dysfunctional – Page 2 – Dr Affie Adagio

Isolation

It’s so easy to justify isolation as being time alone. When you prefer to be alone rather than being a part of the community and feel intolerant about everything and everyone then it’s a warning sign that all is not well. To ignore that is to toy with serious consequences. Many people would rather suffer than do whatever it takes to heal. Sometimes all it takes is writing about how we feel until the core anger or fear is released. Other times it may take joining a group to share similar interests or hobbies. Another solution is seeing a doctor or therapist to sound out your innermost thoughts. Perhaps there may be a need for a change in diet, exercise, or taking supplements (vitamins). It could be you need medication or anti-depressants under doctor’s supervision. Or all of the above. Whatever it is, don’t let the dysfunction or ill health ruin your life and that of others. Deal with it and turn your life around to be more joyful and fulfilling.

she’s in her eighties and totally alone
full of complaints about her family
whom she feels has abandoned her
over the years she’s had interesting friends
for short periods of time because
she constantly ‘leaves bodies in her wake’
her dysfunctional behaviour shows as
meanness and blame levelled at all ages
any suggestion for therapy or medication
incurred her wrath
then one day as a result of some
medication for vertigo for 2 weeks
she seemed so sane and serene
then she stopped taking the meds and
life was misery again, for her and others
yet she could not see the difference!

Male influence in the family

As a family therapist and as a woman, I am pleased to see the growing nurturing role of men in family relationships. A man nowadays does more than provide financial security and play with his children. Usually he takes more of an interest in the child’s choices in life and is more supportive of their achievements, apart from sport. A man is not ashamed to take on a more nurturing role which was once only attributable to a woman. Likewise, a woman has more of an active role in what was once considered only that of a man’s, so the sharing of responsibilities is both effective and welcomed for the progress of humanity. Therefore, male influence in the family can provide a more balanced foundation for childrearing.

he remembered that as a child his father was
emotionally unavailable to him
sure, he played with him and showed some
interest in his son’s sporting activities but
if they were lesser talents than that of his father’s
then the criticism and insults were extreme
what’s more his father did not show pride in his son’s
academic and chess playing achievements
fortunately, it can be said that the son is
a better father, more responsible and caring
and this sometimes happens in opposition to the
inappropriate behaviour of a dysfunctional parent

13th Step love

People who find recovery from addictions in a 12 Step program create close loving friendships together, which is the basis for this fellowship. It’s known that some members also find a soulmate or life partner in the 12 Step fellowship, when both partners have a strong recovery and are ready for an intimate relationship. In such cases a life partnership is rewarding because they share a way of life which they understand and which enhances their recovery choices. However, people need to be vigilant about 13th Step love. That’s what they call it when someone who is experienced with the 12 Step program gets involved with a member in recovery who is vulnerable and who is usually a new member (also see my other posts on the 13th Step which is the unofficial term for this involvement).

he resisted his feelings about her because
she was new in recovery and he was her guide
he had many years in the 12 Step fellowship
and was grateful for the sanity and serenity he had
but he was fooled about her level of recovery
because it was not her first time in the program
so when their relationship became intimate he had
hopeful plans for their future together
but then she relapsed and he realised
it had only been a 13th Step love
he took responsibility for the mistake as he was the more
experienced one and had needed to be more aware
she was now a ‘runaway train’ with her addiction and
they suffered in more ways than one
a painful lesson for both

Sex and love addiction

So many people nowadays suffer with sex and love addiction and yet are in denial about it. They are seen as rogues and the behaviour is condoned. Or it seems easier for people to believe that a person is worthless because they lose control of their desires for sex and love. Whereas if there was more understanding that this behaviour is a disorder or disease which can be treated, then it could be corrected. It is described simply by the need to have sex and love in order to get a thrill, only to feel guilty afterwards because the consequences are bleak and people are hurt. At times it is life-threatening when those involved are careless too.

he said that he couldn’t understand
what happened and that he took such a chance
he had not intended to have a one night stand
and yet he felt driven and what’s more
he didn’t use a condom
now he was stressed as he may have
signed his own death warrant
this was not the first time this had happened
and yet he is a good looking, successful guy
any number of women are attracted to him
something had to be done and right away
he agreed he couldn’t do it alone and needed help
he’d been to have his Aids test and
now he made a commitment to go to
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which
he had resisted for so long
when I saw him next he seemed
more serene and spoke about how
surprised he was at meeting people
he respected and some who had
been through the same thing as he had
but were free of the madness
and now he felt there was hope for him
I saw him again one year later and he
was in recovery and grateful for his health
emotional physical and spiritual

[SLAA Sydney telephone: 9358 6605]

The clown in addiction

In life we need fun and laughter to stay healthy. When it is missing then we turn to substances and or processes that lift our spirits. Unfortunately, using such means results in repetitive behaviour which is not fulfilling because eventually whatever we do isn’t enough. The clown in addiction can be a cover up for immense unhappiness and low self esteem. In other circumstances, the clown is a fun performance for the audience to enjoy.

as she spoke to me about the sadness and abuse
she had experienced all her life up till now
she chuckled often at the most traumatic recollections
as a therapist I was obliged to give her feedback on this
pointing out that incongruous behaviour was not unusual
in codependence and addictions
she quickly understood the message about
the clown in addiction
and this insight, although it hurt a little
no pain no gain they say
helped her to be more authentic about
her feelings and therefore closer
to resolving the turmoil inside
serenity at last

Loves me, loves me not

So many people rely on their partner to constantly reassure them that they are loved. Having your significant other express their love for you is great, but to depend on that can only take its toll on you and your partner. It’s much like living in the fantasy of plucking a daisy and counting the petals with the chant “loves me, loves me not” to find out if you’re loved or not. It is far better to love yourself first and believe that others love you, than the other way around.

if you have ever plucked a daisy in your youth
saying “loves me, loves me not”
you will remember the disappointment
when after mutilating the poor daisy
you reach “loves me not” and your
heart plunges in the depths of despair
or if the outcome was “loves me”
and the feeling was that
you didn’t believe it
then that didn’t feel good either
maybe you experienced
feeling insatiable and wanting
to pluck another poor daisy again!
really it’s about
not feeling lovable to begin with
and therefore many of us have given
into the curiosity of plucking
the poor daisy!

Daisy, photo by Allison Choppick, Toronto, Canada, true love

Addiction is lying

A main symptom of addiction is lying. Lying to yourself (denial) and lying to others. ‘The eyes are the windows to the soul’, that’s how the expression goes and it’s real. When addicts lie they believe that others can’t tell that they are not telling the truth. That is why it is important to communicate what we see to an addict instead of being too embarrassed to say that they look stoned, drunk or that they seem to be concealing something. The best way to do that is to say that their eyes are giving the game away and then let go of the outcome. In other words, don’t expect an addict to own up straight off. Instead say what you see and feel, and then be prepared to walk away rather than argue the point.

I was running a halfway house meeting
for men in recovery from drug addiction
one of the guys came late and made a feeble excuse
and his behaviour was suspicious
I felt uncomfortable and so I asked him
what he had used?
he denied it vehemently
addiction is lying
I then repeated my question, unemotionally
and he owned up that he had used codeine
saying that usually he got away with his lies
I then offered to take him to a detox unit
as the house rule stipulated so that
he would be given one more chance
to come back
I had trusted my gut feeling and
he gave up the lie
it’s as simple as that!

Unresolved grief issues

“I am wondering how much the loss of a parent contributes to a new, hopeful, but tentative relationship becoming dysfunctional and morphing into a love addiction.”

Letitia made this comment when I wrote about the loss of a parent and my response is that awareness is 50% of the solution to a problem. So if we are aware of our unresolved grief issues then we can avoid letting them contaminate our relationships and turning them into dysfunctionality and/or love addiction. With unresolved grief issues it is difficult to avoid loving someone who subconsciously reminds us of our parents, whether it’s a loving parent or a punishing parent. This is, mainly because we search to find either a replacement for the loving parent whom we miss, or the punishing parent whose approval we seek. That is why grief counselling is vital, so that we stand a better chance of developing healthy loving relationships.

Addiction and relationships

When people first come into recovery from an addiction they are encouraged to focus on themselves and if in detox avoid contact with family or getting into new relationships. Once they develop the relationship with self and are comfortable living without their drug (or process) of choice they are in a better position to develop healthy relationships. Addiction and relationships cause major dysfunctionality. An ‘addictive process’ can represent one or more addictions to gambling, eating/undereating, working, being busy, spending, sex, love, relationships, avoidance of intimacy, and isolation (hermits) and no doubt more. ‘Drug’ means alcohol, narcotics, nicotine, tobacco, pot, prescribed pills, recreational pills such as ecstasy, ice and so on.

she had been to hell and back addicted to prescription medication
he had dabbled with pot and was a heavy drinker
he experienced blackouts too but thought it was OK
both smoked cigarettes cause it seemed cool
as their life spiralled downhill they realised it was unmanageable
unpaid bills, no work, no money, avoiding debt collectors, and
worst of all accidents with their cars, injuries, plus illness
jealousy and fights topped it all off – pure codependence
that’s unmanageability!
so they cleaned up their act with the help of a professional
who knew about this kind of craziness
that’s what addiction and relationships are about
major dysfunctionality and unmanageablity
then in recovery they planned their future
being happy and free of the demons that had plagued them
serenity and peace of mind at last brought about
emotional and financial security