loving-relationships – Page 2

Love and marriage

When two people become lovers and they enjoy mutual interests, the next step could be marriage. Love and marriage, a fulfilling combination which many dream of and some achieve. There are lovers who plan their wedding to be a spectacular event and others who want something simple but with lots of meaning which they share with family and close friends. What’s important is that they choose the celebration that will help them remember the day as special.

they came to me because they had attended
their friends’ ceremony at which I was the celebrant
and they too wanted a simple but meaningful wedding
they chose the Rose Garden in the Botanic Gardens
it was a sunny day with birds singing
and the flowers in full bloom
the bride, groom and guests were in smart casual
and everyone had a great time
making it a day to remember

Dedicated parents

Those people who are dedicated parents provide a nurturing, caring environment for their children. They teach how to live a full life by being responsible and yet funloving.? ? Such parents are also aware of the need for their children to be independent and some day move away from home to make their own way in life.? Although the ’empty nest’ syndrome is known by the majority of society, we do not fully understand the extent of that experience. It’s not just your children leaving home and experiencing the loss of their presence, it is more than that. It is a case of truly letting go as you watch your adult children take care of business the way they wish and sometimes that can mean that parents disapprove of the choices their offspring make and/or feel somewhat abandoned by them. It is far better for parents to remember how they behaved at the same life stages as their adult children and then it is easier to understand.

I loved my cousin Chris very much, he was my mentor
after my dear father died I became engaged at 18
life was so full of fun and happiness
so when I experience empty nest with my adult children
I remember that whenever we visited Chris, we would
enjoy ourselves as he was ever so wise
and he would ask us to visit more often
which we never did because we were too busy
some years later Chris died and I miss him too
by then I was married and had two children
to this day I wonder if he knew that the
only reason we didn’t see him more often
was because life was so jam packed and
not that we didn’t love him and his family?

Dignity or pride

My dog, photo by Lily Rosen, Tel Aviv, Israel

This photo depicts the utmost dignity and beauty. There is a fine line between dignity and pride. Dignity is a strength of character which helps us to deal with life, maturely. This can mean that we survive the worst of life’s ups and downs by having such a strength. Things happen which can either be absolutely terrible or unbelievably amazing, yet how we handle such events determines our health and wellbeing because extremes can stress us. Pride on the other hand leads to a closed character and secrecy, which keeps emotions buried causing illness and unhappiness.

as a young man he was charm itself
popular and loved by men and women
women wanted him, men wanted to be like him
he appeared dignified but was closed
and especially secretive about himself
he became dysfunctional and in time his aggression
lost him his family and the respect of many
unfortunately, he doesn’t see that there is
anything harmful in his choice of behaviour
and he leaves ‘dead bodies’ in his path
whilst self medicating with unhealthy things like
cheating, lying, excessive drinking, overeating and
who knows what else?
his only chance is that he comes out of denial
and becomes more transparent about who he is

Touch to stay alive

Without touch babies have been known to die, that’s why attachment in the early years of childhood is so important. We need touch to stay alive. To touch and be touched is the necessity of life. That’s why one of the methods of torture or punishment has been isolation, it can make a person go crazy. It is important to teach children from a young age that sulking (withdrawal) is counter-productive to having their needs and wants met. Communicating what they are feeling is vital to their own wellbeing and future relationship development.

they argued constantly
from early morning and then
when he came home from work
late into the night
sometimes they wouldn’t talk for days
sulking so badly that you could
cut the air with a knife, so to speak
I often wondered how they managed
to get through the day in such an
atmosphere of bitterness and misery
with no touching
then after 13 years they divorced
and took their dysfunctional behaviour
to their new separate relationships
which did not last long either
we need touch to stay alive
in more ways than one

Loves me, loves me not

So many people rely on their partner to constantly reassure them that they are loved. Having your significant other express their love for you is great, but to depend on that can only take its toll on you and your partner. It’s much like living in the fantasy of plucking a daisy and counting the petals with the chant “loves me, loves me not” to find out if you’re loved or not. It is far better to love yourself first and believe that others love you, than the other way around.

if you have ever plucked a daisy in your youth
saying “loves me, loves me not”
you will remember the disappointment
when after mutilating the poor daisy
you reach “loves me not” and your
heart plunges in the depths of despair
or if the outcome was “loves me”
and the feeling was that
you didn’t believe it
then that didn’t feel good either
maybe you experienced
feeling insatiable and wanting
to pluck another poor daisy again!
really it’s about
not feeling lovable to begin with
and therefore many of us have given
into the curiosity of plucking
the poor daisy!

Daisy, photo by Allison Choppick, Toronto, Canada, true love

Double standards

Angela commented on my post on infidelity

“Others yet believe that infidelity is OK for them. They will justify and rationalise it and will be willing to murder (literally and metaphorically) their partner if the latter dares do the same. What sort of people are these? And to add insult to injury they will moralise and talk about values in public!”

Angela, it is one thing to have infidelity as a mutual relationship choice and another to behave in the dysfunctional manner which you describe. To even consider murdering for any reason is indicative of a person’s mental instability.

Furthermore, those people who practise infidelity and expect their partner to be monogamous have double standards. That is definitely not the concept I was describing as part of an open marriage. Not very many people have the emotional maturity to live in a truly open marriage without double standards and that is why the majority of couples choose to place fidelity as the foundation of their relationship.

Again whether they succeed in having a monogamous relationship or an open one, it depends on their emotional maturity and commitment to the choice they have made.