romance – Dr Affie Adagio

Fear of rejection

We pretend to be strong and yet fear of rejection can keep us apart. So many people recoil when they face a criticism. This can be because as a child their parents and or teachers impacted on them in a negative way, whether real or perceived the damage was done. As an adult they are left with scars from those experiences which affect their relationships badly. Others behave in the opposite way – they enjoy the challenge when they are rejected and keeping coming back. Both reactions can be perceived as attractive or unattractive depending on how your needs are met. Nevertheless, we can choose to deal with rejection in a way that makes our lives fulfilled or doomed, it’s all a choice.

Alison had been screaming at her daughter Suzie
for at least half an hour and it felt no better
Suzie quietly got up and said to her mother
that as she was middle aged she chose not to
feel this distress anymore, so she was leaving
Alison screamed out “stay and fight you coward”
and Suzie replied “yes I am a coward and am going”
leaving her mother with her own dysfunctional state
which meant that Alison had to take responsibility
for the insane behaviour she had shown because
there was no one there to blame anything on

(So Sorry after 7yrs and although he had been thanked then, I had to remove the great photo now because the owner asked it be removed so my adorable fear ridden 14 yr Bombay cat Midnight is the replacement photo…Affie 25/9/14)

Escapism

Life can be so stressful that at times it does us good to see some movies that classify as codependent drivel. For women otherwise known as romantic comedies where ‘boy meets girl, they fight, then they end up together and live happily ever after’ and we leave the theatre smiling. This is often called a ‘chick flick’. For men the unbelievable action story where they dodge bullets and explosions and still live through, only to have sex with the perfect female star. As long as we remain aware that these movies are purely a form of escapism, then it is harmless codependent drivel.

my friend, Elizabeth, and I went to the movies
and as we considered which film to see
we spoke of our emotional state
I said I felt like watching something light
perhaps some codependent drivel
and we chuckled thinking about it
to this day I don’t remember what we saw
but I do remember us laughing
and leaving with uplifted spirits

sunset over New York city 4, photo by Dee Fontenot, New York, USA, romantic city

Flirting and seduction

When people first meet, they spend all their time involved with flirting and seduction. That’s what keeps their passion alive. It’s understandable that in time the passion will cool and usually a truer love will grow because nothing stays the same. Nevertheless, it’s so important for the relationship when the flirting is maintained as a ritual, because it keeps love alive, stopping people from becoming too serious.

they noticed that it had been awhile since they
had chuckled, teased, flirted and joked a little
then it became apparent that they hadn’t had
such a great time in a long time, so
they made an agreement to include flirting in
a part of each day to develop the art
rightfully so, not only did they get better at it
but it was such a boost for their relationship
something so simple yet so effective.

Relationship checklist

from:New York Times

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Published: December 17, 2006
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Honeymoon period

Most times when we romantically connect with people, the first phase is called the honeymoon period because it’s a state of ‘love in bloom’. We think alike, we enjoy the same food and drinks. We share the same interests, even to the extent that the men watch ‘chick flicks’ and the women watch ‘action movies’ (usually full of gruesome violence). Just being together is fun. It’s a moment in time that usually lasts for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, as shown by surveys. The relationship can then transform into a loving relationship based on friendship. Couples can customise their relationships to suite themselves and make life fulfilling which will provide a safe environment for their children, if they have any.

he asked her to marry him and
as both had been divorced
as well as having children between them
they discussed two or three vital issues
which they expected to face in marriage
then they agreed on some resolutions
which they could use to avoid disharmony
it was a peaceful, happy, sensual relationship
and above all a friendship based on respect

Wedding day

Being in love is amazing and people like to complete the experience by getting married. The wedding day can be formal or it can be as depicted in this photo, partly formal and partly casual. Whatever it is, the main emphasis needs to be on making the day exciting and unforgettable. As a celebrant I have been a part of many wedding ceremonies which can be seen in the weddings category on this page.

they were in love and well organised
they knew how they wanted to celebrate
their wedding day and it sounded
absolutely fantastic because
it would be on the beach with a
few members of the family
and close friends
they all loved dreamy weddings
and this one was so romantic too

Getting married

Nowadays people have happy relationships without getting married. However, quite often such happy people make a decision to get married because they feel it would enhance their relationship. This can be a smooth uncomplicated process to organise if they work together and if they have similar tastes. The bride usually knows what sort of rings will please her, after all she will be wearing that jewellery every day of her life. So it is wise to have her be a part of the shopping exercise for both her engagement and wedding rings.

they came to me so I would conduct their wedding
my role was fairly simple once we completed the
legal Notice of Intended Marriage form
they needed help with organising the ceremony
as celebrants are not permitted to be wedding planners
the best I could do was give them examples of weddings
which I had experienced previously and this meant
that they had many choices to make from other
peoples ideas and experiences

Pure Gold, photo by Sanja Gjenero, Zagreb, Croatia, getting married

Being desired

Modesty often prevents us from expressing our need to be desired by the people we love. Yet, being desired is integral to our wellbeing and healthy self esteem, no matter how confident we normally are. When we are desired by someone we love, we see ourselves through their eyes and this lifts our spirits. That desire is usually expressed in the form of a cheeky flirt or a romantic gesture and this is guaranteed to make a relationship more intimate. Intimacy is the solid foundation of a successful relationship.

their relationship was once the envy of all
they held hands and loved being together
dancing, embracing, joking and having fun
that was their calling card and everyone
loved to be around them
then they went through a bumpy time
and the arguments started but
fortunately they came to counselling
and one of their problem solving strategies
was to start flirting with each other again
with no commitment to do anything more!
when they did, it put them in touch with
how serious they had become and how
great it was to feel desired again

Notice of Intended Marriage

It is important to remember that when you plan to get married, you need to make a Notice of Intended Marriage application which is witnessed by your Marriage Celebrant (or an authorised official) no later than 1 month and 1 day before the intended marriage date. The celebrant will also need to view your birth certificates and divorce documents (if applicable). If you’re born overseas, a passport and statutory declaration can be accepted if you don’t have a birth certificate. There is no chance that the celebrant can shorten the period to less than the 1 month and 1 day which is required by law. However, the celebrant can write a letter explaining your circumstances which you both could take to your local court for approval of shortening of time. This approval is not easily gained, unless there are exceptional circumstances. Both parties need to be applying before the minimum required time, so be prepared.

she phoned me 2 weeks before New Year’s Eve
and asked me to conduct their wedding at midnight
what’s more she wanted it to be a surprise for him
she assured me that he always wanted them to marry
and all their friends could confirm it, if necessary
I refused saying that it was outside the minimum time
and that both parties needed to sign the
Notice of Intended Marriage before that period
she was angry about my response but
celebrants have no choice in this matter

Blueprint for your ideal relationship

Blueprints are commonly used for important productions, everything from buildings to machinery to gardens and so on. Otherwise known as plans and/or designs, it’s not unusual for people to expect this for successful outcomes. It is easy to have a fulfilling relationship if you are both willing to make a blueprint for your ideal relationship. It means planning at the beginning of the relationship what you want and what you don’t want in your life together. Then making an agreement to go to any lengths to resolve conflict early before it contaminates everything and to nurture your loving relationship. Maintenance is what we do to keep a beautiful garden, or home or car and it’s also what we need to do for our relationships.

they met through a mutual friend and
their relationship strengthened day by day
when he proposed she was not surprised
although they seemed in agreement about
the type of lifestyle they valued
they worked out what was
acceptable and what wasn’t
and how to sort out conflict
a blueprint for their ideal relationship
and it’s paid off because they’ve
had a healthy balance in their relationship
of being friends and lovers
and this has lasted many years
through the ups and downs of life