Tag: Family-Therapy-&-Relationships

Some of us are in relationships – some fulfilling, others distressing. On the other hand some of us are living alone – some having a fulfilling life, others overcome by loneliness. Nevertheless living alone can be peaceful because we are responsible for our own needs and maybe that of plants and pets. This means quite often that we do what we want when we want and how we want. That sounds pretty good apart from those few moments when loneliness reminds us of our need to live with another.

I thank my stars that I only have to worry about me
and my fish and cat and two plants
my grandkids bring me joy too, when we see each other!
Every day I do what I want when I want
trying to be healthy in my choices
at times my friends and I are drawn to watching what I call
humorous, romantic, codependent drivel!
and that is fun but I do miss living with another person
in a loving relationship, that is
nevertheless living alone is my choice for now
and until I’m ready to take that other step again
I’m enjoying the benefits of being a free agent!

Even the most able of us need to have someone as a sounding board – a mentor. Therapists are crucial and have their place in our lives too. Mentors are those people who will listen and share their knowledge and skills with us. Nevertheless we find strength in making a commitment about our own plans, in their presence, – a contract we make for our own improvement which they witness. It seems more binding that way.

How many times have I promised myself to follow a plan
for my own wellbeing and for improving some aspect of my life
some of these life strategies work smoothly and the outcome is
gratifying!
Now and then however, I come across an obstacle
then I discuss it with a mentor and it seems
easier to commit to
it’s all about accountability

It can be easy to blame others for unappealing behaviour because it then makes us feel not so dysfunctional as they seem. It is more important to realise that with one finger pointing, three point back. In other words how much of the unappealing behaviour is that which we reject in ourselves and find it easier to see in others?

Whenever I am tempted to criticise someone else
I remember what a wise person once told me –
with one finger pointing, three point back
so I first assess how accurate my comments are
and whether it is because I see in the other person
that behaviour which I try so hard to avoid in me
and perhaps am failing to achieve at the moment
then if that is not the case I check what other
negative feelings this process is camouflaging
for example, is it that I feel envious or
suffering from self pity?
usually this makes the situation clearer for me
and I can choose my words more carefully and caringly
should there still be a need for me to say anything at all
for that matter!

Life has its ups and downs and we manage this to the best of our ability – sometimes successfully and sometimes not so. Whichever the outcome, it is important to remember that children can be the mirror of their parents’ behaviour and therefore not be too surprised when their behaviour is somewhat dysfunctional. Instead we need to lovingly redirect them to use more effective methods of relating and especially role model this whenever possible.

As I watched my children’s unpleasant behaviour
I was shocked at these changes forgetting that we had all
recently experienced some hard times in our family
but now that things were settling down the time had come for
the consequences of our friction to show in our children
for children can be the mirror of their parents’ behaviour!
that awareness helped me to relax and then approach the
whole situation more sensibly, gently guiding
them to improved behaviour
it’s odd how it is easier to see
another’s inappropriate behaviour
than to notice our own