September 2007 – Dr Affie Adagio

Lying a symptom of addiction

Louanne wrote in response to my post on addiction is lying how she believes her husband is an addict and lies. When she threatens divorce “he cowers and cleans up his act for a while” but she doesn’t think he has the personal strength to admit the true problem and “get appropriate care”. She goes on to say:

I’m in such a dilemma. I would LOVE to be free from this man, but I look for answers in the bible and I believe it says to work it out. I see a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness with this man. Is that what my path is to stay in a close walk with God?

I don’t believe that working it out and “staying in a close walk with God” means the suffering of the family while a person who is addicted is in denial and does not seek appropriate help. In putting up with this behaviour you are accommodating his denial and lies. Nevertheless, when you and your daughters have had enough pain, in other words reached your ‘rock bottom’ as to what you can cope with, then you will take the steps that are necessary, based on ‘tough love’. Perhaps in the meantime it would help you to attend therapy to help you avoid enabling his addiction. Such help can be gained from an addictions therapist and/or a 12 Step support group of that compulsion such as Al Anon or Naranon or even CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

Wedding to remember

I have often said that when a couple gets married that event needs to be a wedding to remember because it becomes a part of a lifetime memory. It doesn’t have to be a big wedding if the couple doesn’t want it to be and neither does it have to be expensive. Nevertheless there are circumstances where it is so moving to make it as traditional as possible. Here I give and example of how a wedding can be made just that.

Joe contacted me from overseas and
asked me to conduct his wedding
so after the formal arrangements
they also wanted to hire a gown and suit
and to have a photographer present
as well as a bouquet of flowers
for the bride
they were going to be here for a few days
then off to a fun honeymoon and back home
where they would have a reception
they came from a country where legal weddings
are not possible for various reasons
and in this way they will have the wedding and
the celebration making it a
wedding to remember their whole life

Wedding rings, photo by Dhiego Andrade, Pirapora, Brazil

Difference between addiction or not

I have often been asked the question put to me by Uli Bartels, the photographer for the coffee addiction post, that is, how does one know the difference between addiction or not? The answer is quite simple – when the behaviour is repeated until it becomes problematic and often life-threatening then it is addiction. In other words when a person cannot stop themselves from repeating destructive behaviour then they have become addicted. So it is far better to reduce the behaviour before it becomes harmful and then it is necessary to abstain from usage all together.

Robert told me that he knew he was not addicted
because he could go without drinking for months
I asked him when he does drink what happens and
he pulled a face as he told me that he got high
but although he drank too much
he was a ‘happy drunk’ or so he was told
because he couldn’t always remember things
then the penny dropped as he realised
that he was a problem drinker
that’s the difference between addiction or not!

Perk Me Up, photo by Gomi Lao, Baguio City, Philippines

Making amends

Friendships can be lifelong, providing the parties involved eliminate the resentments which can occur naturally. It is well known that ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ and moods become problematic between close relationships even friends. When a resentment festers it is easily settled by making amends. In this way the relationship is made the priority and restored. Otherwise grudges develop and power games are fostered with sad endings.

it was fascinating that although Geoff was
such a difficult person to get on with
he had such longlasting friendships
years and years with the same friends
this was a skill, indeed!
when examined closely, it became apparent
that he had the ability of making amends
and much easier than most people
therefore any disagreements were
easily swept away and the
friendship made longlasting

Time heals all wounds, photo by Tim Ambler, Chattanooga, USA

Happiness

There is no use blaming others for our misery because happiness is in our own power. In other words whether we are happy or not depends entirely on our own decisions and perceptions. Other people can try to make us happy or unhappy but we allow them to impact us in whichever way. So make a plan to bring happiness into your life and live fully and blissfully.

Ellen is in her 80s and was an exceptionally
beautiful and talented women in her youth
but most of her life she has been miserable
when asked why this is so she replies that
happiness has eluded her and
misfortune has left its mark on her!
she cannot see that it has been this belief
that has caused her to miss any opportunities
at having happiness and fulfillment and
to this day still blames everyone and everything
for missing out on life’s joys
what a waste of talent and beauty?!

Sweet, photo by jesusroxs, United States