emotional_maturity – Page 6

Thought becomes reality

We can talk ourselves into negativity or out of it, because thought becomes reality. Sports events are preceded by pep talks for the contestants and this an expected practice with professionals whose primary role is to boost the motivation of the team members. The same applies in life for everyone, children, adults men, women, young and old. We all need a pep talk sometimes and better still is our belief in the power of positive thinking.

I was learning to paint landscapes in oils
my friend and teacher used to finish off each one
just a little black stroke here and there
made the piece look more professional and saleable
I promised the next one to a charity function
and as I began my work my teacher had to go
leaving me high and dry
at first I saw my work go from bad to worse in minutes
as the function was on the next day I was desperate
then I realised that thought becomes reality so
I began saying “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it”
as I continued on with my painting
again before my very eyes my work transformed
and by the time I finished I had produced
an Australian bush landscape that I was
not only surprised with but also
extremely proud of because of
my thought processes

Seeing the light

Having experiences that are naturally blissful has been a favoured topic for me lately. Another such bliss is when we get an Ahaa at seeing the light about something. Good communication is one of life’s main assets. Getting it right when we wish to communicate our needs and wants means that our relationships are healthier, our work is more successful, and we have a more enjoyable life. Don’t settle for something that is not clear for fear of annoying another should you probe for more information. The reward of understanding something is priceless. Otherwise you suffer the stress brought on by confusion and misunderstanding.

she was crying her heart out when
I asked what was wrong and
she refused to explain
I paused, giving her time to cry a little more
as I waited she noticed that I was not
going to try and stop her and
she began explaining her predicament
of how her bills were greater than
the money coming in
I suggested that when she was
able to talk we might be able to
look at what options there were
then she became more settled and peaceful
so we considered what she could do
she made a list of those she could contact
and make a payment arrangement with
also what expenses she could do without
like a serious plan to give up smoking
things looked promising as can happen
when seeing the light occurs
that makes all the difference
at the worst of times

Life Strategies Workshop

Have you ever reached a stage that you look around and see people around you relating in a superficial manner – plastic and meaningless, dragging you into the same empty space? There are enjoyable ways to bring you back in touch with your true self and your passion which otherwise can just die away. Today I facilitated another Life Strategies Workshop. This one took place in the boardroom at the Crest Hotel at Kings Cross. There were 9 participants and we had fun unwinding from the stresses of life.

Those present already have experience in using effective life strategies and are involved in providing person-to-person services in corporate life. Today was their turn to take the focus off others and put it on themselves. It was also great to have such a good ratio of men and women.

We looked at how to identify different personality types so as to improve communication in the workplace and in personal relationships. Also how to find your passion which is so important to keep you motivated to achieve your goals. Then how to move on after a relationship has ended, with the least possible suffering. All vital life strategies which need honing now and then, no matter how good you are at dealing with life’s ups and downs.

The participants also experienced developing their skills in dealing effectively with a rebellious, difficult person without losing their sanity. For some, such a person is an adolescent child with unrealistic expectations.

Feedback from some participants was along the lines of:

more productive than other workshops

confronting, yet light and enjoyable

very different from what I expected, good work

interesting workshop, good group of people

enjoyable afternoon, a good learning curve

good to be with like minded people and unwind

great to refine my negotiation skills in a pleasant way

will remember this day for a long while, stress free

I liked the lots of humour for change

it mapped a path to my goals, back on track

more beneficial than I expected, cause I dealt with something new

The venue, atmosphere and delicious food and beverages created a moment in time that busy successful people could really appreciate. This is a reliable method of ensuring that your life is kept on an even keel.

The next Life Strategies Workshop will take place 1-5pm on Sunday January 28th 2007 [changed to February 4th]. So book early as only 9 or 10 participants are accepted.

Codependence and pets

When we want to live functional lives, a solution is to get a pet. A codependent flips between manipulation, attempts at controlling, and becoming an enabler causing the victim to remain dependent. Codependence and pets means that the need to overwhelm someone with love is then directed to a creature who thrives on such devotion. So the behaviour is diverted to a healthier end. When a mother wishes to avoid being over-protective towards her growing children, I as a therapist recommend that they get a pet. This way the pet will not suffer from too much affection and it will keep her busy looking after and training the pet.

my children were 11 and 12
it was time to let go in order to avoid
too much mothering, or so I thought
so I got a German Shepherd called Kara
who at 6 months couldn’t even walk,
due to an overwhelming fear,
so I taught her to walk and I
loved her and called her my baby
she just bloomed and so did
my kids who were learning
how to be confident and independent
childrearing was a success thanks to
Kara, who I still miss a lot
but now that I’m alone I have a cat, Midnight,
who’s my baby to coo over
much to my adult children’s relief
no doubt!

Recovery through education

Addiction creeps up on a person before they realise it’s too late.? Then they can’t stop repeating the debilitating behaviour.? Becoming free of the grip of addiction is possible through education and an experienced helping hand.? So many have succeeded to be set free from such compulsion.? Recovery through education about the addictive process can only be achieved successfully with the support of others, especially those who have had the same experience and recovered.? You cannot do it by yourself, so reach out.

it was such a long hard struggle
and she tried over and over
each time the sobriety lasted
maybe a day or two
and then she had a drink
and it was a downward tumble again
she told me she was contemplating
suicide to get free of the torment
until she came into detox and
the support of Alcoholics Anonymous
she was so amazed at how many
successful people had reached the same
hopeless situation as she had done
and how they found recovery through education
because it’s not enough to just stop drinking
you need to deal with the feelings for which
alcohol is used to cover

Addiction is lying

A main symptom of addiction is lying. Lying to yourself (denial) and lying to others. ‘The eyes are the windows to the soul’, that’s how the expression goes and it’s real. When addicts lie they believe that others can’t tell that they are not telling the truth. That is why it is important to communicate what we see to an addict instead of being too embarrassed to say that they look stoned, drunk or that they seem to be concealing something. The best way to do that is to say that their eyes are giving the game away and then let go of the outcome. In other words, don’t expect an addict to own up straight off. Instead say what you see and feel, and then be prepared to walk away rather than argue the point.

I was running a halfway house meeting
for men in recovery from drug addiction
one of the guys came late and made a feeble excuse
and his behaviour was suspicious
I felt uncomfortable and so I asked him
what he had used?
he denied it vehemently
addiction is lying
I then repeated my question, unemotionally
and he owned up that he had used codeine
saying that usually he got away with his lies
I then offered to take him to a detox unit
as the house rule stipulated so that
he would be given one more chance
to come back
I had trusted my gut feeling and
he gave up the lie
it’s as simple as that!

Family of origin

When someone comes into recovery from addiction, dependency, emotional illness, or a loss of some kind, an important step is to share about their family of origin story. This is vital to recovery because some issues get buried unknowingly and can fester, affecting the person’s behaviour for years. On the other hand, also remembering the positive things about their family of origin can contribute to their recovery. This process can help a person improve the relationship with their family of origin, if appropriate to do so.

she used to hate going home for
important times such as Christmas
and as we spoke it became apparent that
the angst she felt was valid
but at other times unwarranted
nevertheless because she had
not dealt with these issues
resentments had be debilitating
both to her and her family
so she made a plan to
approach her family of origin
and be honest about how she felt
regarding certain past events
not forgetting to make amends too
when it was appropriate to do so
I reminded her not to be
attached to the outcome and
then the process could set her free

Intimacy

People need intimacy to feel fulfilled in life. Intimacy means more than just sex. Intimacy means being close enough to someone so that we are able to be honest about our innermost feelings – positive or negative. Intimacy can make us feel blissful and complete. Without intimacy we slip into dishonesty, defensiveness and ego inflation. Although a strength, intimacy can be fearful to contemplate. Sometimes in a relationship we argue because the ‘making up’ process brings back the intimacy that has slipped away.

they were arguing more and more
and came to me to see what was wrong
as we spoke about their life process
it became apparent that they were
both absorbed with their own work
and had little time left for their
relationship enjoyments
and they had not noticed that
this meant there was a lack of
intimacy between them unless
they argued and then ‘made up’
simple but important to know
and rectifiable

False modesty

So many times when we compliment someone on their talent they negate our perception. This is sometimes because of low self-esteem, or because they have not learnt the social graces to respond in gratitude, or because they prefer to be modest. Nevertheless it all comes down to false modesty. It is apparent when someone exhibits false modesty. They not only reject the praise offered but they insult the person who gives it only to then show that they are indeed talented. When someone praises you then just say thank you, that’s all that’s required and the exchange is then positive and complete.

she had a beautiful voice and
everyone present knew it
and so did she
then someone invited her to sing
she refused in a manner that
was one of modesty
however it was a false modesty
because once everyone applauded
and screamed out for her to sing
she performed just as expected
beautifully and unforgettable
however her false modesty
was disappointing to me
and I’m sure to others

singer statue, photo by andrea andrea, cluj-napoca, Romania, natural talent

13th Step disaster

‘Collage-Life’ said “Why no one has commented on this bright bit of information, I know not.” She is referring to my post 13th Step – don’t screw anyone crazier than you. This is not a new concept in the 12 Step fellowship but perhaps not written about often enough. Entering into an intimate relationship with someone in early recovery, who is basically attempting to regain their sanity, has a doomed outcome. The suggested period of time to avoid relationships is at least one year when the person can focus their total efforts on developing a new lifestyle. As sobriety or clean-time becomes the preferred option, emotional maturity takes place. Then the person is ready to safely enjoy and manage the madness of romantic love which takes place in an intimate relationship. Sometimes this also applies with old relationships that became dysfunctional because of the addiction. Better to be safe than sorry that you have a ‘wounded bird’ for a partner – 13 Step disaster.

Your partner made a good beginning
with 90 meetings in 90 days
lying is part of addiction and
ignoring your own intuitions is
part of being an enabler for addiction
you have learnt the hard way and no doubt
it must have been very painful
you have understood better than both of you
that you need to stay apart until he is
strong in his recovery otherwise quite likely
he will relapse and will blame you
it’s the nature of the disease
you have chosen well to wait
trust your intuition and
in the meantime attend Al Anon meetings
which helps friends and relatives of alcoholics
to know how to relate for the best and
avoid the 13 Step disaster