January 2007 – Page 2 – Dr Affie Adagio

Honeymoon

When lovers begin their lives together as a married couple they go through a sentimental process. They plan their wedding vows, the location of the event, outfits, food, choosing who will be their celebrant, and more. Another aspect of this union is the honeymoon, and this is an important memory for the couple. Whether it’s an expensive honeymoon or not, the couple would do well to ensure that this takes place. Everything that happens to celebrate your wedding creates the memories you will keep all your life. People who place little importance on the honeymoon have lived to regret not going even to somewhere simple. This means whenever they remember their wedding they are perpetually explaining why they didn’t go on a honeymoon. This can be somewhat boring after a while and can also leave an unacceptable memory about the event.

he felt that the wedding was expensive enough
and he couldn’t take enough time off from work
so they weren’t having a honeymoon until next year
I noticed the look on her face as he said this
and I suggested that it wouldn’t be a good idea
to completely do without a honeymoon now
they at least could make it a long weekend
somewhere nearby and not expensive
where they could treasure this moment
and remember it for the rest of their lives?
they visited me after their honeymoon
to say that it was the best thing they had done
as they relaxed and enjoyed their time together
giving them great memories and photos

Children need love, so parents chill out

Fathers and mothers, with small children, are usually at a Life Stage when stresses affect their behaviour, making them intolerant. It’s vital that we don’t psychologise abusive behaviour exhibited by stressed parents. In other words, avoid excusing abusive actions just because parents are stressed – there’s no excuse good enough for abuse. So parents, remember that although you’re having a hard time, when you over-react about your children’s mistakes this negatively impacts on their self-esteem. Also your behaviour is seen as inappropriate and abusive by children and everyone around too! What’s more if the ‘punishment is too severe then the lesson is lost’. When you’re finding it difficult to keep your cool, then maybe you need to see a therapist so that you can let off steam before it becomes abusive for everyone concerned. Children need love to grow healthily, not fear. Childrearing specialists claim that prisoners didn’t get there from too much parental love as children.

she was almost hysterical as she told me
how her family was driving her crazy
her husband was in the same state!
you may say “no wonder” when they
are in stressful jobs and trying to
make a decent lifestyle for their family!
then as the story unfolded they realised that
their lives had become unmanageable due to
hard work, lots of bills and not enough rest
everything had become so serious and
children have no way of knowing how
to deal with their parents’ stress, therefore,
they chose to do things as a family that
would bring them fun and relaxation
as well as putting their home in order
instead of just excusing the dysfunctionality

Timing is vital

When good intentions become failures, then our timing could be out of sinc. Timing is vital in any plan of action, even for simple discussions. How often do we begin to say something, feeling confident and enthusiastic, and then the whole situation deteriorates into struggling in emotional quicksand? The more we struggle the worst it becomes and we wonder how it happened? Perhaps we didn’t consider whether it was appropriate to bring the matter up, no matter how simple it seemed. Perhaps we didn’t consider whether the other person was in the mood to deal with the matter. Perhaps we didn’t consider how capable we were at that point to express the matter appropriately. Or a combination of all of these things. When we pause and plan how to express ourselves, especially taking into consideration how right the timing is, then the interaction has more of a chance of being successful.

Stephanie had learnt from a young age
not to jump into the emotional deep end!
her father had a volatile personality
whether he was drunk or not, and so
before she spoke about anything delicate to anyone
she’d ask “are you free to speak for a moment?”
this usually prepared the other person
and it spared her unnecessary hurt!
how easy would it be if it were protocol for us
to first ask this question, just as we
automatically say “please” and “thank you”,
checking that the timing is right, could
protect us from abusive personalities
whilst respecting each others availability to
be fully present in a discussion

Happiness is infectious

How many times have you been in a lousy mood and you come across someone who smiles at you. Happiness is infectious and you come out of the depths of your upset. The effect could be a little or a lot, depending on the severity of your upset. Nevertheless, if you’re having a bad time, then look up one of your happy friends for a lift in spirits. It doesn’t have to be someone who is overly happy, just within reason. And when you’re feeling happy, consider visiting someone who could do with being cheered up.

I have a friend who is guaranteed to
smile and welcome me warmly
whenever I see her!
she has a normal life with
ups and downs as we all do
sometimes worse than some
but she can be relied upon to
become excited at the thought of us
spending some fun time together
we don’t go raging or anything like that
just laughter to begin with and then
peppered by an exchange of information
about how our lives are going
I go there, and come away, feeling
light hearted no matter what
my mood was before to the visit

Active listening

We often think we are listening but our minds race and we have already come up with comments to what the other person is saying before they even finish talking. Active listening is about being able to feedback what you have heard the other person say before you make your comment. That way they feel heard and do not have to repeat themselves over and over. That’s how nagging develops.

as they complained about each other
I realised that they were not waiting until the other
finished talking, before they contributed their view
so we had a practice run with each one giving feedback
before saying what they wanted to
I mediated so that they kept to the format
and at the end there was active listening
which is guaranteed to improve a relationship

How to handle feelings

Atlanta left this positive comment on my previous post on “Addiction and anger”. I show it here so that people can see yet another example of how people can handle their feelings in a manner so that ‘they run their feelings instead of their feelings running them’. Congratulations to both of you, Atlanta, for practising smart living.

“Thanks for this post Affie. A friend and I were talking just last night about this very thing. She is a person that is responsible and likes to take care of things but underneath the anger was brewing. She didn’t rage, but identified that she wasn’t expressing how she she wasn’t happy with a situation. I think bringing awareness to emotions is a way to start to process them and bring about some relief.”

Addiction and anger

Unresolved anger is a basic human condition which can hurt our minds and bodies. Addiction and anger feed each other in a neverending cycle. When we don’t practise skills to express our feelings appropriately then the anger that results slowly festers until it becomes uncontrollable rage. This rage has a short fuse and makes us feel trapped. The 12 Step program (AA, Alanon, NA, NicA, OA, CoDA, SLAA, SCOPE etc.) helps us to learn how to handle our feelings once we stop medicating them with substances and processes. This means identifying the problem, expressing it appropriately and then being able to walk away without being attached to the outcome. That process gives us an amazing sense of peace – serenity.

she came into the relationship as a calm woman
but the years took their toll on her
her temper reached a point when in a rage
she took off her glasses and threw them on the
carpeted floor, smashing to smithereens which
made her realise with what physical power
she had thrown them, and this frightened her
after attending Alanon for several weeks
she found her serenity again and
no one or nothing could ever make her
loose her temper again
whenever she got angry she firmly
expressed that feeling and people
knew she meant it, without a doubt
and that’s all she needed to let go of it

Special touch

Having invitations, no matter how simple, gives a wedding that special touch. Let’s think about inexpensive ones that can be created on your computer nowadays.? The colour of the paper can match your colour scheme. You can even have two sheets of paper, a hard one and a thin one on which the majority of the information is printed. You can become quite creative in your efforts or keep it simple yet sophisticated. As a celebrant I have seen many wonderful examples of creative wedding invitations.

they planned a simple wedding in
a cave on the river, with a few guests
but it mattered to them that
there would be invitations
that was the special touch needed
so they got textured paper in a
deep red colour and printed
the information on these invitations
it certainly did provide the finishing touch
to an amazing experience

Let’s talk

Poor communication is the No. 1 problem area in relationships. As long as people are prepared to talk about their feelings, needs, wants and give feedback about what they’ve understood the other person has said, then conflict can be transformed into negotiations for solutions. As people develop the art of expressing themselves appropriately they also discover that it is beneficial to the sender as well as the receiver of the message. Another important tip is that if the message is not being understood clearly then it is up to the person sending the message to rephrase it. Communicating effectively creates inner peace for all parties concerned in the interaction.

I was feeling uncomfortable about something
and decided to mention it to him
halfway through he became defensive
I felt anxious so I relaxed my breathing
and then started again “I mustn’t have been
clear in what I said so I’ll start again…”
changing how I expressed my thoughts
in so doing I felt calm again
then a more appropriate message came out
he too became more relaxed and from his reply it
was apparent? that he understood my point
although we did not agree
we agreed to disagree and
that was good enough for me
so our friendship strengthened

Belonging to your community

A natural need of a human being is to belong to another and to a community. Belonging to your community is far more important than people realise. Without that we can be tempted into isolation. The community can be your family and friends sharing similar interests, or your church group, or your self help group. Some of the those interests can be doing voluntary work for charitable and benevolent projects, or hobbies and sports. The learning community is another powerful area involvement. Even if your community is not a church group, belonging to a community is another form of spirituality.

how wonderful a project to see schools promoting
a marathon walk or something similar where the students
collect sponsor signatures to raise money for a charity
the excitement experienced by
the participant and the supporters
with the outcome of raising funds
or other donations which benefit
people, animals or the environment
ultimately the process rippling out globally
such a simple beginning with a profound ending
which can be duplicated over and over everywhere