Relationships – Page 8 – Dr Affie Adagio

Don’t give up on love

Love is our own emotion to do with as we please. We feel it for someone or we stop feeling that way. It is good when we love someone and it is painful when they stop loving us but they don’t take away the ability for us to love. It just causes us to withdraw for a while to heal our love wounds. Don’t give up on love when that happens because in time love blooms again and a powerful lesson is learnt too.

he loved her more than life itself
and would do anything for her to be happy
nevertheless it was not enough and she
left him stranded with the kids, toddlers at that!
then she returned only to leave again
this time with another in the middle of the night
she took one child and left the other
he was a good father as a sole parent
but he used to say “one life, one love”
and I would say “don’t give up on love”
one day he fell in love again
and how great it was to see his happiness

Friendship

Friendship is one of Life’s most valuable experiences. Whether it’s between friends or lovers, friendship is the basis of being soulmates and finding happiness. We enjoy being with our friends. They are there for us when we need them and we, in turn, try to do likewise. Furthermore, a loving relationship based on friendship has a better chance of being fulfilling and lasting.

I sat in a meeting and he shared that he knew
many people but did not have close friends
I was stunned at how profound that was
because it applied to me also
so I made a decision to leave myself open to
strengthening friendships with peers and
as the year passed I had a handful of
close friends – soulmates
friendship is so important to
having happiness in my Life

how

A dysfunctional relationship is a tragedy

Living in a relationship that is unhappy can lead to sickness. Some people sacrifice themselves for the sake of appearances and their children. They think that it is better to stay in the relationship than to break up a family. However, what they don’t realise is that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is a tragedy for the children and all concerned. This only provides an example of how miserable life can be and that we have to put up with it. It is far better that counselling be sought in an attempt to improve things or failing that believing that a fresh start can bring a better life.

she cried as she told me her tragic story
of domestic violence and misery
the fear for her children’s future
was another side to it and
in response to my suggestion that
should she want to move on there are
refuges for the safety of women like her
she stared me straight in the face and
told me that she couldn’t bear the
thought of breaking up her family
“what would people say?”
I wondered what tragedy would be the
outcome of this dysfunctional relationship

Living alone – a free agent

Some of us are in relationships – some fulfilling, others distressing. On the other hand some of us are living alone – some having a fulfilling life, others overcome by loneliness. Nevertheless living alone can be peaceful because we are responsible for our own needs and maybe that of plants and pets. This means quite often that we do what we want when we want and how we want. That sounds pretty good apart from those few moments when loneliness reminds us of our need to live with another.

I thank my stars that I only have to worry about me
and my fish and cat and two plants
my grandkids bring me joy too, when we see each other!
Every day I do what I want when I want
trying to be healthy in my choices
at times my friends and I are drawn to watching what I call
humorous, romantic, codependent drivel!
and that is fun but I do miss living with another person
in a loving relationship, that is
nevertheless living alone is my choice for now
and until I’m ready to take that other step again
I’m enjoying the benefits of being a free agent!

Mentor

Even the most able of us need to have someone as a sounding board – a mentor. Therapists are crucial and have their place in our lives too. Mentors are those people who will listen and share their knowledge and skills with us. Nevertheless we find strength in making a commitment about our own plans, in their presence, – a contract we make for our own improvement which they witness. It seems more binding that way.

How many times have I promised myself to follow a plan
for my own wellbeing and for improving some aspect of my life
some of these life strategies work smoothly and the outcome is
gratifying!
Now and then however, I come across an obstacle
then I discuss it with a mentor and it seems
easier to commit to
it’s all about accountability

With one finger pointing, three point back

It can be easy to blame others for unappealing behaviour because it then makes us feel not so dysfunctional as they seem. It is more important to realise that with one finger pointing, three point back. In other words how much of the unappealing behaviour is that which we reject in ourselves and find it easier to see in others?

Whenever I am tempted to criticise someone else
I remember what a wise person once told me –
with one finger pointing, three point back
so I first assess how accurate my comments are
and whether it is because I see in the other person
that behaviour which I try so hard to avoid in me
and perhaps am failing to achieve at the moment
then if that is not the case I check what other
negative feelings this process is camouflaging
for example, is it that I feel envious or
suffering from self pity?
usually this makes the situation clearer for me
and I can choose my words more carefully and caringly
should there still be a need for me to say anything at all
for that matter!

Children can be the mirror of their parents’ behaviour

Life has its ups and downs and we manage this to the best of our ability – sometimes successfully and sometimes not so. Whichever the outcome, it is important to remember that children can be the mirror of their parents’ behaviour and therefore not be too surprised when their behaviour is somewhat dysfunctional. Instead we need to lovingly redirect them to use more effective methods of relating and especially role model this whenever possible.

As I watched my children’s unpleasant behaviour
I was shocked at these changes forgetting that we had all
recently experienced some hard times in our family
but now that things were settling down the time had come for
the consequences of our friction to show in our children
for children can be the mirror of their parents’ behaviour!
that awareness helped me to relax and then approach the
whole situation more sensibly, gently guiding
them to improved behaviour
it’s odd how it is easier to see
another’s inappropriate behaviour
than to notice our own

Suggestions

Even though we are tempted to fix things when people tell us their problems the best way to help them is to listen carefully, feeding back to them what we have heard and then we get their permission to make any suggestions from our perspective. Sometimes this is well-received and other times it is not needed. Nevertheless if we follow that formula we will be of more help and then feel more useful in the end.

You asked for my opinion
I was tempted to jump in and tell you what to do
before you even got the chance to finish your story!
then I remembered to listen first – I’m glad I did
because the story took another turn and I realised that
you just needed to have someone hear your story
as you had already dealt with the solution and
just needed someone to confirm that you did the right thing
indeed I thought you had and as I said so
I saw the relief in your eyes!
But I asked if you would be open for any suggestions
and you said that you were not prepared to
do any more just yet
I could see your point and felt
sure that what I had to add could wait

And above all friendship

In a loving relationship there are several important elements that maintain its existence. These elements are passion, honesty, respect, communication, security, and above all friendship. Because familiarity breeds contempt, before we respond to our lover or family member we need to get the same attitude we have when we are communicating with a friend. Even when we don’t agree with a friend’s thoughts or behaviour we use our best interpersonal skills trying to resolve the conflict harmoniously. When we clash with a lover or family member, it helps to remember that and do the same.

you are my true love yet there are times that I loathe how
your behaviour annoys me to desperation
and in such cases, sadly, I either fight with you or run away within
holding a visible grudge
if only I could harness the anger and send it
to a more positive place so that it gives me
more passion to achieve my dreams
especially in harmony with you
I certainly stay patient in friendship
otherwise I wouldn’t have friends!
I don’t want to lose you
and we love each other deeply
so, let’s work it out

Friends

Having a bunch of close friends, who are loving and non-judgemental, is a good thing in many ways. First, we feel we are not alone. Second, when we need support during happy or sad times these friends are there for us, as we try to be for them. Third having a network of friends makes life worth living.

as I sunk into the depths of unhappiness recently
my friends were there to support me
as we met individually and as a group
things felt much better
and life was worth living
as matters improved and I felt happy again
while still meeting with my friends
I enjoyed the good times
how good to have close friends