Dr Affie Adagio – Page 12 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Botanic Gardens weddings

Mrs. Macquarie’s Chair in the Royal Botanic Gardens is a popular choice for weddings. Such beauty and romance magically touches a wedding. A picture to see under the huge trees with the Opera House and the Sydney Harbour Bridge in the background, on glistening harbour waters. A sight to remember, as can be seen in the photo in the celebrant section on this site.Other bridal parties have their ceremonies elsewhere and go there to have the wedding photos in the beautiful surroundings with its ambiance.

they met on a business trip to her country
and it was like being zapped by a bolt of lightening
for many years they lived happily together, then one day
they decided it was time to celebrate their happiness
when they saw the wedding photo with the
Sydney Opera House and the Harbour Bridge
they were convinced that this was the ideal spot
a Botanic Gardens wedding meant romantic memories
both for the wedding party and for those living overseas
who could not travel to Sydney for the celebration

How to attract a functional relationship

To attract a functional relationship we need to know how to avoid attracting dysfunctional ones. I agree with the school of thought that we attract dysfunctional relationships because we unconsciously want a partner who will do a particular relationship dance with us. Why we choose such a dysfunctional dance has possibly three reasons:

(1) because this dysfunctional relationship dance is familiar and we know how to handle it;
(2) because it resembles a dysfunctional relationship we have experienced before (perhaps parents’ relationship) and we want to end it the way it should have been ended before;
(3) because it resembles a dysfunctional relationship we have experienced before and we want to make it functional – through therapy or other means.

In order to attract a functional relationship we need to be clear about what we are looking for, and why? In other words expose any hidden agendas. We need to be clear that the aim of being in a relationship is to have companionship and intimacy based on harmonious negotiations. This means the ability to resolve conflict productively and sometimes it may mean respectfully agreeing to disagree. Any fool can be abusive but it takes a smart person to be sensitive about a sticky situation. Then the outcome can satisfy both parties.

In Love, photo by Meliha Gojak, Sarajevo, Bosnia Herzegovina

Freedom from food addiction

In response to my comments on food addiction, Mandy and Tiffany shared about their own struggle and reached out for help. They are not alone and there is hope for freedom from food addiction. A wise person once said to me “some things you cannot do alone – freedom from addiction is one of those things”. So here are some suggestions that may help.

First make a plan for what you want to achieve and make sure it has a healthy outcome.Then look at these options and find more for yourself to choose from.

1. get an addictions therapist to guide you and support you on your journey
2. attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings (based on AA 12 Steps program)
3. attend Smart Recovery meetings (based on CBT & REBT models)
4. look at Carbohydrate Addicts Centre program (see link on my home page)
5. If you live in Sydney – contact me on 02 9214 7529 for an appointment (I am also available via Skype for phone appointments)

she battled with food addiction just as
an alcoholic does with the urge to drink
she remembered the advice of an AA elder
who said “just get your bum on a seat until
the miracle happens”
so she attended meetings of like-minded people
who suffered with the same demons and she shared
about all the negative feelings she had buried until
she became bored with being bored and then
she realised she needed to review her plan and
sure enough she tweaked her recovery until it worked
she had expressed and released her misery and found
the tools to change her way of thinking and feeling
nevertheless the most important thing was to remember
that it was up to her to make the difference
and that she did!

Cookie, photo by Kathryn McCallum

Planning your relationship

Maranda made a comment on my post about a blueprint for relationships – “…Oh, let me tell you – it DOES NOT work!” When you think that making a blueprint for your ideal relationship doesn’t work, then you are doomed to have dysfunctional relationships. Everything in life depends on good planning. So planning your relationship together with your partner is being smart. Marriage counselling agencies have sessions or workshops aimed at enhancing relationships. Marriage celebrants are compelled by the government, to recommend that couples have such an experience before they get married. This is a valuable, practical exercise which can also be modified to use whenever there is a “pinch” in the relationship.

when I worked as a marriage and family therapist
for a well known agency in Sydney I was also trained to
carry out tests to assist couples to prepare for marriage
the tests could be sent off to a computer analysis firm
and once returned to us, the couple and I
processed the results together
often there were areas that the couple had
assumed would not be a problem until
they saw what their answers revealed
so with that information they would
make a basic plan to ensure that the
relationship had a good foundation

Self love or codependence

An important part of being in recovery from codependence is having a healthy relationship with self. In other words, the choice is self love or codependence. A comment from Maranda on my post about having a relationship with self shows how difficult it is for some to conceptualise this – “Nice theory… How can you start “loving yourself” in real life, I wonder?” Some people can only feel lovable when someone else loves them and then they see themselves through someone else’s eyes. No one can make you feel in a certain way unless you allow yourself to feel that way to begin with. So the ability to feel one way or another comes from within. The same way that you can feel terrible about your self, you can feel confident about yourself and, therefore, feel lovable – that’s self love. To hand over your power about how you feel is codependence or being neurotic.

Loretta came home with her small children and
found his clothes gone!
she managed to get the toddlers bathed, fed and to sleep
then she collapsed as the reality hit her
what happened? how come she didn’t know?
how did he expect them to survive without him?
she got through the night without any sleep
then the next day she was in ‘shell shock’
but the next night, too exhausted to stay awake
she drifted off believing that without him she
would be forever alone raising their children
it never occurred to her that she was lovable
at 25 she thought she would live alone forever!
fortunately, she remembered that she is lovable
and when faced with self love or codependence
she chose to focus on the relationship with self
he came back but in time she just sent him away
because she discovered that she deserved better

Procrastination affects us differently

I have written several posts on procrastination because it is such a traumatic experience and common to many of us. Procrastination affects us differently – some worse than others, as can be seen by Terry’s comment below. Regardless of how immobilised you feel when procrastination takes hold, there are different strategies that you can choose from to assist you. The most effective technique or strategy is that you learn how to relax so as to let go of the fear the task is causing you. Then give yourself permission to wait until you feel ready to begin. Plan a small step to begin your task once you have relaxed – the momentum will overcome your procrastination. You can find what works for you or you can choose to be a victim of procrastination. You may need some professional assistance to overcome the block.

What about when the procrastination paralyses you and when you are unprepared you perform badly and feel awful and embarrassed. Its as if something inside is hoping for failure. Or when you have a deadline for a task and leave it till the last minute and the stress builds up but there is a block to complete the task. Terry

me myself and i, photo by Davide Farabegoli, Milano, Italy, howto relax

Happy Easter

Easter for Christians means celebrating the resurrection of Christ – the Greeks on Easter Sunday say “Christ has risen” as they smash an egg with another person who responds “truly risen” followed by having a feast. Easter in Australia is celebrated by many with chocolate eggs in coloured, silver or gold paper – a delight for children and adults alike, and a long weekend holiday of four days. Easter was also a pagan celebration before Christ and that was celebrated with dyed or painted eggs representing fertility, everyone partied and had fun.

my daughter and her family are overseas
my son is in France on a working trip so
my grandchildren and my daughter-in-law
took me to the movies to see Wild Hogs
and we laughed and laughed
then dinner out and exchanged chocolate eggs
and a Greek easter bun and red dyed eggs
what a Happy Easter it turned out to be

It’s only food

How many times have we wondered how a person can be out of control with food, after all it’s only food. Nevertheless so many are afflicted with an eating disorder – either overeating or undereating. It is a life threatening addiction. People who suffer with anorexia lose so much weight that their organs waste away and finally stop working. Those who suffer with bulimia have their insides torn up from the binging and purging. Those who are overeaters stress their organs with the excess weight and are at risk of developing diabetes, or when they already have it then they risk loss of limbs and death. Those who overeat and don’t put on too much weight have raised cholesterol which can reach dangerous levels and they don’t deal with their condition because they don’t believe it is dangerous. Then there is the madness of this addiction where we are preoccupied with food all the time – being driven or compelled to eat in order to satisfy the urge which is insatiable. Only in recovery are we free from that obsession and compulsion, and then we experience the feeling of serenity.

as I sat watching a movie in my lounge room
I enjoyed sipping my cup of tea after dinner
how great it is to be in recovery
free from struggling with my mind being
constantly in my fridge, wondering
what I could eat next and knowing
it wouldn’t be enough – insatiable
that was then and this is now
it feels so great to be satisfied and
enjoying the movie in serenity
at peace at last
after all it’s only food
but what a demon it can be!

Overcoming fear

The worst part of fear is that we can become immobilised by it. In other words, we become frozen like a ‘stunned mullett’ when we are fearful and not able to make decisions to even save ourselves. There are several steps to take in order to cope with fear so that it does not debilitate us. First we need to breathe evenly in a rounded fashion – this will help us relax; then we need to imagine how it will feel to be a part of the solution and how rewarding that will be; finally we need to take action instead of just sitting and waiting for it to get better. There are probably other steps that may suit you personally, so note them and make sure you can recall them when you are next experiencing fear.

the boss was autocratic and prided himself on
being masculine or “macho” in his approach
his staff had been full of fear and either moved on
or everyone was miserable at work!
eventually they overcame their fear and
spoke to him about how badly they felt
and to their surprise he realised that it was
risky for his business that his staff are unhappy
so he put in a plan to involve them in the decisions
and give them a voice to keep him informed
about his behaviour and how it affected productivity
in time they realised that he was indeed smart to be
willing to change his approach for the sake of his business
and that overcoming their fear and asserting themselves
made a huge difference for their wellbeing

The key to success, photo by Jocilyn Pope, London, United Kingdom, assertiveness

Setting limits with children

An important part of childrearing is setting limits, especially when children are very young. The hard part is making sure that setting limits is done through education – letting the child know why we are saying “no” to something, not just refusing. Another vital part of this education process is that we keep our voices factual rather than critical or shaming, otherwise the lesson is lost and the child just feels oppressed. It is hard for us to remember this when children are young, because usually the pace of living is stressful for everybody and being relaxed and calm seems impossible. Also we are in denial at that time about our behaviour and how uptight we are. Children feel the full brunt of harsh, unexplained limit-setting and it affects their self esteem badly. This can result in serious rebellious behaviour in childhood and all the way through to adult relationships.

at four years of age she is the cutest
and she is very aware of ‘living the good life’
as I babysat my granddaughter in the hotel suite
she declared that she wanted stuff from the mini bar
I had to be very careful how I refused her
tonight we were going to eat
in the restaurant downstairs which
my nine year old grandson had been
given the honour to escort us to
I began with “no, darling”
the disappointment in her eyes showed
that there was anger bubbling deep inside
so I sat down near her and pointed out that
using the mini bar costs too much
her eyes mellowed and this showed that
the information made sense, so she seemed at peace
after the delicious meal downstairs
we enjoyed watching the movie Happy Feet, in the suite