Dr Affie Adagio – Page 23 – Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer specialising in dependencies: compulsions & recovery

Seeing the light

Having experiences that are naturally blissful has been a favoured topic for me lately. Another such bliss is when we get an Ahaa at seeing the light about something. Good communication is one of life’s main assets. Getting it right when we wish to communicate our needs and wants means that our relationships are healthier, our work is more successful, and we have a more enjoyable life. Don’t settle for something that is not clear for fear of annoying another should you probe for more information. The reward of understanding something is priceless. Otherwise you suffer the stress brought on by confusion and misunderstanding.

she was crying her heart out when
I asked what was wrong and
she refused to explain
I paused, giving her time to cry a little more
as I waited she noticed that I was not
going to try and stop her and
she began explaining her predicament
of how her bills were greater than
the money coming in
I suggested that when she was
able to talk we might be able to
look at what options there were
then she became more settled and peaceful
so we considered what she could do
she made a list of those she could contact
and make a payment arrangement with
also what expenses she could do without
like a serious plan to give up smoking
things looked promising as can happen
when seeing the light occurs
that makes all the difference
at the worst of times

Hug a tree

Don’t underestimate the healing power of nature. Go hug a tree when you feel stressed, or at least sit under one, and see how your spirits are lifted. However, if you find that you are unable to relax under a tree, seriously consider seeing a therapist because that is an indicator that you are not in a healthy space. We need to spend some time with nature, whether walking, sitting or just observing what her creatures do to past the time. That in itself is a healthy activity, bringing on much needed relaxation.

in my thirties and forties, life was so hectic
nevertheless, I managed to attend
personal enlightenment courses and workshops
at one we were taken outside into the bush
and it was recommended after a short walk
that we hug a tree
I co-operated, although at first I felt foolish
need I say that as I embraced the tree
I was overcome by a feeling of bliss
unbelievable though it was I did not
question the experience again
and whenever I can I go up to a tree
and touch and stroke it, feeling the bliss
out in the bush I even manage to hug trees
because out there no one will think I’m nuts
if I hug one tree or more
I wonder if the trees feel as good as we do
when we hug them
try it someday and see for yourself
if you haven’t done so already

Sex and love addiction

So many people nowadays suffer with sex and love addiction and yet are in denial about it. They are seen as rogues and the behaviour is condoned. Or it seems easier for people to believe that a person is worthless because they lose control of their desires for sex and love. Whereas if there was more understanding that this behaviour is a disorder or disease which can be treated, then it could be corrected. It is described simply by the need to have sex and love in order to get a thrill, only to feel guilty afterwards because the consequences are bleak and people are hurt. At times it is life-threatening when those involved are careless too.

he said that he couldn’t understand
what happened and that he took such a chance
he had not intended to have a one night stand
and yet he felt driven and what’s more
he didn’t use a condom
now he was stressed as he may have
signed his own death warrant
this was not the first time this had happened
and yet he is a good looking, successful guy
any number of women are attracted to him
something had to be done and right away
he agreed he couldn’t do it alone and needed help
he’d been to have his Aids test and
now he made a commitment to go to
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which
he had resisted for so long
when I saw him next he seemed
more serene and spoke about how
surprised he was at meeting people
he respected and some who had
been through the same thing as he had
but were free of the madness
and now he felt there was hope for him
I saw him again one year later and he
was in recovery and grateful for his health
emotional physical and spiritual

[SLAA Sydney telephone: 9358 6605]

Practise to make perfect

Human beings have an innate need to be united with another. That is why we keep going back for more even if it is unpleasant. Avoiding being attracted to dysfunctional relationships means developing the art of being clear about what is acceptable to us and what’s not. From when we are children we need help to learn about new things from others who are experienced, especially those we can trust. Then practise to make perfect, as the saying goes.

he said that he had been a proactive person
successful in his endeavours and happy too
then he met her and after the initial bliss
it all went downhill because she wanted him
to change just to please her
as he did it just got worse – he felt like a doormat for her
but she was still not happy, his self esteem plummeted
then he walked away from the breakup
and in an attempt to pick up the pieces
he asked me what to do? I reminded him that
once he was strong and capable as well as happy
so he could start again because he had done everything
to save that dysfunctional relationship
also it was now time to note what he didn’t want in
the next relationship and get on with his life
I saw him again and he was confident, refreshed and
optimistic about life

Life Strategies Workshop

Have you ever reached a stage that you look around and see people around you relating in a superficial manner – plastic and meaningless, dragging you into the same empty space? There are enjoyable ways to bring you back in touch with your true self and your passion which otherwise can just die away. Today I facilitated another Life Strategies Workshop. This one took place in the boardroom at the Crest Hotel at Kings Cross. There were 9 participants and we had fun unwinding from the stresses of life.

Those present already have experience in using effective life strategies and are involved in providing person-to-person services in corporate life. Today was their turn to take the focus off others and put it on themselves. It was also great to have such a good ratio of men and women.

We looked at how to identify different personality types so as to improve communication in the workplace and in personal relationships. Also how to find your passion which is so important to keep you motivated to achieve your goals. Then how to move on after a relationship has ended, with the least possible suffering. All vital life strategies which need honing now and then, no matter how good you are at dealing with life’s ups and downs.

The participants also experienced developing their skills in dealing effectively with a rebellious, difficult person without losing their sanity. For some, such a person is an adolescent child with unrealistic expectations.

Feedback from some participants was along the lines of:

more productive than other workshops

confronting, yet light and enjoyable

very different from what I expected, good work

interesting workshop, good group of people

enjoyable afternoon, a good learning curve

good to be with like minded people and unwind

great to refine my negotiation skills in a pleasant way

will remember this day for a long while, stress free

I liked the lots of humour for change

it mapped a path to my goals, back on track

more beneficial than I expected, cause I dealt with something new

The venue, atmosphere and delicious food and beverages created a moment in time that busy successful people could really appreciate. This is a reliable method of ensuring that your life is kept on an even keel.

The next Life Strategies Workshop will take place 1-5pm on Sunday January 28th 2007 [changed to February 4th]. So book early as only 9 or 10 participants are accepted.

Codependence and pets

When we want to live functional lives, a solution is to get a pet. A codependent flips between manipulation, attempts at controlling, and becoming an enabler causing the victim to remain dependent. Codependence and pets means that the need to overwhelm someone with love is then directed to a creature who thrives on such devotion. So the behaviour is diverted to a healthier end. When a mother wishes to avoid being over-protective towards her growing children, I as a therapist recommend that they get a pet. This way the pet will not suffer from too much affection and it will keep her busy looking after and training the pet.

my children were 11 and 12
it was time to let go in order to avoid
too much mothering, or so I thought
so I got a German Shepherd called Kara
who at 6 months couldn’t even walk,
due to an overwhelming fear,
so I taught her to walk and I
loved her and called her my baby
she just bloomed and so did
my kids who were learning
how to be confident and independent
childrearing was a success thanks to
Kara, who I still miss a lot
but now that I’m alone I have a cat, Midnight,
who’s my baby to coo over
much to my adult children’s relief
no doubt!

Syron bush wedding

Choosing the place to celebrate a marriage is possible when you have a celebrant flexible enough to go wherever you want. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve conducted weddings in the most interesting places – in Sydney on land, on a beach, on the harbour and out in the country, in the bush. The place needs to have meaning for the marriage to be memorable for you. It need not be difficult nor expensive for the location of choice. Then again, sometimes, it does involve a bit of organising and expense, depending on your needs.

SBS showed the Syron bush wedding
which took place at Wilcannia
where originally Elaine Kitchener and Gordon Syron
had discovered their love and where they had
their bush wedding in November 2004
they flew me to Broken Hill and
after a 2 hour drive I joined them
and finally planned their ceremony
which took place on the banks of the Darling River
where the bride carried a bouquet of
Australian wild flowers and they
exchanged their vows that were
based on his Aboriginal culture
and her Jewish custom of
the groom stomping on a glass
wrapped in a hanky on the ground
the weather was perfect
and nature’s playground
was breathtaking

The clown in addiction

In life we need fun and laughter to stay healthy. When it is missing then we turn to substances and or processes that lift our spirits. Unfortunately, using such means results in repetitive behaviour which is not fulfilling because eventually whatever we do isn’t enough. The clown in addiction can be a cover up for immense unhappiness and low self esteem. In other circumstances, the clown is a fun performance for the audience to enjoy.

as she spoke to me about the sadness and abuse
she had experienced all her life up till now
she chuckled often at the most traumatic recollections
as a therapist I was obliged to give her feedback on this
pointing out that incongruous behaviour was not unusual
in codependence and addictions
she quickly understood the message about
the clown in addiction
and this insight, although it hurt a little
no pain no gain they say
helped her to be more authentic about
her feelings and therefore closer
to resolving the turmoil inside
serenity at last

Aroma therapy

Many people underestimate essential oils and the effect aroma therapy has on our wellbeing. Our sense of smell and sense of touch contribute to relaxation and the healing of stress related illnesses. Aroma therapy has many different combinations of oils and how they benefit us, whether through massage or the aroma of oils in a burner.

I had gone to a health farm for a week
needed the break after a series of traumas
both in my personal life and through work
it was great healthy food
good company
excellent education about nutrition and health
even a little fun like horse-riding and singing
also great was the float tank and mud baths
but best of all was the massage with the
essential oils especially applied in reflexology
that was heaven for me and my feet
furthermore, relaxing music in the background
as well as the most amazing aromas
wafting from the burner
such a phenomenon
the best high ever

Projection

As the saying goes – when you point a finger at someone, three are pointing back at you. How often is it easier to blame someone else about their behaviour without realising that what is truly annoying us is projection of our own unacceptable behaviour onto them. Projection needs to be considered first when we are upset by someone else’s behaviour, and only then if we are satisfied that we are not being reminded of our own shortcomings, can we give others honest feedback about their’s. In doing so we are role models to others, especially our children.

my mother used to accuse me of lying
at every opportunity and
as a child not only was I so offended
but I went to great lengths to
prove I was being honest
as I grew I realised that
my mother lied so easily
and would get so annoyed with
my need to be honest when
she was trying to spin a tale
so her projection onto me
about her lying tendencies
kept her in denial about
her own behaviour and guilt