Dr Affie Adagio – Page 27 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Double standards

Angela commented on my post on infidelity

“Others yet believe that infidelity is OK for them. They will justify and rationalise it and will be willing to murder (literally and metaphorically) their partner if the latter dares do the same. What sort of people are these? And to add insult to injury they will moralise and talk about values in public!”

Angela, it is one thing to have infidelity as a mutual relationship choice and another to behave in the dysfunctional manner which you describe. To even consider murdering for any reason is indicative of a person’s mental instability.

Furthermore, those people who practise infidelity and expect their partner to be monogamous have double standards. That is definitely not the concept I was describing as part of an open marriage. Not very many people have the emotional maturity to live in a truly open marriage without double standards and that is why the majority of couples choose to place fidelity as the foundation of their relationship.

Again whether they succeed in having a monogamous relationship or an open one, it depends on their emotional maturity and commitment to the choice they have made.

I’ll be happy when…

How many times have we said “I’ll be happy when…” and we give numerous reasons such as after the lottery win, after the weight loss, after the dream job and so on? The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow holds the promise of bliss. Even if that happens, and it has sometimes, we don’t know what to do with ourselves – there’s delayed shock to overcome before we can enjoy the prize. Nevertheless, for some of us we still can’t cope with the fact that something good has actually happened. Stop wishing for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and become proactive about your happiness.

as he shared his ideas about how they
could overcome their financial difficulties
I turned to her expecting to see relief in her face
but instead she looked as though
someone had just died
“what?!” I asked
she said that until it happens
the worry will still plague her
when she realised she was doing the
“I’ll be happy when…” routine
the insight set her free of negativity
and she could enjoy the moment

Pot of gold 2, photo by Kim Beardsmore, Kellyville, Australia, wishes, dreams

Wedding Ceremony Checklist

Decide on the type of wedding – religious or civil

Civil: contact a celebrant no later than 1 month and 1 day before the wedding date

With the celebrant of your choice complete a Notice of Intended Marriage form

Together with the celebrant plan the type of ceremony you want

Choose the wedding vows which will be used – could be just the legal words or more

Choose the venue for the ceremony

Choose the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids, grooms men, witnesses (2)

Decide on and order the outfits to be worn by the bride, groom and wedding party

Music to be played – can be a musician friend playing a musical instrument

Decide on who will do a reading – this can have meaning

Arrange catering and the wedding cake

Ensure that the wedding ring or rings are ordered

Order the flowers

Choose at which shop to have a wedding register for people to purchase your gifts

Send out wedding invitations at least 8 weeks before the wedding, allowing for RSVPs

Arrange for the photography and filming of the wedding

Arrange transport for the bridal party and for those who do not have cars

Remember to purchase small gifts for the bridal party

Consider mementos to be given to the guests – may be sugar coated almonds in hankies

Choose where you will spend the honeymoon and make arrangements for this

Purchase going away outfits for after the reception, and for the honeymoon

Cutural differences

Cultural differences can sometimes be too daunting in a relationship. This is because there are such varying norms between one culture and another that it takes a lifetime to be oriented to them. In one culture offspring are expected to leave home as soon as possible after the age of 16 years so as to learn about living skills. Yet in another culture it is considered irresponsible for parents to not keep their children in the safety of the their home until they are old enough and ready to set up a home of their own with a partner. These differences can sometimes be impossible to overcome in a relationship whilst other times they enhance a couple’s outlook on life. It all depends on what a couple wishes to get out of life.

they came to see me because
their families were against their union
claiming that the cultural differences not only
would cause problems in their lives but also bring
despair to their children once they were born
this really worried them but they were in love
and had lived happily together for some time
without any difficulty
they had close friends and
were successful in their careers,
talking about it with a professional
made it clearer for them that
the life they already had would be
a good foundation for bringing
their children into the world and
providing them with a
healthy and happy lifestyle

Love 1, photo by Sara Hammarback, Stockholm, Sweden, loving relationship

Lottery

Some people are delighted about buying lottery or lotto tickets because it gives them hope. Other people are opposed to this because they believe that buying lotteries is a waste of time and money, as the odds are against winning. Yet people do win against all odds. For a small fee a person buys the anticipation of a dream come true. When this is within reason as far as cost and emotional investment, then it is a form of lifting one’s spirits momentarily. People need to stay in tune with the impact this activity has on them. Making sure that they do not spend amounts of money they cannot afford and that it does not result in feelings of excessive frustration but rather fun and delight.

buying a $2 lottery puts a smile on my face
even better – subscribing to charity lotteries
not only gives me a lift in spirits but also
importantly provides support to people
who benefit from our donations
a win-win activity
as I participate my thoughts go to
the people who are helped by the small
amount of money it costs me and
the huge benefit I have from dreaming
how I would spend the winnings!
I also remember the elderly couple
I know who did win a million
when they were at their worst
that wonderful story
also brightens my decision
to buy a ticket!

Deprivation versus indulgence

When a person is in the clutches of addiction they experience feelings of deprivation versus indulgence. In other words they are torn between abstaining from the drug of choice to giving into what they crave. Often this is due to experiences in their childhood where they perceived their parents to be at times too strict and then quite the opposite when they were generous. Such inconsistent behaviour is damaging to young children. A person then becomes confused about their self parenting skills and they too swing from one extreme to another. Until they find recovery, when they discover how to have serenity. Then developing a healthy relationship with self is the final outcome.

I struggled and struggled with my food cravings
and feelings of deprivation versus indulgence
attending self help programs and therapy
and participating in countless
personal development courses
I moaned and groaned about
my predicament as I explored my childhood
as well as being examined for biological reasons
no easy answer while I was in denial about
my willingness to resolve the issue
then one day after much dedication and
sitting with painful feelings
instead of suppressing them
I befriended my demons and
developed the relationship with self
now I feel free of cravings and deprivation
and food is just for nutrition not comfort

Basic wedding format

Weddings, whether formal or not, have a certain essential format. First, the couple need to find a celebrant and make a Notice of Intended Marriage at least 1 month and 1 day before the wedding date. If it is a religious ceremony then a church is the appropriate place. However, if a religious ceremony is not desired then a civil marriage celebrant who is appointed by the Attorney General’s Department is the appropriate person to conduct their wedding. At this initial meeting the wedding vows are considered.

Second, the couple chooses the venue and the type of ceremony required – this can be with some help from the celebrant. For the more detailed arrangements a wedding planner is ideal if the couple can afford it, otherwise, many people have managed without one.

Next to be considered is how many attendants and the outfits and flowers preferred for the bridal party – usually the bride’s choice in consultation with the groom. Sometimes small gifts are offered to the attendants for their participation. At some weddings each guest is given a memento of the occasion such as sugar coated almonds in a hanky, or a fresh flower.

The next decision is whether there will be a reception and where? Also the catering requirements such as a wedding cake – depending on the budget set. Flowers and decorations come into this category as well as entertainment. Sometimes close friends can provide entertainment or carry out readings for the ceremony which can be quite artistic. Usually, a photographer to take the stills or film the celebration can be a friend or a professional can be hired.

Here you have a basic format which can be added to or changed for individual preferences, and which is also an enjoyable process for the bride and groom.

Wedding 1, photo by Marcos Santos, Tatui, Brazil, getting married

Living skills

Throughout the world people are faced with everyday dramas. What helps everyone get fulfilment in their lives regardless of these dramas is their living skills. Living skills or life strategies are learned behaviours we use to overcome life’s obstacles. When people are able to recognise their own feelings as assets and not fear them, which means they befriend their demons, then they are using life strategies. Having purpose and direction motivates us into living fuller lives and that too is using life strategies. These abilities are innate, that is, such living skills come naturally but because of life’s ravages we need to purposefully set aside time to consciously refresh these skills. This needs to be done in a safe environment with a qualified facilitator – a Life Strategies Workshop.

he told me that he did not want to
go with her to a life strategies workshop
because he thought only losers needed that
I asked him if he felt the same about using
the services of a doctor, accountant or lawyer?
he admitted that he did not and with this
he realised that going to a workshop where
a professional would facilitate the process
of refreshing his living skills to manage life efficiently
was indeed no different to turning to any other
professional resource person
this insight meant that he got full benefit
from the life strategies workshop

Globe, photo by Elvis Santana, Hialeah, United States, elightenment, development

Formative years

When a child is born we have a huge responsibility to be nurturing and caring especially for its formative years because it is so vulnerable and precious. That initial treatment has long-lasting benefits. However, should those childhood experiences be traumatic and filled with abuse or neglect, then there are serious consequences to the child’s growth. Such trauma can cause low self esteem in a person, resulting in them turning to feelgoods to cope better. Such feelgoods as becoming addicted to substances or processes to fill the void inside and ease the pain.

as they cuddled their new born baby
their gentleness and love showed
I knew how long they had waited
now they planned their parenting skills
not too fussy and overprotective
nor too busy and emotionally absent
so important to get a good balance
careful not to treat the baby as a toy
make sure there is a routine so
the baby gets proper rest and yet
ensuring that limits are set early on
they knew that these are
the formative years for
good self esteem and healthy living

Intimacy creates bliss

At the beginning of a relationship we experience bliss. Intimacy creates bliss. Intimacy is the closeness which exists between two people. This closeness is a combination of love, friendship, trust and passion or sexual desire. That’s the honeymoon phase of a relationship – the time when we think alike, understand each other implicitly and find so many similarities that it leaves us feeling amazingly connected. Later on in a relationship we may find that our life experiences have caused us to drift apart or distance from each other. Then in order to rejuvenate the relationship we simply spend some quality time together and that ignites the intimacy we once possessed.

I have seen couples move from
upper limits of intimacy and bliss
when they were madly in love
to losing trust and experiencing
resentment towards each other
becoming ready to separate
but wanting to do everything possible
before the end came
so getting in touch with what brought
them together in the first place
and what caused them to lose that
has often resulted in a turnaround
it is true – intimacy creates bliss
with love back in their eyes once more
these are the small miracles of Life