Affie Adagio – Page 25 – Dr Affie Adagio

Addiction is lying

A main symptom of addiction is lying. Lying to yourself (denial) and lying to others. ‘The eyes are the windows to the soul’, that’s how the expression goes and it’s real. When addicts lie they believe that others can’t tell that they are not telling the truth. That is why it is important to communicate what we see to an addict instead of being too embarrassed to say that they look stoned, drunk or that they seem to be concealing something. The best way to do that is to say that their eyes are giving the game away and then let go of the outcome. In other words, don’t expect an addict to own up straight off. Instead say what you see and feel, and then be prepared to walk away rather than argue the point.

I was running a halfway house meeting
for men in recovery from drug addiction
one of the guys came late and made a feeble excuse
and his behaviour was suspicious
I felt uncomfortable and so I asked him
what he had used?
he denied it vehemently
addiction is lying
I then repeated my question, unemotionally
and he owned up that he had used codeine
saying that usually he got away with his lies
I then offered to take him to a detox unit
as the house rule stipulated so that
he would be given one more chance
to come back
I had trusted my gut feeling and
he gave up the lie
it’s as simple as that!

Wedding car

Whether it is an extravagant wedding or one on a low budget, having a wedding car for the event can be dreamlike. Sometimes the car that you know you will not ever be able to own can make such a difference to have for that special day. It is also not as expensive as it may sound. Search around and you’ll see that it’s possible to get the wedding car of your dreams.

she had that sparkle in her eyes as
they spoke about their wedding plans
it was so exciting and she hesitated
as we discussed the transport
then he clarified the situation by
mentioning that they both had
wished for the wedding car to
be something elegant
but they were afraid of the cost
I mentioned that there’s not
much difference in the price
but rather it depends on finding
the company that uses the
wedding car that they like
so they went away to search
for their heart’s desire

Relationship dance

Research has shown that in a roomful of people we unconsciously choose a person who will do a relationship dance with us which suites our present need. That need can be healthy or not, a happy one or full of misery – depending on our self esteem level. There may be unfinished business with our parents and we choose someone to be attracted to who will give us the opportunity to resolve those issues.

Although we know that it’s not good to
fall in love with someone who reminds us
of one of our parents, nevertheless,
it happens so often unknowingly
the relationship dance that follows
can make us or break us
all in the name of being in love
her first husband reminded her of
her charismatic neurotic mother
whilst her second husband reminded her
of her gentle dignified father
neither marriages turned out
no wonder, but she resolved many issues
and said that perhaps her third marriage
will have a better outcome

Power of Music

The power of music can be easily overlooked. Notice which songs or tunes grab your heartstrings – varies with your mood doesn’t it? When we are in a good mood, happy songs complement our mood. When we feel unhappy, songs that are sad and almost like crying make us feel supported in that mood. When we are happy, hearing sad songs can be annoying. Residents of institutions, recovering from mental illness, can become more settled in their mood if classical music is playing. Research showed that monks listening to baroque music became more productive, similarly monks who chanted had the same productive outcome. Sometimes when I’m listening to sad music I can feel myself crying inside and at other times I feel impatient and need to change the music to something unemotional or perhaps classical. Music also helps me to be more aware of ‘where I’m at’.

when I ran halfway houses for people
recovering from addictions or
residential homes for wards of the state
it was apparent that
the music playing in the house
affected their moods
so I recommended that they avoid
as much as possible
heavy metal or loud thumping music
and this not only made a huge difference
to their inner peace and wellbeing
but also helped them feel more empowered
choosing to listen to such music in
shorter spurts and at
more appropriate times
for them and everybody else

Family of origin

When someone comes into recovery from addiction, dependency, emotional illness, or a loss of some kind, an important step is to share about their family of origin story. This is vital to recovery because some issues get buried unknowingly and can fester, affecting the person’s behaviour for years. On the other hand, also remembering the positive things about their family of origin can contribute to their recovery. This process can help a person improve the relationship with their family of origin, if appropriate to do so.

she used to hate going home for
important times such as Christmas
and as we spoke it became apparent that
the angst she felt was valid
but at other times unwarranted
nevertheless because she had
not dealt with these issues
resentments had be debilitating
both to her and her family
so she made a plan to
approach her family of origin
and be honest about how she felt
regarding certain past events
not forgetting to make amends too
when it was appropriate to do so
I reminded her not to be
attached to the outcome and
then the process could set her free

Intimacy

People need intimacy to feel fulfilled in life. Intimacy means more than just sex. Intimacy means being close enough to someone so that we are able to be honest about our innermost feelings – positive or negative. Intimacy can make us feel blissful and complete. Without intimacy we slip into dishonesty, defensiveness and ego inflation. Although a strength, intimacy can be fearful to contemplate. Sometimes in a relationship we argue because the ‘making up’ process brings back the intimacy that has slipped away.

they were arguing more and more
and came to me to see what was wrong
as we spoke about their life process
it became apparent that they were
both absorbed with their own work
and had little time left for their
relationship enjoyments
and they had not noticed that
this meant there was a lack of
intimacy between them unless
they argued and then ‘made up’
simple but important to know
and rectifiable

Wedding cake

When you are planning a wedding, whether you have an elegant cake or a simple creation, a wedding cake provides the romantic touch to a celebration. It is best to research and find a caterer who can make the type of wedding cake that you like and at a price you can afford. For example, a Croquembouche – the authentic French wedding cake made up of profita rolls stuck together with toffee and decorated by ribbons.

they came to see me about their marriage
my part as a celebrant was easy but
there was conflict over the celebration
as the bride wanted an elegant wedding
but the groom was concerned about the cost
I helped them to find creative solutions
to make their day special and memorable
and their wedding cake was vital to this

Children expressing themselves

As commented by Robert Shields regarding my post called Tools of Serenity, I agree it is true that children are wonderful to work with. Their innocence is inspiring and they can express their innermost thoughts and feelings in a way beyond their years. We often try to protect children from expressing themselves, whereas if we encourage them to say what is in their hearts not only is it good for them but we learn from them too. Children expressing themselves is a lesson to adults.

As I listened to my granddaughter’s words
I was enthralled by her ability to express her
innermost feelings in such depth
children expressing themselves is
such an enlightening process
which we adults underestimate
and need to encourage in them

Loyalty and love

When we think of loyalty and love it is an underestimated partnership. For love to grow and become lasting we need to be clear about our priorities and how they rate in our relationships. What we need should be a priority with our partner as should be the same in return for us. How often do we overlook an agreement or a promise to someone close because we take our love for granted. In such a case love becomes contaminated because when our needs are not given priority we feel slighted and hurt. So loyalty and love need each other for a fulfilling outcome.

when I was late for my friend
I felt so embarrassed and
could not say sorry enough
then I compared how I treated
my partner when I was late
and realised that
loyalty and love loses in
the translation in such
a partnership
and yet if in return
my partner keeps me waiting
I have felt that it was a sign
of disrespect
it is always helpful to
assess our behaviour in
a loving relationship
as we would towards
a friend and then
it is a fairer assessment

9/11 tragedy

Every year we are reminded of the 9/11 tragedy in the USA. It is so painful to think of how much everyone suffered, while we watched from our end of the world safe and sound.? What amazes me is how come the strongest nation in the world has not be able to catch the perpetrators who originated the plan to kill so many innocent people.? Of course, we are not safe here unless we prepare for the worst.? Nevertheless, peace needs to be our first priority.

peace will bring us happiness
not without remembering what
has happened in the past
lest we forget all those
who have died for us