Affie Adagio – Page 33 – Dr Affie Adagio

Otherwise occupied

It is far better to let go of hurt created by someone else rather than to take it personally because we do not know what is going on for them, and it may not be as it appears. Confident people just go on after such an experience whereas those who are not will be doing “head miles” about it. That can only contaminate our thinking and in turn our lives. We are better off to be otherwise occupied.

I must say I was disappointed by your response
to my suggestion that we meet
it was a surprise but then again
maybe you were not alone or
maybe you thought there was more to it
than there actually was
nevertheless, I am now
otherwise occupied

photo by Arjun Chennu India http://arjmage.blogspot.com/

Emotional and physical burnout

When life experiences create unavoidable traumas we underestimate the impact on our health and behaviour. We have emotional and physical burnout which is a feeling of despondency and fatigue affecting our motivation.

Some of us turn to self medication through substances or process such as food, drugs, sex, gambling, over working, or becoming busy with chaotic unmanageability. Others withdraw and resort to sleeping too much or isolating. Some suffer untreated depression or other illnesses leading to suicidal thoughts.

All of these problems can be resolved. Primarily we need to rest and recuperate without feeling guilty whilst nature takes its healing course. This can be achieved through relaxation created by meditation, yoga, walking, swimming, meeting with friends and giving ourselves the time to recover.

Then we need to be medically checked, perhaps attend counselling, improving our nutrition and even taking supplements (vitamins). Furthermore and importantly we need to make ourselves reach out to friendly people and be transparent about our struggle. We can gain support in doing that just as we can give it to others later on.

It is vital to remember through the worst time that things will improve in time and before long we will find the motivation to succeed again.

As I sat in the dark tunnel as a result of a disaster
I wondered if the light at the end was an oncoming train or
the thrill of sunshine and happier days
now when I look back on that emotional and physical burnout
I chuckle to myself for letting it appear so hopeless

Sam’s loss

Sam commented on the loss of a love

The feeling of an immense loss is so hard to deal with. To be told that after 17 years that now nothing is left is shattering. No clue no hint it just is. Two children whose world has been ripped from under their feet. Security and protection is gone. How do I pull myself up from the biggest low I have felt in my life? Waiting for him to come back and say its alright I made a mistake. I want to feel anger, it would be easier to hate him, still loving him makes it so hard. I hate what he has done but I can’t hate him.

When Sam wrote about the betrayal she felt from the loss of her love of 17 years and how it affected the children too, my heart went out to her. We have all experienced betrayal – some of us not expecting it and others finding it the end of much misery. Nevertheless, we dream of the possibility of the offender returning and making a soulful remorseful apology. Unfortunately, waiting for the offender to come back and make us feel worthy is an unrealistic expectation because even if they do just that our worthiness needs to come from within not from them. Sam was wise to separate him from his behaviour and although she hated what he did, she did not hate him. In that way her self esteem is enhanced and she will have a faster recovery from her emotional trauma because it is not dependent on him.

When you came back and told me that
you had realised how much you loved me
and that you could not live without me
I was elated and believed you!
but although I forgave your indiscretion
I could not forget the trauma!
most importantly I found out that
I needed to believe in myself before
I could believe you!

Being busy can be a defence

When we feel troubled about certain life situations we find ourselves doing more and more. Being busy can be a defence preventing us from facing what is troubling us. Better to deal with the issue so as to avoid emotional burnout from becoming too busy.

When I lost my bunch of keys I worried but
over time I accumulated a fresh batch
the same goes for having a
sensible program of activities – I get
busier and busier then I know that
something is going on for me that is
causing me concern because being
busy can be a defence!

April Life Strategies Workshop

I’ve listed the times for my next Life Strategies Workshop.
This workshop is for people who’ve already done some personal development work before so if this is your first ever workshop please call me to discuss your options.
The date for the next Life Strategies Workshop is

30 April 2006 1pm – 5pm
YWCA Sydney
$100 per person includes a delicious afternoon tea

Bookings essential. Call Affie (02) 9214 7429

Join an experienced group who have done personal development work before
Take the focus off others and put it on yourself
Overcome obstacles and blocks to your goals and dreams

Manipulation – a dysfunctional behaviour

At some time or other we have all been the target of manipulation – a dysfunctional behaviour. It appears as emotional blackmail; an attempt to rescue us from making our own mistakes; foisting a guilt trip on us in an attempt to control us and many other examples. Unfortunately, we also are subject to doing the same so as to influence others to do what we want them to do. That is human behaviour, nevertheless, we can free ourselves of it because it can contaminate our own wellbeing.

How tempting it is to use tricks to get you to
do what I think is good for you, and me!
But I have learnt the hard way when it was done to me
and I dislike it so much, not to mention how obvious it was!
Manipulation – a dysfunctional behaviour which is
like a tumour in my psyche, whether I do it to you or
you do it to me – it still has the same outcome!

Living alone – a free agent

Some of us are in relationships – some fulfilling, others distressing. On the other hand some of us are living alone – some having a fulfilling life, others overcome by loneliness. Nevertheless living alone can be peaceful because we are responsible for our own needs and maybe that of plants and pets. This means quite often that we do what we want when we want and how we want. That sounds pretty good apart from those few moments when loneliness reminds us of our need to live with another.

I thank my stars that I only have to worry about me
and my fish and cat and two plants
my grandkids bring me joy too, when we see each other!
Every day I do what I want when I want
trying to be healthy in my choices
at times my friends and I are drawn to watching what I call
humorous, romantic, codependent drivel!
and that is fun but I do miss living with another person
in a loving relationship, that is
nevertheless living alone is my choice for now
and until I’m ready to take that other step again
I’m enjoying the benefits of being a free agent!

Mentor

Even the most able of us need to have someone as a sounding board – a mentor. Therapists are crucial and have their place in our lives too. Mentors are those people who will listen and share their knowledge and skills with us. Nevertheless we find strength in making a commitment about our own plans, in their presence, – a contract we make for our own improvement which they witness. It seems more binding that way.

How many times have I promised myself to follow a plan
for my own wellbeing and for improving some aspect of my life
some of these life strategies work smoothly and the outcome is
gratifying!
Now and then however, I come across an obstacle
then I discuss it with a mentor and it seems
easier to commit to
it’s all about accountability

13th Step â€“ Don’t Screw Anyone Crazier Than You

It is not helpful to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who needs our assistance to recover from any illness or needs to improve their skills. In other words, whether we are their counsellor or their sponsor or their coach, as we are in that moment a guide and they are reaching out for help from us. So we should not become intimate with them then as they are more vulnerable than us and need to be protected.

A panel of professionals shared their
experience, strength and hope
leaving us in awe of their knowledge about the
12 Step Program which nowadays contributes to the
Twelve Step Facilitation method of recovery
and as a professional in that field I asked one of
those experts to inform us
on the 13th Step as I knew it was helpful information but
not officially acknowledged as such!
His answer was well put and cool
“simple, don’t screw anyone crazier than you!”
this acknowledged that we all have our own craziness
but when we are assisting others we must take care not
to take advantage of their vulnerability!

Busy

Being busy can be another way of running away from our inner turmoil. In this way we do not face what is troubling us, hoping it will go away if we don’t focus on it. Of course that is not the case. The turmoil only becomes trauma and harder to resolve when we don’t identify its existence and make an attempt to transform the conflict into peaceful outcomes. Awareness of the problem is 50% of the solution and education is the other 50% – the ‘what’ and ‘how’ to change it.

I was so stressed from the activities
I had committed myself for
it appeared as those there were not enough
hours in the day
I know this feeling, I’ve been there before
too busy to even relax and catch my breath
what am I trying to avoid?
what am I in denial about?
today is my birthday and life seems to be
flying by me!
now that makes sense and I need not stress
just need to have more fun