Dr Affie Adagio – Page 10 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

13th Step Syndrome

In March 11 2006 I wrote about avoiding the 13th Step which means “screwing someone crazier than you” – a term clarified by Dr. Stephen Jurd (a leading addiction psychiatrist). There have been more comments on this post than any other post I have written. The more recent comment on 12/10/07 by the author of Damn That Ojeda! website is worth mentioning here because of the enthusiasm with which the message is being relayed, and in order to correct the interpretation of my qualifications. The author refers to Coulter, ‘a right winged journalist’, intending to promote her book whilst appearing on a Carlson program which should discourage similar types from being edified because they are described as having…

spewed out such horrendous slanderous nonsense for no other reason than to let them promote more of their hate [which] will be diagnosed by me as having Dr. Affie Adagio Syndrome.

Allow me to explain.

Dr. Adagio herself does not have this condition. She’s a physician consulting chemically addicted clients and helping them go through the 12 steps of recovery. A noble and worthwhile cause indeed.

But in her treatments and counseling, she’s added one more step:

The 13th Step: Don’t Screw Anyone Crazier Than You

This, I would argue, is the problem with Carlson, et al. They allow themselves to electronically bed with Crazy Coulter for no justifiable reason. If she’s such a callous moron with nothing noteworthy to say before she goes on your show, why would you think your own program will be any different?

As the good doctor explains:

“It is not helpful to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who needs our assistance to recover from any illness or needs to improve their skills.”

Affie’s response: The author of Damn That Ojeda! has, indeed, the correct interpretation of the use of the term 13th Step which I also intended for people outside the 12 Step recovery program. This is because I believe it is a symbolic term of that extra step in any program which trains professionals to provide a service to others and therefore be responsible for not abusing the privilege.

One important correction that needs to be highlighted is that I am a qualified Family Therapist/Life Coach specialising in compulsion and recovery (addictions), a Doctor of Philosophy not a Medical Doctor or Physician. My PhD research was in Compulsion and Recovery and as a result I believe in a diversity of approaches – a synthesis or a balanced approach to recovery.

Couple kissing, photo by Margarit Ralev http://ralev.com/

Rose Garden Pavilion for Weddings

One of the loveliest venues in Sydney is the Rose Garden Pavilion for weddings. The position is opposite 139 Macquarie Street through the Palace Gate. The Pavilion has a slate floor and benches all around so it is ideal for rain or shine. Guests can sit inside or out. Self catering is permitted by the Royal Botanic Gardens and parking can be at meters inside or outside the Gardens or in parking stations nearby. It is possible to dance in the Pavilion too. Even if the roses are not in bloom the immaculate gardens with the white lion statues guarding the Pavilion create a magic environment. There is a hire fee for the Pavilion and the nearby toilet but the cost is well worth it. This is how the Royal Botanic Gardens website describes the venue:

Consisting of six design elements the Sydney Rose Garden has a romantic pavilion with views over three huge beds dispaying traditional and contemporary roses. The rose beds complement a fig tree on a central lawn.

Authority over Autocracy

The difference between authority and autocracy is as huge as the difference between functional and dysfunctional or negotiation and abuse. Having authority when we want to make a point means we are using our assertive skills to get a point understood whilst keeping it short and sweet. When a point is made in an autocratic punitive manner and wordy then the lesson is lost. Our defenses block out any information that is given to us in a loud critical manner. Whether this method is used on children or adults the outcome can be the same – a failure to communicate.

young people who were Wards of the State
and in our residential program
had experienced autocratic punitive communication
throughout their lives and they
had become dysfunctional!
over a short period of time we befriended them
and the model was one based on assertive skills
yet maintaining the authority as their carers
the change in their behaviour which became
much more mellow was indeed a relief
and proved that better results are gained
in this manner and transforms conflict

Authority, photo by Daniel, San Antonio, United States

PhD Graduation Celebration

Last Saturday I had my PhD Celebration at the Rose Garden Pavilion in the Royal Botanic Gardens between 12.30 and 4.30. Many weddings and other celebrations are held there because it is such an attractive venue with ambiance. There were 61 people and those who wished sat on the comfortable benches around the inside of the Pavilion and others sat outside in the beautiful garden. Everyone commented on this amazing venue. I bought food from Peter’s Cafe – roasts and baked potatoes ready sliced in nice trays. Also delicious foods prepared by my daughter Tina and my daughter-in-law Nella with help from their husbands Bill and Paul. I invited guests to bring their own drinks and desserts so that individual needs could be taken care of personally, without tempting those who don’t drink alcohol and those who don’t eat sweets.

I had intended to provide dance music so that we could let our hair down and indulge in some Greek dancing as well as other dances. However, my equipment didn’t work – drats! The Pavilion has slate flooring which is ideal for dancing. I hired the Pavilion including the nearby toilet for four hours at what I thought was a reasonable fee for such a delightful place.

Well known celebrity Bruce Barry, my dear friend, played the role of MC. Bruce shared about his experience of reading my Doctoral Thesis cover to cover, and in his charming way introduced my University Supervisor and mentor – Dr. Neil Davidson who spoke about our journey together which resulted with my graduation. Neil also read emails from Professor Stuart Hill, the founding Chair for the School of Social Ecology where I began my Uni studies in 1991, and from Debbie Horsfall – my previous Supervisor and mentor. Their kind words warmed my heart. This was followed by another friend, Steve Kirkham, reading out friendly congratulations from Bob and Colleen Ellicott who reminded me of our association which began when he was the Member for Wentworth and I was a Welfare Worker in the Community Centre in Surry Hills over 30 yrs ago. Many constituents benefited from The Hon. Bob Ellicott’s monthly visits.

Community leaders and close friends also expressed their congratulations on Saturday. These were Greek speaking community workers/radio announcers Fay Giallusi, Sophia Catharios and Litsa Diakovasili as well as John August, President of the Humanist Society of NSW.

Finally, my son Paul Zagoridis who spoke on behalf of my daughter Tina and their spouses Nella and Bill respectively and their children (who all struggled along with me on my academic journey). His words filled my heart. The previous day they attended my Graduation and as I looked at them from where I was seated on the stage next to the ‘top brass’ of UWS, I felt honoured and overcome with emotion.

Another delight of the Rose Garden Celebration was having people enter their congratulations in a book chosen for that event in which I have also glued the congratulation cards received. I got home and arranged the flowers which were given to me and opened the remaining gifts. What a delightful day.

Many thanks to all who came to share my celebration. Also my thanks to the printer: MBE who produced my new coloured business card in 3 days when others said it would take 2 weeks and for giving me a discount too.

Click here to download the Affie Adagio PhD Thesis in PDF format

Graduation 2, photo by Christopher Rayan, Selangor, Malaysia

13th Step Consequences

I have written about the dangers of getting sexually involved with someone who is early in recovery from addiction and/or any other vulnerable state. This is commonly known in the 12 Step fellowship as 13th Step consequences and needs to be treated as a serious warning, even though the term causes nervous laughter.? Steve’s comment is an example of such a traumatic outcome and here is my response:

Steve, I was sorry to read that you have had such a traumatic experience and that you are now disabled with a muscle disease too. Not all AA members are as thoughtless as the one who hurt you and your partner. There are many AA members who are careful not to get involved in that way and who make good supportive friends for each other and for new members. Perhaps you could both try another meeting if you want the benefit of the program. Then again no one says you must use AA. There is a group known as SMART Recovery and it does not encourage friendships? between its members, as there is no buddy system. It is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and does not use a God perspective.

Lying a symptom of addiction

Louanne wrote in response to my post on addiction is lying how she believes her husband is an addict and lies. When she threatens divorce “he cowers and cleans up his act for a while” but she doesn’t think he has the personal strength to admit the true problem and “get appropriate care”. She goes on to say:

I’m in such a dilemma. I would LOVE to be free from this man, but I look for answers in the bible and I believe it says to work it out. I see a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness with this man. Is that what my path is to stay in a close walk with God?

I don’t believe that working it out and “staying in a close walk with God” means the suffering of the family while a person who is addicted is in denial and does not seek appropriate help. In putting up with this behaviour you are accommodating his denial and lies. Nevertheless, when you and your daughters have had enough pain, in other words reached your ‘rock bottom’ as to what you can cope with, then you will take the steps that are necessary, based on ‘tough love’. Perhaps in the meantime it would help you to attend therapy to help you avoid enabling his addiction. Such help can be gained from an addictions therapist and/or a 12 Step support group of that compulsion such as Al Anon or Naranon or even CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

Wedding to remember

I have often said that when a couple gets married that event needs to be a wedding to remember because it becomes a part of a lifetime memory. It doesn’t have to be a big wedding if the couple doesn’t want it to be and neither does it have to be expensive. Nevertheless there are circumstances where it is so moving to make it as traditional as possible. Here I give and example of how a wedding can be made just that.

Joe contacted me from overseas and
asked me to conduct his wedding
so after the formal arrangements
they also wanted to hire a gown and suit
and to have a photographer present
as well as a bouquet of flowers
for the bride
they were going to be here for a few days
then off to a fun honeymoon and back home
where they would have a reception
they came from a country where legal weddings
are not possible for various reasons
and in this way they will have the wedding and
the celebration making it a
wedding to remember their whole life

Wedding rings, photo by Dhiego Andrade, Pirapora, Brazil

Difference between addiction or not

I have often been asked the question put to me by Uli Bartels, the photographer for the coffee addiction post, that is, how does one know the difference between addiction or not? The answer is quite simple – when the behaviour is repeated until it becomes problematic and often life-threatening then it is addiction. In other words when a person cannot stop themselves from repeating destructive behaviour then they have become addicted. So it is far better to reduce the behaviour before it becomes harmful and then it is necessary to abstain from usage all together.

Robert told me that he knew he was not addicted
because he could go without drinking for months
I asked him when he does drink what happens and
he pulled a face as he told me that he got high
but although he drank too much
he was a ‘happy drunk’ or so he was told
because he couldn’t always remember things
then the penny dropped as he realised
that he was a problem drinker
that’s the difference between addiction or not!

Perk Me Up, photo by Gomi Lao, Baguio City, Philippines

Making amends

Friendships can be lifelong, providing the parties involved eliminate the resentments which can occur naturally. It is well known that ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ and moods become problematic between close relationships even friends. When a resentment festers it is easily settled by making amends. In this way the relationship is made the priority and restored. Otherwise grudges develop and power games are fostered with sad endings.

it was fascinating that although Geoff was
such a difficult person to get on with
he had such longlasting friendships
years and years with the same friends
this was a skill, indeed!
when examined closely, it became apparent
that he had the ability of making amends
and much easier than most people
therefore any disagreements were
easily swept away and the
friendship made longlasting

Time heals all wounds, photo by Tim Ambler, Chattanooga, USA

Happiness

There is no use blaming others for our misery because happiness is in our own power. In other words whether we are happy or not depends entirely on our own decisions and perceptions. Other people can try to make us happy or unhappy but we allow them to impact us in whichever way. So make a plan to bring happiness into your life and live fully and blissfully.

Ellen is in her 80s and was an exceptionally
beautiful and talented women in her youth
but most of her life she has been miserable
when asked why this is so she replies that
happiness has eluded her and
misfortune has left its mark on her!
she cannot see that it has been this belief
that has caused her to miss any opportunities
at having happiness and fulfillment and
to this day still blames everyone and everything
for missing out on life’s joys
what a waste of talent and beauty?!

Sweet, photo by jesusroxs, United States