out how they became that way
I discovered that I am somewhat slack in
contacting people I like because I am not
that keen on telephoning people although
I am eager to meet them once they phone me
nevertheless, once we become friends I reciprocate
the telephoning because I appreciate the effort they
have put into contacting me so I make the effort back
that’s been the birth of developing friendships with
some of my dearest friends