Dr Affie Adagio – Page 11 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Coffee addiction

Everyone who loves coffee enjoys the taste and the lift it gives, as well as the social interaction that goes with having coffee with people – friends or business colleagues. It is considered safer than alcohol or other excesses but needless to say coffee addiction is dangerous. How many people do you know who have reached the stage of needing to reduce the number of coffees they have in a day because of doctor’s orders? As I see it if you like coffee, better to drink a safe number of coffees per day than to have to do without it completely, should it get out of hand.

I prefer a cup of tea to a cup of coffee
yet when we are out my first reaction is
to ask if anyone wants to have a coffee?
which surprises me immensely
I realise it is a socialisation outcome
just the thought of going out and
having a cup of coffee over a chat
appeals to me whereas
a cup of tea is something I
have at home or with breakfast out

cup, photo by Uli Bartels, Berlin Germany

sex with no shame

Any sexual activity that does not hurt another person and takes place between consenting adults is sex with no shame. This does not mean something that involves rape or violation of a person’s rights including children. If you are not sure check it out with someone you respect who is knowledgeable about legal and moral issues.

They spoke to me about their sex that
keeps them close and happy
it was unusual in many ways
compared to most sexual acts which
are supported by our society
she felt worried that it was shameful
I asked who was it hurting and
they responded no one but that
their parents would be disgusted
if they knew but then they realised that
this is their private life and no one has
the right to know or judge
instead they need to enjoy the
happiness they share
and have sex with no shame

Magic of fantasy

Weddings come about at the moment when lovers reach a peak in the love they have for each other and want to celebrate that feeling. It’s the magic of fantasy that results in being with the one you love and planning the celebration of a lifetime which when done efficiently remains a beautiful memory. It is important when planning this event that your every consideration is given to how you will feel when you remember the occasion later, so avoid arguments and holding grudges. Then when you look back on that memorable day it will maintain the magic of fantasy.

Valerie and Robert wanted their marriage ceremony
to be something as special as the feeling they
have for each other
so they chose a lovely park which had
several different gardens where
performances took place
Japanese musicians in one garden
children reading poetry in another
whilst a choir sang in a third
finally I conducted the official ceremony
in the last garden as the guests held
small burning candles
it was indeed the magic of fantasy

Magic lamp, photo by Asif Akbar, Mumbai, India, www.commonsenseindia.com

People helping people

It is so important to belong to a community of like minded people. It prevents isolation. It provides social activities and above all it gives us support when we need it. Furthermore, providing service to the community is also a healthy activity and can be quite fulfilling. However, it is vital that we avoid gossip and that we practise good people skills otherwise the purpose is defeated. People helping people is a basic necessity for happiness and fulfillment.

sometimes we teach what we need to learn
and Jessie paid attention to the message she gave
to the people who came to her for assistance
so although she was giving service because she
found it rewarding she also was mindful about
what it meant to her wellbeing
and the lesson she got for herself today was that
she was glad to be free of the obsession
that others were still struggling with

Sulking is such a waste

Many people resort to sulking when they are not pleased with someone’s behaviour. It is aimed at getting attention in the hope that the other person asks “what’s up” and then the sulker says “nothing”. The dance goes on until finally the sulker is convinced to share their hurt. Surely it is far healthier to learn how to be up front and honest about how you feel than doing this attention dance which can be such a waste and it causes resentments in relationships. We need to teach our children too how to communicate their needs openly to spare them resorting to sulking to get their way which in the end costs them.

the little girl was 8 and her mother had deserted them
so the father compensated by taking his daughter
to the movies 3 times a week for a while
it was an escape and took his mind off the pain
then he decided to stop overdosing on movies
but his daughter had her heart set on going that night
so she stood at the window looking out and sulking
after about one hour he asked her what was the matter?
in a good sulking pose she said “nothing”
so he went about cooking for the next day
another hour passed and she got tired of the act
and jumped at the opportunity to stop sulking when
he told her it was late and to get ready for bed!
it was a lesson not easily forgotten because
it served her no purpose

Beyond the sea, photo by Tolga KOSTAK, Izmir, Turkey, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/677811

Visualisation means success

It is vital to not give up on our goals. Just because they don’t easily come true does not mean they won’t later, so keep visualising what you dream. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, although it could, just keep affirming what you desire and picture it in your mind’s eye. It’s a form of programming your mind to do what you instruct it to do. Set aside negative thoughts and hang on to the positive ones so that the program stays clear and firm. Visualisation means success

at a Life Strategies Workshop I joined other participants in
planning a personal goal to manage my finances better
I had a habit of spending money as soon as it came to me
whether I was being slap happy with my spending or not
that is disputable!
what was not disputable was that money came to me
and as it did I spent it, not leaving much for emergencies
I changed my way of thinking and visualised that
I would make sure I created a ‘kitty’
it took one and half years to do just that
but now I am visualising getting another car
smaller and more efficient to run
in the meantime the visualisation for becoming healthy
in my food addiction recovery has eventuated

Simple but sentimental ceremony

Getting married is important and there are those who want a simple but sentimental ceremony for their special day. The basic requirements need to be observed which are: who would you like to have present; where do you want this to take place; what are you going to wear; are you having a meal afterwards; and most importantly have you taken care of making an appointment with a celebrant to prepare a Notice of Intended Marriage at least 1 month and 1 day before the event – see the wedding ceremony checklist on this site.

Jessica and Harry are getting married soon
so they brought their papers for me to sight
and we spent a short time discussing what
sort of celebration they envisaged
it was to be at Mrs Macquarie’s Chair
with the Harbour Bridge and Opera House
in the background as they stood underneath
a huge Oak tree – a popular choice
I could see the excitement in their eyes
perhaps the lack of stress added to it being
a simple but sentimental ceremony

Wedding-ring 5, photo by Miroslav Sári?ka, Prievidza, Slovakia, http://ms-webdesign.sk

Addiction to touching

Laurie commented on my post called Touch to stay alive asking whether it is possible to be addicted to touching, because she feels it may be her compulsion as she was deprived of touch? This compulsion is a symptom of codependence and love addiction which have the underlying characteristics of low self esteem, fear of intimacy and lack of trust, to name a few. In such a case we become addicted to touch and yet attracting more deprivation. Recovery will ease the pain because we learn how to give and receive affection in a healthy manner. Otherwise we attract those who reject us or those who are needy.

I recommend reading Pia Mellody’s books Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction. It is important to understand how in a relationship we can either be a love addict or an avoidant – the “back walking away”. We can switch roles too, which comes with fear of intimacy, low self esteem and lacking in trust. In recovery we learn to think rationally.

Recovery is also possible through belonging to self help groups like CoDA and SLAA, where it extremely invaluable to hear how members have found recover.y. Sometimes therapy is also needed with an experienced, qualified therapist who specialises in codependence and love addiction.

Hands, photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert, Concord, United States,

Dysfunctional behaviour in the media

How many times have we seen inappropriate behaviour in the media. Which comes first dysfunctional behaviour in real life and then depicted in the media, or behaviour role modelled in the media which we copy in real life? It is commonly thought that what happens in real life comes first. But how many times have we seen adult friends slapping each other around in real life as has been on TV? I haven’t once seen any such behaviour in real life that has not caused major emotional and physical hurt. I remember the Dynasty arch enemies, Linda Evans and Joan Collins, wrestling in their diamonds and designer clothes whilst falling into the swimming pool, making people laugh. Surely we must be more responsible for what behaviour examples we support in the media because ‘monkey see, monkey do’ and people can repeat dysfunctionality just because it appears popular in the media.

a client came to see me about her violent partner
she had a black eye and it was not the first time
I asked her what was she going to do about it
and she laughed nervously saying that he was
really sorry and promised not to do it again
and she would trust him once more
because he professed his love for her
eventually she realised how dangerous it got
and started a new life without him
just in time, I thought

Girl 3, photo by ophelia cherry, Soresina,Italy, http://www.nelshael.com/ophelia

Purpose and direction

To be happy we need to have purpose and direction in life. Planning a timetable can create the feeling of productivity which leads to happiness and contentment. Of course, it is important that we avoid making lists which we don’t act on. Sometimes that happens when we feel anxious and in making the list we gain relief but not carrying out the tasks we can feel unnecessarily guilty and is self-defeating.

she made a list and backed it up with the
relevant affirmations but
on a daily basis she only achieved
one or two tasks off the list!
that led to the realisation that
not only was she suffering from burnout but at least
on the bright side she was doing one or two tasks at a time
which made her feel better, little by little
nevertheless purpose and direction lessened the stress
and the outcome was rewarding