Affie Adagio – Page 9 – Dr Affie Adagio

Happy New Year

I wish you all a Happy New Year with happiness and love in your lives.? The festivities found me recuperating from a shoulder injury, as you know,? but now I am feeling more agile. My mind has turned to new year resolutions that we often make, some do-able and some unrealistic. Far better to set realistic goals so as to have a better chance of achieving them and less chance of failure with the outcome of guilt.

I am fascinated at the passion with which
we make new year resolutions
as though with the new year comes
a magic drive to achieve the unachievable
of the past year!
then after a few days we find ourselves
slipping back to old unacceptable behaviours
bummer! we blame the gods
better to not become intoxicated by the
passion of the promise of the new year
and rationally make a plan to get things done
things which we believe are best for us
and are more likely to succeed with

Recovery from injury

When we are injured physically or emotionally (burnout) the recovery process takes some time and we need to give ourselves permission to veg out and rest in order to heal. Sitting around doing nothing can cause us guilt but the recovery from injury takes time. We need to follow doctor’s orders and not push ourselves to do things that might throw us backwards. Patience is important and logic helps us to be patient till we are again well enough.

as I mentioned before I became injured
resulting in a dislocated shoulder
I took it easy with my arm in a sling
but I miscalculated the recovery time from injury
thinking that after few days I’d be able to be over the pain
it is now 5 weeks since the event and although
I have vegged out and rested and all that
I am still not altogether well and am still in pain
how wrong could I be?
nevertheless I am prepared to rest some more

Arm in sling, photo by Jacque Stengel, United States, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/618476

power imbalance

When two people enter into a relationship it quite often happens that they slip into roles as though they are on opposite ends of a ‘see saw’ and this causes a perceived power imbalance where one feels overpowered by the other. The dominant partner increases their ability to be outspoken and the passive partner becomes even more quiet. But it can be an illusion because the partner who appears dominant is behaving that way because they feel unheard and the one who appears passive actually controls the relationship through passive aggression – both contribute to the disintegration of the relationship. It is vital that the couple stops the aggressive dance and looks at the whole situation with a willingness to talk through and to resolve the issue at hand, rather than trying to win the battle.

they love each other dearly yet
when they came to me for therapy
there was so much hate in their eyes!
at first each accused the other of being
cruel and not caring of the other
then they progressed to being curious
as to how they could possibly resolve this problem
finally they set some goals which seemed promising
and their demeanour towards each other was
much warmer as they left and prepared for the festivities

Talk 1, photo by Dora Pete, Nagytarcsa, Hungary, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/801380, loving dialogue

when life intervenes

I have not written regular posts recently because I have been preoccupied with other priorities and because, more recently, I dislocated my shoulder. When life intervenes we reorganise our priorities to cope with the obstacles and eventually we learn to ‘go with the flow’ until everything is sorted out once more. As I live on my own, I had often wondered how I would manage should something serious happen to me. Well last week I found out. I tripped and felt the horrendous pain as my shoulder became dislocated. As I sat on the floor moaning and groaning holding onto my injured shoulder I manage to reach my mobile and call 000, twenty minutes after which I was picked up by an ambulance and taken to St Vincents Hospital Emergency. I was Xrayed and under anaesthetic they took care of the injury. My arm is in a sling and I am on the mend. The point I am making is that when life intervenes we can manage to ‘dust ourselves off and start all over again’.

Eating disorders

Rachel commented on my post on addiction and anorexia saying that she hoped I could help her. When it comes to eating out she tries to order a meal that will be easier for her to finish instead of one that she really wants and feels nervous throughout. Rachel claims she is so preoccupied with this thinking that she doesn’t finish the meal. As she is planning to travel, this problem is preventing her from going.

My response to Rachel is that as I do not know enough about her condition I cannot accurately assess her problem, however, I am willing to hazard a guess. Rachel, what you describe sounds to me that your are obsessing over your problem and that is usually the basis of an eating disorder. I have had clients who have benefited from a few sessions with me. There are also stories which can help you that are shared at OA, which is for all eating disorders not just overeating. So Rachel get professional help to guide you through this difficult condition and attend some OA meetings for support from others who have experienced what you have and found the solution.

Stone sorrow, photo by constantin jurcut, Hungary, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/888751

Wild look

An identifying characteristic of someone who is using drugs excessively can sometimes be that no matter how attractive they are they have a wild look. A look that threatens any notion of the personal safety of those around, even though it may not be intentional. That look appears to see through people and lacks intimacy. It creates a feeling that the afflicted person is possibly out to take whatever they can and we need to protect ourselves and our possessions. Yet the person in question thinks that no one can tell that they have be using drugs. Therefore, it is important to challenge the behaviour safely and tell them what we see, instead of pretending it is not obvious.

Patrick came to pick up Judy to go to their friend’s dinner party
as she opened the door she noticed a difference in him – a wild look
so she asked him to come in and as respectfully as she could
told him that he appeared strange and that was putting it mildly!
he excused the look by saying he had a disagreement with his boss
Judy trusted her gut feelings and stood her ground saying that she
was not comfortable with going out when he looked like that
of course he stormed off cranky but he knew that
his appearance was not as invisible as he’d thought
which was the first step towards changing his behaviour

Adult children

Parents have the responsibility to provide a safe and nurturing environment for their children. Being a role model for a loving relationship is both satisfying for the parents and rewarding for the children because it helps them all live a functional, healthy lifestyle. When children become adults it is important that parents learn how to let go and let their adult children get on with their lives. Parents can trust that their childrearing practices were beneficial and that their adult children will make the appropriate choices in life. Sometimes this parenting stage can be the most difficult part of all, because we need to observe and not interfere or make comments no matter how useful we think they may be. At such times our contributions can be perceived as criticisms or disapproval. What makes it difficult is that we need to then change the parenting role from one that’s based on responsibility and guidance to one based on validation and support.

Simone was concerned about her son who
was out of work and his marriage was suffering
she could not help herself and at the first opportunity
lost her cool and criticised Joseph in an attempt to
snap him out of his lethargy, or so she thought!
but her daughter-in-law, Sue, defended him
and what was intended to be a rescue mission
by a caring mother, then turned out to be a disaster
Joseph felt incompetent,
Sue became protective of her husband and
Simone was demoralised
it would have been more useful if Simone
kept her supportive parent role until
Joseph found himself again with the
support of his wife

Teaching respect

Children can get bored easily unless there are games to occupy them or they have the full attention of those they are with. However, it is important that they learn how to participate politely so that they get the attention of everyone instead of monopolising the attention of one person, usually a parent. In this way teaching respect helps them to learn how to entertain themselves. It’s a socialisation skill they need to learn as early as possible.

usually when her mother becomes involved
in a conversation with a friend? then
6 year old Angela would whisper in her ear
it was her first attempt at holding her mother’s attention
but Julie knew the dance well and she would
look at Angela in her eyes and remind her
that if she had something important to say she
would need to say excuse me and wait
otherwise she could do something else until
her mother was free to talk to her
I could see that Julie’s parenting skills
were teaching respect and in the long run
would help Angela develop good life strategies
instead of demanding that others make her happy

13th Step Syndrome

In March 11 2006 I wrote about avoiding the 13th Step which means “screwing someone crazier than you” – a term clarified by Dr. Stephen Jurd (a leading addiction psychiatrist). There have been more comments on this post than any other post I have written. The more recent comment on 12/10/07 by the author of Damn That Ojeda! website is worth mentioning here because of the enthusiasm with which the message is being relayed, and in order to correct the interpretation of my qualifications. The author refers to Coulter, ‘a right winged journalist’, intending to promote her book whilst appearing on a Carlson program which should discourage similar types from being edified because they are described as having…

spewed out such horrendous slanderous nonsense for no other reason than to let them promote more of their hate [which] will be diagnosed by me as having Dr. Affie Adagio Syndrome.

Allow me to explain.

Dr. Adagio herself does not have this condition. She’s a physician consulting chemically addicted clients and helping them go through the 12 steps of recovery. A noble and worthwhile cause indeed.

But in her treatments and counseling, she’s added one more step:

The 13th Step: Don’t Screw Anyone Crazier Than You

This, I would argue, is the problem with Carlson, et al. They allow themselves to electronically bed with Crazy Coulter for no justifiable reason. If she’s such a callous moron with nothing noteworthy to say before she goes on your show, why would you think your own program will be any different?

As the good doctor explains:

“It is not helpful to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who needs our assistance to recover from any illness or needs to improve their skills.”

Affie’s response: The author of Damn That Ojeda! has, indeed, the correct interpretation of the use of the term 13th Step which I also intended for people outside the 12 Step recovery program. This is because I believe it is a symbolic term of that extra step in any program which trains professionals to provide a service to others and therefore be responsible for not abusing the privilege.

One important correction that needs to be highlighted is that I am a qualified Family Therapist/Life Coach specialising in compulsion and recovery (addictions), a Doctor of Philosophy not a Medical Doctor or Physician. My PhD research was in Compulsion and Recovery and as a result I believe in a diversity of approaches – a synthesis or a balanced approach to recovery.

Couple kissing, photo by Margarit Ralev http://ralev.com/

Rose Garden Pavilion for Weddings

One of the loveliest venues in Sydney is the Rose Garden Pavilion for weddings. The position is opposite 139 Macquarie Street through the Palace Gate. The Pavilion has a slate floor and benches all around so it is ideal for rain or shine. Guests can sit inside or out. Self catering is permitted by the Royal Botanic Gardens and parking can be at meters inside or outside the Gardens or in parking stations nearby. It is possible to dance in the Pavilion too. Even if the roses are not in bloom the immaculate gardens with the white lion statues guarding the Pavilion create a magic environment. There is a hire fee for the Pavilion and the nearby toilet but the cost is well worth it. This is how the Royal Botanic Gardens website describes the venue:

Consisting of six design elements the Sydney Rose Garden has a romantic pavilion with views over three huge beds dispaying traditional and contemporary roses. The rose beds complement a fig tree on a central lawn.