stress – Page 2 – Dr Affie Adagio

Sex and love addiction

So many people nowadays suffer with sex and love addiction and yet are in denial about it. They are seen as rogues and the behaviour is condoned. Or it seems easier for people to believe that a person is worthless because they lose control of their desires for sex and love. Whereas if there was more understanding that this behaviour is a disorder or disease which can be treated, then it could be corrected. It is described simply by the need to have sex and love in order to get a thrill, only to feel guilty afterwards because the consequences are bleak and people are hurt. At times it is life-threatening when those involved are careless too.

he said that he couldn’t understand
what happened and that he took such a chance
he had not intended to have a one night stand
and yet he felt driven and what’s more
he didn’t use a condom
now he was stressed as he may have
signed his own death warrant
this was not the first time this had happened
and yet he is a good looking, successful guy
any number of women are attracted to him
something had to be done and right away
he agreed he couldn’t do it alone and needed help
he’d been to have his Aids test and
now he made a commitment to go to
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which
he had resisted for so long
when I saw him next he seemed
more serene and spoke about how
surprised he was at meeting people
he respected and some who had
been through the same thing as he had
but were free of the madness
and now he felt there was hope for him
I saw him again one year later and he
was in recovery and grateful for his health
emotional physical and spiritual

[SLAA Sydney telephone: 9358 6605]

The clown in addiction

In life we need fun and laughter to stay healthy. When it is missing then we turn to substances and or processes that lift our spirits. Unfortunately, using such means results in repetitive behaviour which is not fulfilling because eventually whatever we do isn’t enough. The clown in addiction can be a cover up for immense unhappiness and low self esteem. In other circumstances, the clown is a fun performance for the audience to enjoy.

as she spoke to me about the sadness and abuse
she had experienced all her life up till now
she chuckled often at the most traumatic recollections
as a therapist I was obliged to give her feedback on this
pointing out that incongruous behaviour was not unusual
in codependence and addictions
she quickly understood the message about
the clown in addiction
and this insight, although it hurt a little
no pain no gain they say
helped her to be more authentic about
her feelings and therefore closer
to resolving the turmoil inside
serenity at last

Addiction is lying

A main symptom of addiction is lying. Lying to yourself (denial) and lying to others. ‘The eyes are the windows to the soul’, that’s how the expression goes and it’s real. When addicts lie they believe that others can’t tell that they are not telling the truth. That is why it is important to communicate what we see to an addict instead of being too embarrassed to say that they look stoned, drunk or that they seem to be concealing something. The best way to do that is to say that their eyes are giving the game away and then let go of the outcome. In other words, don’t expect an addict to own up straight off. Instead say what you see and feel, and then be prepared to walk away rather than argue the point.

I was running a halfway house meeting
for men in recovery from drug addiction
one of the guys came late and made a feeble excuse
and his behaviour was suspicious
I felt uncomfortable and so I asked him
what he had used?
he denied it vehemently
addiction is lying
I then repeated my question, unemotionally
and he owned up that he had used codeine
saying that usually he got away with his lies
I then offered to take him to a detox unit
as the house rule stipulated so that
he would be given one more chance
to come back
I had trusted my gut feeling and
he gave up the lie
it’s as simple as that!

Motivation and recovery

It doesn’t matter whether we search for recovery from addiction or any other form of emotional or mental ill health, motivation and recovery go hand in hand. Good intentions are not sufficient. How many times have we heard the afflicted person being accused of not wanting recovery otherwise they could have it. In response the addict desperately claims that they do want recovery. Motivation is vital to recovery. Usually reaching rock-bottom motivates the afflicted person to commit to recovery. They say ‘no pain no gain’. But it would certainly be great for motivation to be accessed without the pain of rock-bottom.

Getting free of the grip of addiction is like learning anything new. Practise makes perfect and then the most difficult becomes easy – it’s the same as learning to ride a bike or learning to play an instrument. Repetitive positive behaviour (recovery) replaces the repetitive negative behaviour (addiction). There is a big difference between negative addiction and positive addiction (recovery). Although one needs to be always on guard that the positive addiction does not become negative addiction. The way to avoid that is by knowing that negative addiction makes life unmanageable whereas positive addiction is the serenity in recovery.

he came to me, a sorry sight
having been in detox 27 times
coming out each time with
the promise of recovery and
freedom from the clutches of addiction
yet after a short period he busted
on alcohol and narcotics
I feared that death would find him
before recovery did
and deep down inside he felt the same
but as advised by those who know better
motivation and recovery would come when
he attended 12 Step meetings even though
there was great resistance from within
“get your bum on a seat” they said
and he did until eventually it worked
and sobriety and clean time became
his positive addiction
serenity and freedom at last
what bliss?!

Attitude – Choose our words carefully

Stress exists in everyone’s life. However, the best way to deal with it is to relax as we interact with others and make sure that we communicate our needs clearly. In other words choose our words carefully to get the right attitude. This is of benefit, ultimately, to all parties.

the child was in trouble with his mother and
she composed herself and explained to him
the reason that his behaviour was dangerous
he became annoyed as young children do
nevertheless she persisted and then asked him
if he understood why he was in trouble
he admitted he did but still had a sulk
she then asked him to change his attitude and put a smile
on his face to show that he understood, and he did
when we choose our words carefully the outcome
is productive and rewarding