Dr Affie Adagio – Page 31 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Love addiction

How often are we amazed at how we are held hostage by loving someone who does not return that love. Unrequited love is very potent and keeps us hooked. We become unaware that the other person does not feel for us as we feel for them and just because they show interest we interpret that as being what we want it to be. This is called denial and the core issue is love addiction. When we can see it for what it is: purely friendship, then we are able to stay real. But when we make something of it that it is not then the end result is pain. Love addiction is experienced by both the giver and the receiver.The receiver (victim) is the one who hopes that what they want is truly happening. The giver (perpetrator) is blind to the needs of the other and keeps them hopefully dangling. The whole process causes intrigue and is in itself love addiction.

she smiled, joked and had a sexy look
he thought he had found his soulmate
they thought alike but when he tried to
get closer she ran away
when he gave up, she was back
promising more than before but then nothing
he decided that was it, never again!
but she looked at him and he melted
what was he to do with this joy and pain?
she couldn’t understand why he was making
such a big thing out of nothing
she wanted just friendship and
was not ready for anything more
yet she couldn’t stay away!
they call it love addiction

Fathers

Nowadays it seems that fathers are not credited for how important they are. Quite often people minimise how caring fathers are and it’s maintained that males are only interested in their work, mates, sport and sex and that they leave the family things to the women. Yet so many men make wonderful fathers and this is so important for their children.

my father was so reliable
not demonstrative with his affection but
I sensed he loved me by his caring ways
he worked hard to provide for us and
when my mother left he took on
both parenting roles
when he didn’t approve of something I did
he firmly but gently expressed it
when he was pleased his smiling eyes
were my reward
he died forty years ago and still I miss him

father and kids, photo by mario gonzaga, Bage, Brazil, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/473343

Spending addiction

We delight in the thought of going shopping when we want to lift our spirits. Everyone supports this by laughing about it when it’s mentioned. It is healthy fun except when it is a spending addiction. How do we know the difference? It’s a matter of whether the spending is affordable, not excessive, and above all does not create clutter by accumulating too much. Mainly when we feel uncomfortable about the spending and still do it then it needs attention.

she looked depressed and opened up to
how low her finances were and how hard
it is to feed small children as a sole parent
with no support from the father
her job was not paying well and the
expenses were high
there was no time nor money for
socialising and having fun with friends
her only delight was shopping sprees at
St. Vincents de Paul where she spent little
and got things she couldn’t otherwise afford
however her spending addiction was getting out of hand
in therapy she found out that by admitting it
half the problem is solved and she made a plan
to get her spirits lifted a healthier way

Wedding on the beach

It was one of those beautiful sunny days when the weather was pleasant, the golden beach gleamed and the sea sparkled. The ceremony was near Woy Woy, outside the Pearls on the Beach restaurant where the reception took place. A celebration to remember, the wedding on the beach.

It was picture perfect
after much searching they found this place
it provided the dreamlike background
they had wished for
with romance in the air they agreed to
love each other for the rest of their lives
as I pronounced them husband and wife
they sealed it with a kiss
then the party started
the food and drinks were delicious
there was Greek dancing which the
groom had asked for and
everyone loved the wedding on the beach
a celebration to remember

children acting out

Young toddlers are so cute and loveable. But children acting out can be so exhausting and perplexing for the parents especially. What causes them to be angels one minute and devils the next? Children go through phases of change and each transition has the good and the bad. However, if the disruptive behaviour continues, parents need to look at their own behaviour as children mirror that of their parents. Parents, are you tense and short tempered? Children can feel responsible for how their parents behave. When parents relax and remember to become loving, they role-model friendly behaviour and the children can copy that.

I asked the child whether he knew why his parents
seemed so serious with him lately?
he said he did not know why
so I explained that this happens to
other children too and that’s because
parents have such an important job
to teach their children what’s right or wrong,
how to do the right thing and
that his parents love him very much
he said sometimes it did not feel that way
and the other day he felt he
did not even belong in the family!
such a sad thought from someone so young
how easy it is for our children to
get the wrong impression

marco bump! photo by Giuseppe Crimeni, Marina di Gioiosa Jonica, Italy, http://www.webalice.it/krimeboy

Family Tree

How important it is to know our family history. It contributes to the formation of our identity. A family tree shows where we came from and how special some of those ancestors are. With that also comes the odd relative who was not so great. You take the good with the bad and it helps to understood who you are. That’s what makes happy times. Have you got your family tree?

my cousins took the time to prepare our history
for future generations
one made a huge frame with family photos
which meant nothing without the
documentation made by the other cousin
and it helped me to remember what
my parents had told me and I learnt more
making me feel as though I found a gem
I spent some happy times and
melancholic nostalgia as
most have passed away
nevertheless reliving the history
with my family tree
has reminded me of happy times

Passive Aggression

We all get angry but different people have different ways of behaving when they get angry. Some shout and others express themselves appropriately without throwing a tantrum. Then again there are those whose response is minimal but deep inside there is turmoil, so they withdraw. Nevertheless their behaviour shows they are unhappy and it is tense around them. That’s what is commonly known as passive aggression and not very helpful in a relationship. It is better for them and others that they at least attempt to express their feelings maturely rather than hold them inside which causes ill health, just as acting out angry behaviour aggressively also does.

for a long time she kept quiet when she was angry
that’s the way it had always been for her but
she had not realised that it was written on her face
all the frustration, the hurt and the pain
brought about by that anger
however it did not help in the long run even though she
had become good at passive aggression
as she practised a healthier way of communicating
she became more loveable and happier
only now and then she slipped back to the old ways
but at least nowadays it was for a shorter time because
she knew that it was so obviously
immature and unhealthy

Loneliness and despair

Quite often we overlook the pain men go through when their relationships go sour. This happens in the same way it does for women. However, women are more likely to share their distress whereas usually men are not so transparent. Some turn to drugs and give up on happiness. Loneliness and despair set in. They? isolate to deal with the loss and hurt. Nevertheless, the majority are survivers and in time they get to stand up and face Life again.

how bewildered he was when his partner left
what had gone wrong? He thought they were happy
was he not listening, should he have noticed more?
why didn’t anyone tell him? Maybe he could have
done something to save their love before it was too late
the alcohol and drugs ease the pain but
he still wakes up to the loneliness and despair
as he realises it’s over his mind plays tricks on him
is it really over? holding on to that empty wish
he reaches for the bottle!

Happy times again

Happy Happy Joy Joy photo by Tom de Bruin, Binfield UK

Life has ups and downs. Happiness brightens our days and then out of the blue come problems and pain which don’t seem to want to go away, and that darkens our days. Then we hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is sunshine and not an oncoming train. Eventually there are happy times again with sunlight and joy. We wonder why we felt it was so hopeless when this happens over and over throughout Life – and that is normal.

his eyes were happy and his smile was wide
he had happy times again
together we remembered how miserable
his life had been recently which had given him
the look of a victim, a miserable man
everything he touched turned sour until
things changed and he was back to his old
successful ways full of luck and happiness

Don’t give up on love

Love is our own emotion to do with as we please. We feel it for someone or we stop feeling that way. It is good when we love someone and it is painful when they stop loving us but they don’t take away the ability for us to love. It just causes us to withdraw for a while to heal our love wounds. Don’t give up on love when that happens because in time love blooms again and a powerful lesson is learnt too.

he loved her more than life itself
and would do anything for her to be happy
nevertheless it was not enough and she
left him stranded with the kids, toddlers at that!
then she returned only to leave again
this time with another in the middle of the night
she took one child and left the other
he was a good father as a sole parent
but he used to say “one life, one love”
and I would say “don’t give up on love”
one day he fell in love again
and how great it was to see his happiness