relationship_skills – Page 3

Male identity suffers

As a feminist, I am glad that the women’s movement has advanced the status of women, even though there’s much more to be done. Nevertheless, I have noticed that the male identity suffers through this process of achieving equality. Many men have become over cautious at being light hearted with women because they fear allegations of sexual harassment. Yet many women miss the harmless flirtations that took place between men and women. In becoming politically correct, rightfully so, perhaps we have thrown out the ‘baby with the bathwater’. In time, these men will feel safe to use respectful flirtation with women.

my communication is coloured by flirtations
a funloving aspect of my personality
which lifts my spirits often
the type of flirting I am referring to is one that
maintains a respectful position in relation to whoever
I am communicating with regardless of gender
I have noticed though that more men have become
quite reserved in their mannerisms and
I suspect that this is due to
an attempt to be respectful towards women
however, I believe the male identity suffers
in that process and they become tense
perhaps we need to role model
respectful flirtations more often
so that we don’t become overly serious
in our efforts to ‘do the right thing’

Practise to make perfect

Human beings have an innate need to be united with another. That is why we keep going back for more even if it is unpleasant. Avoiding being attracted to dysfunctional relationships means developing the art of being clear about what is acceptable to us and what’s not. From when we are children we need help to learn about new things from others who are experienced, especially those we can trust. Then practise to make perfect, as the saying goes.

he said that he had been a proactive person
successful in his endeavours and happy too
then he met her and after the initial bliss
it all went downhill because she wanted him
to change just to please her
as he did it just got worse – he felt like a doormat for her
but she was still not happy, his self esteem plummeted
then he walked away from the breakup
and in an attempt to pick up the pieces
he asked me what to do? I reminded him that
once he was strong and capable as well as happy
so he could start again because he had done everything
to save that dysfunctional relationship
also it was now time to note what he didn’t want in
the next relationship and get on with his life
I saw him again and he was confident, refreshed and
optimistic about life

Life Strategies Workshop

Have you ever reached a stage that you look around and see people around you relating in a superficial manner – plastic and meaningless, dragging you into the same empty space? There are enjoyable ways to bring you back in touch with your true self and your passion which otherwise can just die away. Today I facilitated another Life Strategies Workshop. This one took place in the boardroom at the Crest Hotel at Kings Cross. There were 9 participants and we had fun unwinding from the stresses of life.

Those present already have experience in using effective life strategies and are involved in providing person-to-person services in corporate life. Today was their turn to take the focus off others and put it on themselves. It was also great to have such a good ratio of men and women.

We looked at how to identify different personality types so as to improve communication in the workplace and in personal relationships. Also how to find your passion which is so important to keep you motivated to achieve your goals. Then how to move on after a relationship has ended, with the least possible suffering. All vital life strategies which need honing now and then, no matter how good you are at dealing with life’s ups and downs.

The participants also experienced developing their skills in dealing effectively with a rebellious, difficult person without losing their sanity. For some, such a person is an adolescent child with unrealistic expectations.

Feedback from some participants was along the lines of:

more productive than other workshops

confronting, yet light and enjoyable

very different from what I expected, good work

interesting workshop, good group of people

enjoyable afternoon, a good learning curve

good to be with like minded people and unwind

great to refine my negotiation skills in a pleasant way

will remember this day for a long while, stress free

I liked the lots of humour for change

it mapped a path to my goals, back on track

more beneficial than I expected, cause I dealt with something new

The venue, atmosphere and delicious food and beverages created a moment in time that busy successful people could really appreciate. This is a reliable method of ensuring that your life is kept on an even keel.

The next Life Strategies Workshop will take place 1-5pm on Sunday January 28th 2007 [changed to February 4th]. So book early as only 9 or 10 participants are accepted.

Codependence and pets

When we want to live functional lives, a solution is to get a pet. A codependent flips between manipulation, attempts at controlling, and becoming an enabler causing the victim to remain dependent. Codependence and pets means that the need to overwhelm someone with love is then directed to a creature who thrives on such devotion. So the behaviour is diverted to a healthier end. When a mother wishes to avoid being over-protective towards her growing children, I as a therapist recommend that they get a pet. This way the pet will not suffer from too much affection and it will keep her busy looking after and training the pet.

my children were 11 and 12
it was time to let go in order to avoid
too much mothering, or so I thought
so I got a German Shepherd called Kara
who at 6 months couldn’t even walk,
due to an overwhelming fear,
so I taught her to walk and I
loved her and called her my baby
she just bloomed and so did
my kids who were learning
how to be confident and independent
childrearing was a success thanks to
Kara, who I still miss a lot
but now that I’m alone I have a cat, Midnight,
who’s my baby to coo over
much to my adult children’s relief
no doubt!

Love and intimacy

Some people spend a lifetime in relationships that are dysfunctional, either constantly arguing or amazingly superficial and boring. What is missing in these relationships is a combination of love and intimacy. This may mean making an effort to create intimate pastimes like massage sessions on a regular basis. This activity involves relaxation and touch which are so important to creating and maintaining love in a relationship, as well as contributing to a person’s wellbeing.

he said that his forte was massage
and she enjoyed every minute
then when it was her turn to reciprocate
she worried that her talents did not
lay in that area but
once she started to gently stroke his body
she was overcome by a feeling of wellbeing
and this made her feel as special as
when she was on the receiving end
giving can be as satisfying as receiving
and the closeness resulted in
love and intimacy beyond
what they had experienced before

Touch to stay alive

Without touch babies have been known to die, that’s why attachment in the early years of childhood is so important. We need touch to stay alive. To touch and be touched is the necessity of life. That’s why one of the methods of torture or punishment has been isolation, it can make a person go crazy. It is important to teach children from a young age that sulking (withdrawal) is counter-productive to having their needs and wants met. Communicating what they are feeling is vital to their own wellbeing and future relationship development.

they argued constantly
from early morning and then
when he came home from work
late into the night
sometimes they wouldn’t talk for days
sulking so badly that you could
cut the air with a knife, so to speak
I often wondered how they managed
to get through the day in such an
atmosphere of bitterness and misery
with no touching
then after 13 years they divorced
and took their dysfunctional behaviour
to their new separate relationships
which did not last long either
we need touch to stay alive
in more ways than one

Reincarnation

Some people believe in reincarnation and that the knowledge from past lives is in the unconscious mind to surface as wisdom beyond a person’s years. Others believe that such a notion is simply a belief in the supernatural which is unscientific. Then again I am more inclined to believe the notion that as we evolve as human beings, to a certain extent we inherit the thought processes experienced in previous generations. It is interesting how different notions attract different believers. Whatever we believe in, the main thing is that as long as it helps us treat others appropriately then we will avoid using crutches (addictions) to live our lives.

sometimes my grandchildren
who are all under 12 years of age
say the most amazing things
for their age, that is
and I wonder where all
that wisdom comes from
I mean – thoughts over and above
what they have learnt from us
a wisdom beyond their years
is it I wonder simply
that we underestimate
children’s way of thinking
just because they are so young?

Family of origin

When someone comes into recovery from addiction, dependency, emotional illness, or a loss of some kind, an important step is to share about their family of origin story. This is vital to recovery because some issues get buried unknowingly and can fester, affecting the person’s behaviour for years. On the other hand, also remembering the positive things about their family of origin can contribute to their recovery. This process can help a person improve the relationship with their family of origin, if appropriate to do so.

she used to hate going home for
important times such as Christmas
and as we spoke it became apparent that
the angst she felt was valid
but at other times unwarranted
nevertheless because she had
not dealt with these issues
resentments had be debilitating
both to her and her family
so she made a plan to
approach her family of origin
and be honest about how she felt
regarding certain past events
not forgetting to make amends too
when it was appropriate to do so
I reminded her not to be
attached to the outcome and
then the process could set her free

Being caring and loving

When children are young, parents have the responsibility of being caring and loving. Also setting limits is important so that they may learn to be self-disciplined as required. A fine balance is needed between being firm and being too strict, because anything too extreme will impair their relationship skills. As role models we show them how to live life fully and with happiness. Love, fun and being responsible will help them to survive Life’s ups and downs. Then comes the time when parents need to stand back and let them make the choices they want. That is sometimes the hardest part of being a parent. Especially when the parent is on the receiving end of an unpleasant decision. Nevertheless it is an art for the parent ‘to know when to play and know when to walk away’, emotionally, that is. That’s because it is always best to remember that they are now adults and parents need to lead by example to maintain a loving relationship.

as the mother spoke about her doings and plans
her daughter expressed her frustrations about this
as their interaction became strained
it was obvious there had been a misunderstanding
but fortunately they were able to change
by being caring and loving
and then the problem was resolved
as they parted on good terms
each one was more aware of
the other’s expectations and needs